Illustration by Jeremy Eaton

Kids from the future? THEY'RE THE WORST. Now, I'm not one of those Tom Brokaw-ish "Greatest Generation" horn-blowers who think they're sooo awesome, while everybody else before and after them slurps diaper gravy. My generation is just as terrible as any other generation—except in different terrible ways.

FOR EXAMPLE! My generation invented the following: Spandex bike shorts. Kid 'n Play. Muppet Babies. Lisa Frank. Baby Jessica (in the well). Garbage Pail Kids. The Top Gun volleyball scene. Heathcliff. "Music videos." Atari. Labyrinth. Jerry Springer. British Knights. MC Hammer Sideloader backpacks. Scratch 'n' sniff stickers. Hamilton Beach popcorn poppers. The word, "Psych!" Teddy Ruxpin. Jem and the Holograms. Sony Discman. Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Boyz II Men. Happy Meals. Friends. Justin Timberlake and Ryan Gosling... on The Mickey Mouse Club! Blockbuster Video stores. Laser pointers. VHS copies of The Lion King. Hmm... and what else? OH! And just a little thing called "THE INTERNET." (Ever heard of it?)

So yeah, I guess my generation is purrrrrretty great. (And simultaneously absolutely terrible!) However! If the new CW show The 100 (debuting Wed March 19, 9 pm) is any indication? The kids of the future are gonna be, like, SOOOO MUCH WORSE.

The 100 takes place nearly a century after Earth's nuclear apocalypse (my generation's not taking the blame for this one, BTW!), and the only surviving humans are on 12 space stations orbiting the planet. After connecting the space stations together (which they call "The Ark"), and screwing like bunnies, they're suddenly faced with overpopulation and forced to come up with new and creative ways to "thin the herd." (One involves shoving people out into space. Hey! Gets the job done!)

Anyway, the Ark overlords decide to secretly send 100 teen prisoners (who are all super hot, because this is still a CW show) down to Earth to see if the planet is habitable. And when they get there? OH, BOY! THE LORD OF THE FLIES FUN BEGINS! Free of parental constraints, the hot teens act out exactly how hot teens always act out when their folks are out of town—with a Kid 'n Play-style pajama jammy-jam! Okay, actually they start separating into cliques, beating each other up, and making horny-time sex with each other. (Not as good as a pajama jammy-jam... but still!)

Unfortunately, life on post-apocalyptic Earth is no picnic, and—thanks to all that radiation—there are some purrrrrretty interesting byproducts, which include, but are not limited to: flesh-eating eels, two-headed deer, and creepy tomahawk-throwing mutants. That means if they intend on surviving in this brutal new world, they'd better team up and stop all this teenage ass-grabbery!

So! What should you expect as a viewer? Well... it's a CW show! Which means it will be cram-packed with moderately okay special effects, tons of teenage drama, medium- to large-sized plot holes, and lots and lots of guilt-inducing fun. Because... hot teenagers left to their own devices!

Like I said, it's certainly no Kid 'n Play-style pajama jammy-jam, but it's much better than other things my generation created. (With the possible exception of Fruit Stripe gum.)


This Week on Television

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 19

10:00 FX THE AMERICANS

Phillip's cover might be blown by his other wife, Martha! (Moral: Twice the wife, twice the problems.)

10:00 HBO DOLL & EM

Debut! A Hollywood actor (Emily Mortimer) hires her lifelong friend to be her assistant, and awkwardness ensues!

THURSDAY, MARCH 20

8:00 NBC COMMUNITY

The gang stages a game of Dungeons and Dragons to help Professor Hickey and his son (David Cross!).

10:00 ABC SCANDAL

Vice Prez Sally meets with the NRA—which, surprisingly, doesn't go so well!

FRIDAY, MARCH 21

10:00 NBC HANNIBAL

Beverly consults imprisoned Will about yet ANOTHER serial-killer case. (Those serial killers keep busy!)

SATURDAY, MARCH 22

11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

In this rerun from January, Jonah Hill hosts, with musical guest Bastille.

SUNDAY, MARCH 23

9:00 FOX COSMOS: A SPACE-TIME ODYSSEY

Host Neil deGrasse Tyson recreates a comet exploding into the sun; declares it "AWWWWESOME!"

10:00 HBO GIRLS

Season finale! Hannah gets life-changing career news on the same night Adam's play opens. Cue mid-20s DRAMA!

MONDAY, MARCH 24

10:00 FX ARCHER

Archer has a (hilarious) run-in with a creepy arms dealer (voiced by Christian Slater!).

10:00 MTV TEEN WOLF

Season finale! Scott and his allies decide to take one last stand (preferably without their shirts).

TUESDAY, MARCH 25

9:30 FOX BROOKLYN NINE-NINE

Season finale! Jake tries to blow the lid off a corruption case that involves his superiors. Nice knowing you, Jake!

10:00 FX JUSTIFIED

Boyd and Raylan cause someone to get shot—which means it must be Tuesday.