I hate football with the burning passion of a billion suns—we hold this truth to be self-evident. HOWEVER! I've spent the last 12 years loudly bemoaning the idiocy of the Super Bowl in this column, and where has it gotten me? NOWHERESVILLE. Thick-headed football fans no longer even try to convince me of the error of my ways, and now when I go off on an anti-Super Bowl rant, they just roll their eyes, mutter "WhatEVER, grandpa!" and go back to running a lint roller over their big foam finger.
ANYWAY! Since my annual screeds have not deterred the Super Bowl, like, AT ALL, I've decided to be the bigger person and adjust my admittedly shitty attitude. Starting today—even though I still correctly think that the Super Bowl is the DUMBEST, most RIDICULOUS parade of American ignorance outside of Congress—I am going list a few reasons why I am GRATEFUL for this moronic, morally repugnant, and grotesque display of macho Neanderthalism. YOU'RE WELCOME.
• I AM GRATEFUL FOR THE SUPER BOWL BECAUSE... without it, there would be no "Puppy Bowl" or "Kitten Bowl." It's the 10th anniversary of Animal Planet's Puppy Bowl (Sun Feb 2, noon), in which adorable pups from shelters across the nation scamper around a makeshift football field, vying for the coveted MPP Award (Most Precious Pup). Meanwhile over on the Hallmark Channel, it's the inaugural Kitten Bowl (Sun Feb 2, noon), which is obviously a blatant rip-off of Puppy Bowl—but only a true monster would care. Tons of cute, pink-nosed, romping furballs swat at yarn footballs and chase mechanical mice, while your heart expands to the point of eventual explosion. (Have an ambulance on standby.)
• I AM GRATEFUL FOR THE SUPER BOWL BECAUSE... it's a good excuse for Prince to guest-star on New Girl (Sun Feb 2, 7:30 pm). Apparently, liking the sitcom New Girl is just another thing Prince and I have in common. He voiced his love for the show, agreed to be a guest-star, and so this—sure to be AWESOME!!!—episode will be broadcast immediately following the Super Bowl. Why? Because I made the network promise to air something that day that wouldn't bore the shit out of me.
• I AM GRATEFUL FOR THE SUPER BOWL BECAUSE... it allows me to bang a lot of tail. As it turns out, I'm not the only one who despises the Super Bowl... so does your wife, girlfriend, and gay boyfriend. And while you're stuffing your fat face with nachos and attempting awkward, unsuccessful high-fives with your drooling cohorts, the ones with the sloped foreheads and terrible haircuts, I'm banging more tail than you've seen in a lifetime. In fact, Super Bowl Sunday is my biggest tail-banging day of the year (barely squeaking out Easter). My tail-banging schedule is so booked up (and weeks in advance, I might add), I've been forced to expand my tail-banging appointments into post-Super Bowl Monday and even post-Super Bowl Tuesday morning—when you're still too tired, fat, and hungover to properly bang the tail that I will happily (and more competently!) bang in your absence.
So actually, Super Bowl fans... maybe you should be thanking ME.
This Week on Television
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 29
9:00 MTV MILEY CYRUS: MTV UNPLUGGED
Miley Cyrus performs stripped-down versions of her hits, with or perhaps without a foam finger.
10:00 FX AMERICAN HORROR STORY
Season finale! A new Supreme is chosen (and there are no Republicans around to muck it up).
THURSDAY, JANUARY 30
8:30 NBC PARKS AND RECREATION
Ann and Chris depart Pawnee—and everybody has the sadz. Except for me.
9:00 FOX RAKE
Keegan defends three Amish guys for attempted murder (make that, "real old-fashioned murder.")
FRIDAY, JANUARY 31
10:00 SYFY HELIX
The CDC scientists begin to realize that goo-bleeding zombies aren't their only problem.
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 1
10:00 HBO GIRLS
Girls moves to Saturday night this week, so they don't have to endure the stench of the Super Bowl.
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Hosted by the consistently hilarious Melissa McCarthy!
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 2
3:00 FOX SUPER BOWL
It's meatheads vs. meatheads in the meatheadiest game of the year.
10:00 PBS SHERLOCK
Season finale! Sherlock tangles with a blackmailer who knows all of his... you know... secrets. (Insert gay subtext here.)
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 3
10:00 FX ARCHER
In this week's episode of Archer Vice, an intervention for Pam goes terribly wrong because... DRUGS.
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 4
9:00 FOX NEW GIRL
Jess tries to convince Nick to be friends with his ex—which is legitimately and objectively insane.
10:00 FX JUSTIFIED
Raylan's secrets may be exposed by the mob, who might just end up with their nuts shot off.