Dear "Television": How are you, fine I hope. HEY. I noticed you are showing absolutely NOTHING of interest this week. What's up with that? In case you need a refresher course on what your job entails, here it is: You provide entertaining shows for me to watch, and I turn around and write abusive, smart-assy columns about them. THIS IS HOW THE WORLD WORKS. And yet? This week, other than a new episode of Breaking Bad, you have virtually NOTHING to offer me. What am I supposed to do with the rest of my time—and don't you DARE say, "It's summer, why not go outside and get some fresh air?" FUCK SUNSHINE AND FUCK FRESH AIR. If I wanted either of those things, I'd buy 'em off the internet.
And don't you ALSO dare say, "Well, TLC is broadcasting some interesting shows this week," because while these "shows" you're talking about could be technically described as "interesting," they're "interesting" in the way a bloody-faced clown devouring the entrails of a camel is "interesting." EXAMPLES:
Extreme Cougar Wives (TLC, Wed Aug 14, 9:30 pm). Originally known as "The Learning Channel," TLC is now famous for their schedule of freaky people shows—or at least people who are portrayed as freaks. For example, take this week's second-ever installment of Extreme Cougar Wives, who are actually just older women who have sex with younger men. No problem there, right? Except when TLC focuses on an older woman who has sex with a younger man while DRESSED IN CIVIL WAR ATTIRE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! Seriously, when I saw a clip of these WAY-too-horny Civil War reenactors trading lascivious sexual puns while slowly slipping out of their uniform and corset? The entirety of my genitalia crawled up inside my anus and into my lower intestines. STOP DOING THAT, TLC!!
The Man with the 132 lb. Scrotum (TLC, Mon Aug 19, 9 pm). A lot of readers think I lie. I can live with that—however, I cannot live with you thinking I'm lying about this. The Man with the 132 lb. Scrotum is an ACTUAL TV SHOW being broadcast on your ACTUAL TV. By who else? TLC. Here are the deets: 49-year-old Las Vegas resident Wesley Warren Jr. suffers from "scrotal lymphedema"—an obviously rare condition that results in a scrotum the size of... well, you know that really big yoga ball your idiot coworker sits on all day? Like, TWO of those. Naturally, dragging around two yoga balls filled with cement makes most normal activities very difficult (though I'd love to play this guy in tennis, because I'd MURDER him), and this special documents Wesley's daily routine and quest for medical relief.
My question to TLC is "doesn't this poor guy have ENOUGH problems?" Is it really necessary to produce a worldwide television broadcast whose only message is, "WOW, this guy really has an impossibly huge scrotum. Let's make a lot of testicle jokes on Twitter!" SO DON'T FEED THE FREAKING MONSTER.
Guys... this isn't Sharknado—this is an actual person TLC is horribly exploiting. Do something—anything—other than watching TLC this week, because if this is the best TV can offer? You're better off buying sunshine and oxygen off the internet.
This Week on Television
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 14
HERE COMES HONEY BOO BOO
TLC invites you to "watch and tweet" at the hilarious shenanigans of toothless hillbillies.
10:00 FX THE BRIDGE
Marco uncovers Sonya and Hank's secret past—which I think will make me feel very uncomfortable.
THURSDAY, AUGUST 15
10:00 FX WILFRED
An old friend visits, which causes Wilfred to become extra incontinent.
Midnight TOON CHILDRENS HOSPITAL
The staff takes a trip to the country, where they discover TLC tweeting and laughing at everyone.
FRIDAY, AUGUST 16
10:00 IFC COMEDY BANG! BANG!
Tonight's guest: Community's fetching and hilarious Gillian Jacobs.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 17
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
It's a battle of the grampies in this repeat featuring Martin Short and Paul McCartney.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 18
9:00 AMC BREAKING BAD
Walt desperately tries to cover the tracks that he thought he covered last season.
9:00 HBO TRUE BLOOD
Season finale! Sookie weighs her future with Warlow as a new threat targets both vampires and humans.
10:00 AMC LOW WINTER SUN
The cops search McCann's house and discover evidence that could send Agnew directly to the hoosegow.
MONDAY, AUGUST 19
9:00 TLC THE MAN WITH THE 132 LB. SCROTUM
Okay, fine... I'll make one joke: "Man, I bet this show is going to make the 132-pound scrotum guy really testes."
TUESDAY, AUGUST 20
10:00 COM DRUNK HISTORY
Tonight a drunken rendition of the famous journey of Lewis and Clark—who were probably drunk when they did it.
10:00 SYFY HEROES OF COSPLAY
Cosplay fans visit Seattle, and dress up like cats, aliens, and cups of Starbucks.