Well? Where is it? (Pause.) Ummm... HELLO! Today's the deadline for your "Halloween Costume for Humpy" suggestions—and wait. This is weird! I DON'T SEE A SINGLE ONE IN MY EMAIL. Seriously, guys—I don't ask much. I'd like you to occasionally read my column, I'd like you to occasionally send me a complimentary email, and if it's not too much of a bother, I'd like you to occasionally give me a blow-pop. (That's where you blow, and I pop.)
AND I'D ALSO LIKE IT IF YOU WOULD FOLLOW MY INSTRUCTIONS TO GIVE ME SOME FREAKING HALLOWEEN COSTUME IDEAS!!! Why does it always have to be left up to ME to come up with ways to clothe myself on Halloween? All I'm asking for is a few non-terrible ideas that must also include the following constraints: ONE! I must be able to unleash my genitalia within six seconds (for reasons that should be obvious). TWO! It must be alcohol and cocaine absorbent. (Again... obvious.) And THREE—and most importantly—it must be saxy-saxy-SAAAAXY!
Last year I was "Sexy Parking Garage Attendant" and the year before that I was "Sexy Uncooperative Customer Service Agent." The year before that I was "Sexy Darth Vader Centaur" and the year before that I was "Sexy Escher Drawing of Weird Upside-Down Staircases." The year before that I was "Sexy Holly Farms Cheese Sampler Basket" and the year before that I was "Sexy Channing Tatum"—but everybody thought I was "Sexy Bar of Ivory Soap" (which was actually better).
So as you can see... I'M OUT OF IDEAS. So please. Please. PLEASE. PLEASE, PUH-LEEEEEZE get off your lazy ass and email me your best Halloween costume idea. The winning suggestion will receive a blow-pop.
Now! Here's what you should watch on TV this week:
The Tomorrow People (The CW, Wed Oct 9, 9 pm). Want to hang out with genetically advanced mutants? (BOOOOO!!) What if they're young and impossibly hot? (YAAAAY!!) Hot mutant Stephen can't figure out why he keeps waking up in strange places and hearing voices in his head. Unlike me, he's not a schizophrenic drunk—he's got awesome teleportation powers, and those voices are other hot teen mutants inviting him to join their hot teen mutant team and battle the evil forces of "Ultra"—which I believe is the name of a laundry detergent.
American Horror Story: Coven (FX, Wed Oct 9, 10 pm). After a fantastic first season in a sexed-up haunted house, and a crappy, confusing second season in an unsexy insane asylum, American Horror Story returns with a far more preferable "sexy school-witch" theme. Set in New Orleans, a school for witches clashes with the school for voodoo across town. (Kind of like Revenge of the Nerds except with short skirts and people being burned at the stake.)
The Walking Dead (AMC, Sun Oct 13, 9 pm). The gang is back for season four, and—what's this? They don't like the fact that zombies are overrunning their prison home? THAT'S RACISM, YO! Expect more examinations of group dynamics, moral ambiguity, and sweet, sweet split-open zombie skulls. (And NO, I don't want to dress up like a "sexy split-open zombie skull" this year! That's GROSS.)
This Week on Television
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 9
8:00 CW ARROW
Season premiere! Oliver returns to Starling City to find that it needs an archery-style ass-whuppin!
10:00 FX AMERICAN HORROR STORY: COVEN
Season premiere! A young girl discovers she's a witch and uses her powers to conjure up an iPad.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 10
8:00 ABC ONCE UPON A TIME IN WONDERLAND
Debut! A crazy lady realizes she ain't so crazy when she's whisked down a rabbit hole into Wonderland.
8:00 NBC PARKS AND RECREATION
Leslie bites the bullet and teams up with her Eagleton doppelgänger (Kristen Bell)!
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 11
9:00 SHO MADE IN AMERICA
A documentary of Philadelphia's "Made in America" concert featuring Jay-Z, Kanye West, and (for you old folks) Pearl Jam.
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 12
10:00 DIY VANILLA ICE GOES AMISH
Debut! Vanilla Ice learns construction skills from Amish people who want to know why he "rocks the mic like a vandal."
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
With musical guest Katy Perry and host "yippee-ki-yi-yay mother-effer" Bruce Willis.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 13
9:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD
Season premiere! Life at the prison was starting to be pretty sweet... until, you know... ZOMBIES.
10:00 SHO MASTERS OF SEX
The research team takes their studies to a brothel—which is an expensive choice in more ways than one.
MONDAY, OCTOBER 14
10:00 DSC TRUE EVEL
A documentary chronicling the life and bone-breaks of stunt rider Evel Knievel!
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 15
8:00 ABC AGENTS OF SHIELD
The agents track down a mysterious thief who knows something about Coulson. Insert "intrigue" here!
8:00 PBS SUPERHEROES: A NEVER-ENDING BATTLE
A three-part doc series on comic book heroes from the '30s to the present! (Okay, but where's "Blow-Pop Man"?)