Jeremy Eaton

It might be a little late to suggest resolutions, but I've been waiting patiently for you to make one in particular—and as usual? YOU HAVE DISAPPOINTED. So here's your resolution: Stop sayin' "just sayin'."

I REALLY HATE THAT!!!! People are constantly ending correspondences by sayin' "just sayin'," when they actually mean a whole lot more! Here's an example of what someone might say, prior to sayin' "just sayin'":

"Dear Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me, you are clearly America's finest literary talent. However, it really slaughters my goat when you refuse to write about NCIS or any of the NCIS spin-offs. You apparently don't care about fine television drama, keeping your readership informed about fine television drama, or doing your job (which I'm told is writing about fine television drama). If you can't write your column properly, perhaps your editors should replace you with someone who can. JUST SAYIN'."

Well okay, first of all, NCIS blows donkey hole. Secondly, you're right about me being America's finest literary talent. And thirdly, when you're sayin' "just sayin'," you're actually just being PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE, which is a chicken-poop dick move. You're obviously very angry about whatever, but by sayin' "just sayin'" you're attempting to portray yourself as someone who doesn't get upset about petty, inconsequential things—when you totally do and are.

So instead of sayin' "just sayin'," OWN what you're sayin'... or else just end your note by sayin' what you REALLY mean, and that's "just sayin'... you blow donkey hole, Humpy!" AND THAT IS WHAT I'M SAYIN'!!!

Here are some fine television shows debuting this week:

The Spoils of Babylon (IFC, debuts Thurs Jan 9, 10 pm). A parody of those "epic" television miniseries, The Spoils of Babylon is a Will Ferrell-produced comedy about the super wealthy Morehouses—a family of oil tycoons with a century-long history of lying, boozing, pill-popping, murdering, and incest-making. And it features a virtual cornucopia of stars including Kristen Wiig, Tim Robbins, Jessica Alba, Tobey Maguire, Val Kilmer, and Ferrell himself as the "Shah of Iran." So just sayin'... it'll probably be a goddamn hoot!

Helix (Syfy, debuts Fri Jan 10, 10 pm). It looks like Syfy and exec producer Ron Moore (Battlestar Galactica) have another homerun in the making with their new science-fiction/horror show, Helix. Set in the not-so-distant future, CDC scientists are sent to a remote Arctic research station to investigate patients with a mysterious virus. The symptoms? Oh, just black goo squirting out of every orifice... and the possibility of the survivors turning into monsters. And that's just the beginning of the mystery in this super creepy, must-watch new series. Just sayin'... EWWW! GROSS! LOVE IT.

True Detective (HBO, debuts Sun Jan 12, 9 pm). And the hits just keep on comin'! The buzz is huge for this new anthology crime series, starring a reportedly fantastic Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey as two complicated Louisiana cops on a 17-year search for a serial killer. The action jumps from the 1990s to present day where both are broken and haunted by their— and the killer's—actions. Just sayin'... a very far cry from donkey hole!

This Week on Television

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 8

10:00 NBC CHICAGO PD

Debut! A spin-off of Chicago Fire about the lives and loves of a Chicago police deparzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

10:00 FX AMERICAN HORROR STORY

This episode: "The Magical Delights of Stevie Nicks"—co-starring the actual Stevie Nicks!! SQUEEEEEE!!!

THURSDAY, JANUARY 9

8:30 NBC PARKS AND RECREATION

Leslie considers her political future while Tom considers his "next stupid business" future.

10:00 IFC THE SPOILS OF BABYLON

Debut! Will Ferrell's new "epic" comedy miniseries about greed, booze, and incest!

FRIDAY, JANUARY 10

9:00 FOX RAISING HOPE

Maw Maw threatens to give her inheritance to the best-behaved grandchild. Let the fakery begin!

10:00 SYFY HELIX

Debut! Arctic scientists discover black goo monsters in Ron Moore's newest creep-out!

SATURDAY, JANUARY 11

11:00 FOX ANIMATION DOMINATION HIGH DEF

Two new adult-themed toons including Lucas Bros. Moving Co. and Golan the Insatiable.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 12

8:00 NBC GOLDEN GLOBES AWARDS

Hosted again by Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, which is the only reason to watch this thing ever.

10:00 HBO GIRLS

Season premiere! Hannah tries to control her OCD, while Jessa tries to make anyone like her. (Both impossibilities.)

MONDAY, JANUARY 13

10:00 SYFY BITTEN

Debut! A sexy female werewolf abandons her pack and moves to the city. (Think a hairy version of Girls.)

10:30 FX CHOZEN

Debut! A new animated comedy from the makers of Archer about a gay white rapper who takes on the world of hiphop.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 14

10:00 FX JUSTIFIED

Boyd thinks of ways to free Ava from jail. Waitasecond... doesn't he have, like, a LOT of dynamite?