Jeremy Eaton

[Editor's Note: Wm.™ Steven Humphrey is vacationing this week, so please enjoy the following old-timey column from the I Love Television™ archives—which proves "old" advice is still the "best advice."]

Pro tip! Did you know there was a federal law passed this year specifically prohibiting certain "sexy" Halloween costumes? (Pro tip! This is absolutely not true—but tell everyone it is... you'll understand why in a bit.) Thanks to recent "Anti-Halloween Annoyance" legislation passed by Congress, women will no longer be allowed to dress up in any of the following annoying Halloween costumes:

Sexy French Maid. Sexy Cheerleader. Sexy Schoolgirl. Sexy Native American. Sexy Kitten. Sexy Bee. Sexy Ladybug. Sexy Pirate. Sexy Cave Girl. Sexy Policewoman. Sexy Disney Princess (any and all). Sexy Witch. Sexy Red Riding Hood. Sexy Power Ranger. Sexy Olive Oyl. Sexy Strawberry Shortcake. Sexy Eskimo. Sexy Prisoner. Sexy Angel. Sexy Devil. Sexy Angel/Devil Hybrid. Sexy Fairy. Sexy Captain America. Sexy Clown (there is absolutely nothing sexy about that, by the way). Sexy Skunk. Sexy Hippie (again, nothing sexy about that). Sexy Robot. Sexy Statue of Liberty. Sexy Sherlock Holmes. Sexy Hillbilly (this goes triple for guys!!).

Anyway, you can read the complete list of costume restrictions at sexyhalloweenrestrictions.gov. (Pro tip! Not really... but annoying people don't have to know that!)

HOWEVER! I'm happy to report that NONE of the I Love Television™ brand of Halloweeny Costumes™ are on the government's restricted list. Here are just a few I'm sure you've seen referenced in my column:

SEXY ANGRY DONKEY! The boys will get a "kick" out of your delightfully whimsical and sexy "Angry Donkey" costume. Besides the donkey mask and accompanying donkey bustier, you'll also receive pneumatic legs—which, when activated by a man's pinch to your bottom, will... KA-POW!!! Kick the offending douchebag into the next century. ONLY $159.99!

SEXY DIAPER GRAVY! The term "diaper gravy" is a beloved I Love Television™ staple—as well as the perfect sexy Halloween costume! You'll be every man's fantasy as you cruise the party dressed in a giant, sopping adult diaper filled with liquid excrement. (Sexy colostomy bag not included.) ONLY $89.99!

SEXY TV CHARACTERS!  Why dress up like a sexy zombie from The Walking Dead when you can be "Sexy Rock Dripping with Zombie Brains"? (ONLY $79.99!) You like Breaking Bad, right? Then may I interest you in "Sexy Gus with Half His Face Blown Off"? Comes complete with a tie you can straighten. (ONLY $59.99!)

SEXY HUMPY™! If you're looking for the #1 sexy-sexy costume for Halloween, look no further! Now you can dress up as "Sexy Wm.™ Steven Humphrey™," America's most beloved and trusted television columnist! This one-of-a-kind costume is made out of my actual skin—which I've spent years exfoliating and keeping in a jar next to my toilet. But what you'll love are the tiny details: the trademarked whoopty-whoo curl on top of my head, trained to hide early-onset male pattern baldness; Totino's Pizza Roll crumbs dotting the slightly sagging man boobs; a perfectly shaped foam replica of my honey-baked ham (voted "a model of structural perfection" by the engineering department at MIT). OH! And Velcro pants closure for easy access to genitalia. ONLY $199.99—and don't delay! It's sure to make next year's "government restricted" list! (Wink! Wink!)

This Week on Television

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 23

4:30 FOX WORLD SERIES: GAME 1

Baseball? Don't you EVEN interrupt my New Girl this week!

10:00 FX AMERICAN HORROR STORY: COVEN

Zoe attempts to help her zombie boyfriend, Kyle. (Start with a lesson in manners!)

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 24

9:00 CW REIGN

Mary (teenage Queen of Scots) desperately tries to disguise the fact that she's in love with another cute boy!

10:00 E! HOLLYWOOD DEATH TRIP

A Hollywood guide leads you on a tour of your favorite (?) grisly celebrity deaths.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 25

10:00 IFC COMEDY BANG! BANG!

Tonight's special Halloween-themed guest: Pee-wee Herman!

10:00 NBC DRACULA

Debut! Yet another vamp drama, this time featuring the blood-sucking king—who's pretty nice other than the neck-biting stuff.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 26

7:00 HUB SPOOKSVILLE

Debut! A live-action kids' show about three teens battling the supernatural in their spooky town. (Oh hello, Buffy.)

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 27

9:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD

While one group searches for supplies, the rest hold down the creepy zombie-infested fort.

10:00 SHO MASTERS OF SEX

Masters and Johnson expand their sex study to include established couples, or in other words... yawwwwwwwn.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 28

11:59 TBS THE PETE HOLMES SHOW

Debut! Verrrry funny comedian Pete Holmes has a new sketch/talk show. Watch it!

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 29

9:00 PBS WAR OF THE WORLDS

A documentary recounting Orson Welles' famous Halloween prank that freaked the shit out of a nation.

10:00 MTV GIRL CODE

Season premiere! The wickedly funny girly advice show returns with more wicked funniness!