[Editor's Note: The following "This Week in History" is so chockfull of historical inaccuracies, our fact checker got fed up and quit. Thanks a pantload, Wm.™ Steven Humphrey! (We're being sarcastic!)]
THIS WEEK... IN HISTORY!
OCTOBER 16: Today in history, the Cuban Missile Crisis officially began in 1962. President Kennedy was thumbing through a pile of nude Marilyn Monroe photos when he came across a picture of Castro's secret Cuban missile base, and he was all like, "WHAAAT THAAA FAAAAACK??" And Castro was all like, "Yahhh, Papi! You feeling my swag now?" And the Soviets were all like, "Vee are goink to murrrder efferyvon in zee VORLD!!" But they didn't, and everything turned out okay.
OCTOBER 17: Today in history, gangster Al Capone was convicted of tax evasion in 1931, thanks to the work of "The Untouchables," led by federal agent Kevin Costner. (Nice work, Kevin!) ALSO: Today in 2013, the CW will begin the historical teen soap opera Reign (Thurs Oct 17, 9 pm) which revolves around hot teenager Mary, Queen of Scots, who is romantically torn between two hot teenage brothers while navigating various sexual intrigues within the royal court. It also has a modern indie-pop soundtrack (featuring Mumford and Sons, the Lumineers, and more) and is absolutely 100 percent as historically accurate as this column.
OCTOBER 18: Today in history, the US took possession of Alaska in 1867 after buying it for $7.2 million from Russia. That is a lot to pay for Sarah Palin.
OCTOBER 19: Today in history, nothing happened.
OCTOBER 20: Today in history, the US Senate ratified the Louisiana Purchase in 1803. How much did we pay France for that? Roughly $15 million? And exactly what did we get in return? Larry the Cable Guy and Britney Spears. When are we going to stop throwing money away on stupid people?? ALSO: Today in 2013, Bravo will air Queer Eye (Sun Oct 20, 9 pm)—a reunion special featuring all your old-timey fave queers from the classic and beloved Queer Eye for the Straight Guy! I loved, loved, LOVED this series, which was groundbreaking not only for featuring gay folk, but also for presenting them as no big deal. Tune in to see if Carson Kressley still wears fun belts! ALSO: Today in history, Tom Petty was born (1950). ALSO: Today in history, Snoop Dogg was born (1971).
OCTOBER 21: Today in history, the year was 1521 and Ferdinand Magellan discovered the "Strait of Magellan." And he was all like, "Heyyyy... this strait has the same last name as me. Weird." ALSO: Today in 2013, VH1 will premiere the TV movie CrazySexyCool: The TLC Story (Mon Oct 21, 9 pm), also known as the "SQUEEEEEEE heard 'round the world!" The story behind this sexy, hot 'n' talented R&B/hiphop trio from the '90s is super fascinating, and the actors chosen to play T-Boz, Chilli, and Left Eye are dead ringers for their counterparts. Expect tons of music, drama, but absolutely no chasin' waterfalls!
OCTOBER 22: Today in history, nothing happened. WAIT! Except for the births of Jeff Goldblum (1952), Bob Odenkirk (1962), and Zac Hanson—drummer for the dreamy band who sang "MMMBop," Hanson—(1985)!! Also somebody named "Daniel Boone" (1734)? I think he recorded with Snoop Dogg.
This Week on Television
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 16
10:00 FX AMERICAN HORROR STORY: COVEN
Witchy Fiona helps Zoe deal with a tragedy—by turning all the perpetrators into dog poops.
10:00 FXX IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA
A flu outbreak hits Philly, so naturally the gang quarantines themselves. Hilarity and murder ensue.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 17
8:00 NBC PARKS AND RECREATION
Leslie is forced to leave Ben's party for a... oh, no! Another council filibuster?!?
9:00 CW REIGN
Debut! Classic CW trashy fun with teenage Mary, Queen of Scots. (Like Gossip Girl, except in the 1500s!)
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 18
10:00 IFC COMEDY BANG! BANG!
Season premiere! Scott and Reggie return for another season of hilarious, surreal interviews—this episode featuring Rainn "Dwight from The Office" Wilson!
10:30 IFC THE BIRTHDAY BOYS
Debut! The internet-beloved comedy troupe gets their own show—produced by and co-starring Bob Odenkirk!
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 19
9:00 SYFY GRAVE HALLOWEEN—Movie
(2013) A girl tries to save the spirit of her dead mom inside a place called "the suicide forest." Pack a lunch!
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 20
THE WALKING DEAD
Someone has been luring zombies to the prison. Could it be the person who posted a "free brains" ad on Craigslist?
10:00 SHO MASTERS OF SEX
New participants sign up for the sex study, and Johnson is shocked to discover one is... her horny ex-husband??
MONDAY, OCTOBER 21
9:00 VH1 CRAZYSEXYCOOL: THE TLC STORY
(2013) About one of the greatest girl groups ever (and thankfully NOT about "The Learning Channel").
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 22
8:00 ABC AGENTS OF SHIELD
Coulson and the team are aided by the mysterious "girl in a flower dress"—the most adorable helper ever!
10:30 TBS TRUST ME, I'M A GAME SHOW HOST
Debut! The kinda funny D.L. Hughley and the VERY funny Michael Ian Black tell lies—and contestants decide who's telling the truth!