Jeremy Eaton

Guys! I need your help with something. In recent years, the explosion of the internet has introduced many new, exciting, and entertaining writers you might never have heard of otherwise. That's great news for you... and TERRIBLE news for me. Prior to this explosion of new talent, I was the best writer you knew of—and, though you still think of me as "pretty good to fair," I now have to share the spotlight with many, many others who are at least as good, or maybe more talented than myself. That's why I'm here today with one simple request:

STOP READING THE INTERNET.

Frankly, these similarly talented internet writers are glutting the market with their excellence, and therefore, making it hard for me to compete on a global level! So that's why I need you to either (a) stop reading the internet, and just read me, (b) let me be in charge of the internet, so I can kick off anyone better than me, or (c) kill the internet entirely... except for free porn, of course.

WAIT-WAIT-WAIT! Now before you throw your paper/computer down in frustration and vow to never read me again, I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE A POINT.

First of all, I know you love me more than anyone else on the internet, and you always will. Secondly? The above was simply a clever allegory about the current most-hated company in America, Comcast. (Blech! Blech! Pa-tooie!)

As you may have heard, big honking conglomerate Comcast desperately wants to merge with that other big honking conglomerate Time Warner Cable, and both are currently pleading their case with the government—who has legitimate concerns about smaller companies being mercilessly destroyed by one SUPER BIG HONKING MEGA-CONGLOMERATE RAAAARRRRRR!!

Naturally, Comcast and Time Warner don't see it that way. "Sometimes big is necessary and good," said Comcast Executive VP David L. Cohen in his defense to the Federal Communications Commission. According to him, Comcast needs to be a hulking, competition-crushing behemoth to fight off their enemies (AKA companies providing better service to their customers). So who are these "enemies"? Primarily Verizon, Apple, Netflix, and Google—who are currently test marketing the super-fast Google Fiber, which will be a far less expensive and waaaaay faster method of streaming content.

"Without [the merger]," Cohen continued, "We have one arm tied behind our backs."

OH, BOO-HOO-HOO, poor arm! Look. There's a reason Comcast was overwhelmingly voted the "Worst Company in America" in a recent Consumerist poll—they've spent their entire corporate career steamrolling smaller companies and robbing their customers blind.

Of course, Comcast could've been spending their time developing faster data-streaming technology and other services to contribute to customer satisfaction. Instead, other, smarter companies have picked up the ball that Comcast clearly dropped—which is why Comcast & Co. wants to crush them. If they can't be your only choice? No one else gets to play.

But here's the good news: Even if the Comcast/Time Warner merger goes through, let's not forget they're dinosaurs—and dinosaurs are destined to die. In the meantime, keep on reading Wm.™ Steven Humphrey's I Love Television™... the only funny, worthwhile column on the internet! (I wish. Sniff!)

This Week on Television

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 16

10:00 FX

THE AMERICANS

Phillip and Elizabeth get new missions, neither of which are very fun.

THURSDAY, APRIL 17

8:00 NBC COMMUNITY

Season finale! The real story behind Greendale's first dean is exposed in a horrible, hilarious way.

10:00 ABC SCANDAL

Season finale! It's Election Day, and the candidates will do anything for votes... even murrrrrderrrrrrr.

FRIDAY, APRIL 18

9:00 SUN

THE WRITERS' ROOM

This week features the writing staff of Scandal—who have a LOT of explaining to do!

10:00 NBC HANNIBAL

Will resumes his doctor/patient relationship with Hannibal. (Does his insurance cover serial murdering?)

SATURDAY, APRIL 19

9:00 BBCA ORPHAN BLACK

Season premiere! Sarah suspects that pro-clone Rachel is behind her daughter's disappearance. GODDAMN CLONES!!

SUNDAY, APRIL 20

10:00 HBO SILICON VALLEY

Instead of focusing on his new product, Richard is negotiating with a lawn sprinkler company.

MONDAY, APRIL 21

10:00 FX ARCHER

Season finale! Archer Vice concludes with a spectacularly violent drug cartel battle to the finish. YAY!

TUESDAY, APRIL 22

10:00 FX FARGO

Molly suspects that Lester is involved with those dern tootin' murders, by golly!