IF THERE'S one thing these Republican and Democratic conventions have taught me, it's this: Feigned excitement always trumps the truth! Both parties have been crowing for their candidates like a team of cheerleaders hopped up on crystal meth—with little regard for facts, or the knowledge that most of us decided whom we were voting for on November 5, 2008.
However! That being said, "enthusiasm" counts for a lot—especially in the sack. While I prefer the sexual wiles and experience of older lovers, it's fun to occasionally hop on the bone train with someone in their early 20s (who tend to treat coitus with the same aggressive enthusiasm as an Olympic gymnast working a pommel horse). That's why I've decided to be super-duper "enthusiastic" and "upbeat positive" about this week's TV offerings—even though they kind of suck the poop out of a syphilitic hippo's bottom hole. (Hey, it works for the GOP, right?)
• DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION (Thurs, Sept 6, 6 pm, all nets). It's the last night of the Democratic convention! And after three nights of strident accolades about how insanely awesome the Democrats are, President Obama will step up to the mic in a futile effort to convince us that we haven't been pretty disappointed in his performance thus far! HOORAY FOR FUTILE EFFORTS! Boom-shaka-lacka-BOOM!
• CBS FALL PREVIEW (Mon, Sept 10, 8:30 pm, CBS). Wake up Grandma, and make sure she's taken her heart medicine, because here's a sneaky-peek at all of CBS' new fall shows! From the same network that brought you NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, and NCIS: Colostomy Bag Victims Unit comes a slew of copycat comedies and dramas including Elementary (copycatting Sherlock), Made in Jersey (copycatting The Good Wife), Vegas (copycatting Mad Men), and Partners (copycatting Fox's 1995 Partners, which had almost exactly the same plot). YAAAY FOR RECYCLING!
• DOCTOR WHO (Sat, Sept 8, 9 pm, BBCA). Okay, this is something to be legitimately excited about: a Doctor Who episode titled "Dinosaurs on a Spaceship." (!!) The Who crew winds up on an ancient spaceship populated by nerd-hungry dinosaurs! Luckily an Egyptian queen, a big game hunter, a space pirate, and Rory's dad also hop aboard to hasten along the dinos' re-extinction, because DOCTOR WHO WANTS THESE MOTHER-EFFING DINOSAURS OFF HIS MOTHER-EFFING SPACESHIP!
• THE NEW NORMAL (Tues, Sept 11, 9:30 pm, NBC). It's the new dramedy from Ryan Murphy (American Horror Story! YAY! Glee! BLECH!) about a gay couple who allow a single mom to cook their baby in her belly. That didn't come out right. She's gonna be their surrogate mom! YAY SURROGATE MOMS! YAY GAYS! BOOO LITERALLY COOKING BABIES! BOOOOOO GLEE!!
• ABBY & BRITTANY (Tues, Sept 11, 10:30 pm, TLC). It's the season (and possibly series) finale of the controversial TLC reality show Abby & Brittany, which documents the lives of a pair of conjoined twins! That's right—two heads, one body. AND they're airing it on September 11, which is practically forcing me to make a "conjoined twin towers" joke—which I will not do BECAUSE IT WILL GET ME FIRED! Screw you, TLC, and HOORAY FOR EMPLOYMENT!
This Week on Television
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 6
6:00 NBC DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION
President Obama accepts his party's nomination, sends out more emails begging for money.
8:00 MTV MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS
Starring Rihanna, Ke$ha, Green Day, Miley Cyrus, and the false statement that MTV still shows videos.
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 7
8:00 All Nets STAND UP TO CANCER
A fundraiser for cancer research starring Taylor Swift, Matt Damon, Alicia Keys, Samuel L. Jackson, and Gwyneth Paltrow (who's worse than cancer).
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 8
5:00 CBS US OPEN: WOMEN'S FINAL
Featuring the best women tennis players in the world and the funny sounds they make when hitting the ball.
9:00 BBCA DOCTOR WHO
Dinosaurs? On a spaceship? Set phasers to "extinction."
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 9
10:00 TLC BREAKING AMISH
Debut! A reality series in which Amish kids leave their communities to whoop it up in NYC.
Midnight TOON ROBOT CHICKEN
Season premiere! Check out this hilarious "DC Comics Special" where all your fave Super Friends are viciously mocked.
MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 10
8:00 NBC THE VOICE
Season premiere! America's current favorite singing show returns after failing to make everyone hate it.
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 11
9:00 NBC GO ON
Chandler Bing stars in this new (and kind of funny) sitcom about a loose cannon sportscaster.
9:30 NBC THE NEW NORMAL
Debut! A gay couple choose a single mom to bake their child in her vagina oven. (I know nothing about reproduction.)
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 12
10:00 NBC GUYS WITH KIDS
Debut! A sitcom about three 30-something guys desperately trying not to screw up their children.
10:00 TLC HERE COMES HONEY BOO BOO
Honey Boo Boo learns how to cook spaghetti—which will put you off Italian food for eternity.