Jeremy Eaton

Look, we'll get to the new fall TV shows debuting this week in a minute—but first? TWERKING. I gotta say I'm purrrrretty disappointed that Miley Cyrus is being credited for popularizing twerking... especially when I've been twerking it for years! Remember back in '95 when you were doing the "Tootsee Roll," and you said, "Humpy! What are you doing? That's not the Tootsee Roll!" And I was like, "Um, hello? I'm twerking, thankyouverymuch." And then that time in 2009 when you were doing the "Stanky Legg" and "Booty Dew?" And you were all like, "Humpy! Do the Stanky Legg! Do the Booty Dew!" And I was like, "Too busy twerking, home slice!"

Remember that? Yeahhhh... good times.

Anyway, that's why it burns my biscuits that Miley Cyrus is profiting off my good twerk. And on this week's Saturday Night Live (NBC, 11:30 pm)—in which Miley is both host and musical guest—you can bet she's going to spend the entire show half-naked, licking the underside of her chin with that monstrous cow tongue of hers, and twerking like she's never even HEARD of Twerkmaster™ Wm.™ Steven Humphrey!

So unfriend her on Facebook or something.

Okay! (Clap!) (That was my buttocks clapping together, by the way. I'm twerking while writing this.) What new fall shows are debuting this week?

Super Fun Night (ABC, Wed Oct 2, 9:30 pm). Aussie actress Rebel Wilson (Pitch Perfect) stars as a recently promoted worker bee who decides to reinvent her boring social life. So many critics panned the super awkward shenanigans of the first episode, they're kicking off with the second episode—in hopes of reducing the "craptastic" quotient by 50 percent. Good luck!

Ironside (NBC, Wed Oct 2, 10 pm). Blair Underwood—whom you remember from LA Law and absolutely nothing else—stars in this remake of the '60s series that starred wheelchair-bound Raymond Burr. Except this time, Blair is in the wheelchair, and he's a hard-drinking dick-with-a-heart-of-gold who's always rolling over his captain's last nerve, because DAMMIT! You're just too good at your job, Ironside! (Snoooooooooze.)

The Millers (CBS, Thurs Oct 3, 8:30 pm). I love me some Greg Garcia—best known for creating the terrific My Name Is Earl and Raising Hope—but this time around? NO THANKS. Why? Because even though it stars comedy powerhouses Will Arnett (Arrested Development) and Margo Martindale (Justified, The Americans), it's all about farts, and old people masturbating. And if I wanted to see that? Well, let's just say there's a reason I haven't visited grandma in five years.

• The Originals (The CW, Thurs Oct 3, 9 pm). If you can't get enough of vampires (or their diaries) then check out The Originals—a spin-off of The Vampire Diaries! Bad guy/vampire/werewolf hybrid (!!) Klaus moves from Mystic Falls to New Orleans to go fang-to-fang with his old pal Marcel, now the area's King Vamp. Then along comes Hayley, who says she's carrying Klaus' werewolf baby? And the New Orleans' witches want to kill it? And they figure the only way to solve this problem is with a twerking contest? OH, I AM SO THERE.

This Week on Television

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 2

8:00 CW ARROW: YEAR ONE

A clip show spotlighting the first season of Arrow for those who got bored early on, stopped watching, and then heard it was actually pretty good, and want to start watching it again. (Like me!)

10:00 FX THE BRIDGE

Season finale! Sonya and Marco are back in the saddle on a new case—just in time for the finale.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 3

8:00 NBC PARKS & RECREATION

Leslie meets her Eagleton doppelganger: Played by Kristen Bell!

10:00 ABC SCANDAL

Season premiere! Don't miss the premiere of the most entertainingly terrible show on TV! Hate-watch it with me!

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 4

9:00 E! FASHION POLICE

The Joan Rangers welcome the funny Margaret Cho!

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 5

8:00 LIF HOUSE OF VERSACE—Movie

(2013) A super campy, over-the-top biopic of Donatella Versace starring Gina Gershon!

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 6

9:00 AMC LOW WINTER SUN

Season finale! The finale of the show that you hear about during Breaking Bad but never watch.

11:30 BRAVO THE PEOPLE'S COUCH

Debut! A new reality show that depicts people on their couch watching TV. Okay!

MONDAY, OCTOBER 7

9:00 CW BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

Season premiere! Vincent deals with becoming a changed man—which is to say 37 percent less "beasty."

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 8

8:00 ABC AGENTS OF SHIELD

A brilliant scientist is kidnapped! Joss Whedonesque witticisms assemble!

9:00 CW SUPERNATURAL

Season premiere! After Sam collapses, Dean appeals to angels for help—who, unfortunately, are a bunch of dicks.