EVERY YEAR I like to pick random quotes from random television columns I wrote and randomly present them—TOTALLY OUT OF CONTEXT—for the random enjoyment of presumably no one. Actually, I enjoy them... because it's a good reminder for me that I take too many drugs, drink too much booze, and should probably have a ball gag in my yap 24/7. Anyway... here's just a small sampling of the most horrifically inane things I wrote in 2013! (May I never say them again.)
• "But in my defense I've never viciously murdered a single person! And in case you're wondering, I've also never viciously murdered a group of people."
• "Which would you rather do: Watch a three-hour-long movie about LINCOLN (snore!) that's so boring the poop in your ass will actually move into someone else's ass (just to change things up a little), OR 20 minutes of freaking awesome speedboats doing 90 MPH jumps over a pontoon boat filled with topless cheerleaders shooting off penis-shaped roman candles? AND THE OSCAR GOES TO... Speedboat Jumping!"
• "Guns have two primary functions: (1) to murder things, and (2) to make the gun holder feel less like a chicken shit. For example, hunters love to murder animals—they're just too scared to do it with their own hands. In their defense, there's a good reason hunters don't try to strangle bucks with piano wire. They're afraid the deer will retaliate by perforating the hunters' anuses with an antler. So of course they use guns to kill animals from great distances because BRRRR! Angry deer! Amirite?"
• "Oh, sure—before I took the sinus medication it felt like two barrels of fruit Jell-O were shoved up my nose, and a vibrating dildo was buried just beneath my eyebrows. And while the sinus medication removed both Jell-O and dildo, it also took out my brain and replaced it with a jumbo package of cotton gauze and a sleeping hobo. So now whenever I try to form a coherent thought, the hobo rolls over and screams, 'OY! Wot's all this then? Can't ye see I'm tryin' to get me beauty rest, ye lily-livered pecker licker??' (Apparently this hobo is some kind of cockney pirate?)"
• "Last year for Halloween I was 'Sexy Parking Garage Attendant' and the year before that I was 'Sexy Uncooperative Customer Service Agent.' The year before that I was 'Sexy Darth Vader Centaur' and the year before that I was 'Sexy Escher Drawing of Weird Upside-Down Staircases.'"
• "OCTOBER 16: Today in history, the Cuban Missile Crisis officially began in 1962. President Kennedy was thumbing through a pile of nude Marilyn Monroe photos when he came across a picture of Castro's secret Cuban missile base, and he was all like, 'WHAAAT THAAA FAAAAACK??' And Castro was all like, 'Yahhh, Papi! You feeling my swag now?' And the Soviets were all like, 'Vee are goink to murrrder efferyvon in zee VORLD!!' But they didn't, and everything turned out okay."
• "Oh, surrrrre. Robots are being taught how to play rock-paper-scissors NOW. But guess what they'll be doing with their super-fast fingers next? Outdrawing us in gun duels, snatching knives out of the air (that were expertly thrown at their servo panels), and eventually? Finger-banging our significant others before we can get our digits up in there! (Actually, that might save us a lot of work.)"
This Week on Television
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 25
6:00 A&E DUCK DYNASTY MARATHON
Back-to-back episodes of this unbelievably popular hillbilly show. (Can someone watch it, and tell me why?)
9:00 BBCA DOCTOR WHO
In order to save a town called Christmas, the Doctor must do the unthinkable: Visit a Walmart.
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 26
7:30 VH1 CRAZYSEXYCOOL: THE TLC STORY—Movie
(2013) A repeat performance of the TV movie about Chili, T-Boz, and Left Eye! SQUEEE!
11:00 MTV SCRUBBING IN
The reality show about sexy nurses, which has gotten so many complaints, they're cutting the "sexy" by half. BOOOOO!!!
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 27
9:00 CW NIKITA
Series finale! Nikita goes out in a blaze of glory in an episode aptly titled, "Canceled."
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 28
10:00 TLC SEX SENT ME TO THE ER
Debut! Well, considering the title of this thing and what network it's on... do I really need to explain it?
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 29
9:00 HBO TREME
Series finale! The struggling residents of New Orleans face sweeping changes in the last episode of this largely unsung series.
10:15 HBO GETTING ON
Season finale! The staff performs an unintentionally hilarious concert for the patients.
MONDAY, DECEMBER 30
9:00 ABC RUDOLPH'S SHINY NEW YEAR
Rudolph goes on a secret mission for Santa, and... oh, NOW Santa suddenly appreciates him?!?
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 31
10:00 ABC DICK CLARK'S PRIMETIME NEW YEAR'S ROCKIN' EVE WITH RYAN SEACREST
Umm... I'm not trying to be mean... but can we shorten it to Ryan Seacrest's Rockin' Eve now? (The current name is really hard to type!)
10:00 NBC NEW YEAR'S EVE WITH CARSON DALY
See? That's easier to type.
11:00 FOX NEW YEAR'S EVE LIVE
And that's the easiest to type! (Happy New Year, everybody!)