Last week I was doing a lot of judging: Not only did I harshly judge some of the new fall TV shows you should—and should not—be watching, I also judged myself. (Verdict: I'm awesome sauce!) HOWEVER! If I learned anything from all this excess judging, it's that I'm terrific at judging. In fact, I'm so terrific at judging, I'm setting up a side business where people can email me descriptions of their crimes and I'll judge them... for a nominal fee, of course. (Legal disclaimer: Wm.™ Steven Humphrey knows absolutely nothing about the legal system. Run!)
Anyway, I'll call it "The Humpy's Court"—and it'll go something like this...
"Dear Judge Wm.™ Steven Humpy: Sometimes I get really angry at the person driving next to me when their lane is ending and they want to merge in front of me, and...."
GUILTY!! (Hammering gavel!) YOU ARE GUILTY OF NOT ALLOWING A ZIPPER MERGE! Traffic experts agree that if we fill up all lanes of traffic (including the merge lane), we'll all get where we're going a helluva lot faster. But it doesn't work without the zipper merge! When the lane next to you ends, you let that person merge in front, and the person behind him merge in the rear. That sounds dirty, but it's called THE ZIPPER MERGE, and it works. And if you're not doing it, you are ... GUILTY!! (Please remit the $50 penalty in addition to your $25 question fee to the email address below.)
Let's do some more, shall we? How about some TV show questions?
"Dear Judge Wm.™ Steven Humpy: I'm ashamed to admit that I really enjoy the new Fox show Sleepy Hollow... am I just being..."
GUILTY!! (Hammering gavel!) YOU ARE GUILTY OF ENJOYING A GUILTY PLEASURE! And of course that's acceptable. Yes, Sleepy Hollow (Fox, Mondays, 9 pm) is a colon-load of totally insane horror and sci-fi tropes that often make zero sense when lumped together... but it's still totally fun. So go ahead and enjoy it, and if you don't like Sleepy Hollow? Sue me! (Actually you shouldn't, because I'll just throw your case out of court. Twenty-five dollars, please!)
"Dear Judge Wm.™ Steven Humpy: I'm really enjoying that Andy Samberg show Brooklyn Nine-Nine...."
GUILTY!! (Hammering gavel!) YOU ARE GUILTY OF REALLY ENJOYING THAT ANDY SAMBERG SHOW BROOKLYN NINE-NINE (Fox, Tuesdays, 8:30 pm)! And why not? The creators of Brooklyn are the same guys who brought you Parks and Recreation—so they know how to deliver a solid comedy. And I predict it's just going to get better over time—so keep watching it! (That'll be $85 for wasting my time.)
"Dear Judge Wm.™ Steven Humpy: You know that show The Crazy Ones...."
GUILTY!!! (Hammering gavel!) YOU ARE GUILTY OF MENTIONING THAT TERRIBLE SHOW, AND I DON'T CARE IF IT DOES STAR BUFFY AND ROBIN WILLIAMS!! I also don't care if the latest episode of The Crazy Ones is slightly less terrible than its previous episodes, because it's still TERRIBLE! Don't watch this show! And just for mentioning it, I hereby sentence you to one year of hard labor at my house. (Which includes, but is not limited to, exfoliating my toe knuckles. Oh... and that'll be $25, please.)
This Week on Television
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 6
10:00 FX AMERICAN HORROR STORY: COVEN
Zoe develops a new power that doesn't include murdering boys with her vagina.
10:30 FXX THE LEAGUE
Andre makes a shocking discovery about a patient's electronic voice box. (The imagination reels!)
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 7
8:00 BRAVO INSIDE THE ACTORS STUDIO
Arrested Development drop-in James Lipton interviews the Arrested Development cast!
11:59 TOON THE GREATEST EVENT IN TELEVISION HISTORY 3
Parks and Rec's Adam Scott returns to faithfully and hilariously recreate another classic TV opening theme!
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 8
COMEDY BANG! BANG!
Scott and Reggie welcome the adorkably cute-tastic Rashida Jones!
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 9
9:00 SYFY BEAST OF THE BERING SEA—MOVIE
(2013) Jonathan Lipnicki—the kid from Jerry Maguire (!!!)—battles... ahhhhh! SEA VAMPIRES!!
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 10
THE WALKING DEAD
The group starts fighting among themselves while the zombies are all like, "Sheesh. Stupid alive people."
10:00 SHO MASTERS OF SEX
Masters and Johnson become participants in their own sex study! Bow-chicka-bow-chicka-bow!
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 11
10:00 CBS HOSTAGES
The president threatens to reveal a secret government program that spies on US citizens. (Hmm. That sounds familiar.)
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 12
9:00 FOX NEW GIRL
A pile of Chinese take-out menus left outside their door leads the gang on a series of wacky (the best kind) adventures.
9:30 ABC TROPHY WIFE
The family is infested with lice... which does not sound like a wacky adventure—like, at all.