Jeremy Eaton

Longtime readers of I Love Television™ know I have little patience for goddamn commie Rooskies. HOWEVER! Over the past few years—in the interest of improved international relations—I've tried to temper my Russian xenophobia by focusing on their good points. Such as? Well, frankly, there aren't many! But here are three: (1) Russian drunks! Nobody gets stinko like the Russians—they make Lindsay Lohan look like a Mormon in a ginger-ale factory. 2) Russian YouTube videos! They may be godless commies, but they make HEEE-LARIOUS YouTubes! Search "Funny Russian Videos" and spend hours laffing your guts out over insane drivers, drunken cops, and trumpet-playing bears. And (3) Russian brides! They're superior to American brides, because they run away after two years. (Ba-dum-DUM! Chssss! Thank yew, thank yew! Unlike Russian brides, I'll be here all week.)

Unfortunately, my cold war is once again white hot thanks to Russia's idiotic anti-gay laws against "homosexual propaganda"—UMM, hello?? Practically everything I do is "homosexual propaganda"! Remember the time I devoted an entire column to the color, size, and height of Tom "Smallville" Welling's nipples? I rest my case.

And now Russia's threatening to prosecute American gays who participate in their upcoming Winter Olympics? OHHHHHH HELLLLLLL NAWWWWWWWW! Look, you sex-hating pinko commies! NOBODY messes with American gays—except me, and preferably in a threesome. ("Homosexual propaganda" noted.) And in case you didn't notice? Russia is firmly BACK on my (and America's) xenophobic shit list! Here's how I think we, as a nation, should respond to Russia's gay-hating shenanigans:

Boycott Vodka! While I cry a tear for every drop of alcohol spilled on the streets, Russian vodka is now strictly NYET! I'd sooner drink rubbing alcohol before allowing another bottle of Stoli to touch my homosexual-propaganda-spewing lips, and from now on I'm substituting it with any (and all) of the following: beer, whiskey, rye, tequila, brandy, rum, gin, and rubbing alcohol. (I never said I hated rubbing alcohol.)

• Boycott Caviar! You don't eat caviar anyway? Me either! Let's think of something else!

• Promote "Russian Heterosexual Propaganda!" America (gays and all) should participate in Russia's Winter Olympics—by humiliating the shit out of them. Instead of "homosexual propaganda," let's promote the "heterosexual" variety. For example, did you know Russian men have incredibly small penises? Yep, it's true. Sadly, they're TERRIBLE in bed. And the women are only slightly more sexually active than a frozen filet of cod. And did you hear that Vladimir Putin's tiny junk is covered in sores? Ugh! GROSS. Who would EVER want to sleep with these people??

Ban American Exports of Ghost Sharks! As you know, America leads the world in hilarious shark TV movies. After the smashing success of Syfy's Sharknado, we're insanely excited for this week's follow-up, Ghost Shark (Syfy, Thurs Aug 22, 9 pm). It's about an ass-eating shark who's killed and then comes back to eat more ass. THE END. But here's the point! Russia, you don't DESERVE Ghost Shark or any other supernatural or weather-related sharks! Recant your idiotic, homophobic anti-gay laws or you can make your own terrible shark movies! (Ha! With what? A trumpet-playing bear?)

This Week on Television

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 21

10:00 E! THE SOUP

Joel McHale celebrates the show's 500th episode by making merciless fun of 500 sad celebrities!

10:00 FX THE BRIDGE

Sonya finally has a prime suspect in the bridge murders. About time! Now get to work on your personality!

THURSDAY, AUGUST 22

9:00 SYFY GHOST SHARK—Movie

(2013) It's like Ghost Dad... except with Bill Cosby's shark!

9:00 LIF PROJECT RUNWAY

The contestants are assigned to make "glamping" (glamorous camping) outfits. Expect a bejeweled axe.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 23

10:00 IFC COMEDY BANG! BANG!

Scott and Reggie welcome special guest Andy Richter and his trumpet-playing bear. (I wish.)

SATURDAY, AUGUST 24

11:00 FOX AXE COP

Axe Cop must battle a boy who's possessed by a rabbit who eats coconuts. That makes so much sense to me!

SUNDAY, AUGUST 25

9:00 AMC BREAKING BAD

Walt and Skyler face an unexpected demand—which may put their supply of pine-scented car fresheners in danger!

9:00 MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS

Featuring performances from Lady Gaga, Daft Punk, and a slew of other artists never featured on MTV.

MONDAY, AUGUST 26

9:00 E! FASHION POLICE

Joan Rivers and her "Joan Rangers" eviscerate the styles from last night's MTV Video Music Awards.

10:00 MTV TEEN MOM 3

Season premiere! More teens! More moms! More... SADZ.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 27

10:00 COM DRUNK HISTORY

Season finale! Rootin' tootin' historical reenactments of the "Wild West"—told by a stinking drunk!

10:30 COM THE JESELNIK OFFENSIVE

Season finale! Anthony ends his second season with a bang! No, literally, he shoots and kills his guests.