Admittedly, it's been a few years since I was in college—but I'm purrrrrretty sure things haven't changed much. For example, I'm fairly certain that college kids still like to get so incredibly drunk that they climb the outside of the administration building in order to sneak into the dean's office window to doctor their permanent record—but instead, end up falling off the building on top of their fat friend, Jimmy "Porkhole" Portsman, sending him to the college infirmary with a broken femur.
Another popular college hobby is to get incredibly drunk, dress up like Rambo, sneak into the Alpha Chi sorority house with the intention of seducing Rhonda Fletcher, and being unable to find her because she's out with her dick boyfriend Alan Pfister, so the student instead decides to make a sandwich, and urinate in the bathroom—which unfortunately isn't really a bathroom at all, but Tonya Jacob's bed, in which she happens to be sleeping, after which the student is eventually brought up on sexual assault charges. For accidentally urinating on somebody? C'MON!!! THAT'S SO FREAKING LAME!!! (Not that this ever happened to me, of course.)
Suffice it to say, no matter how much things change in college (such as using a "computer" as opposed to me scratching out arithmetic on a shovel using a piece of coal), the more things stay the same. And this week, MTV will help prove my theory with their new reality show College Life (debuts Monday, March 2, 10:30 pm). Did I say "reality" show? I am so full of crap. As the producers put it, College Life "is not reality... this is real!" Rather than following around a few freshmen from the University of Wisconsin, Madison with an army of camera people (as they do in The Real World and a bazillion other shows), the producers have armed the college kids with their own cameras so they can videotape their adventures 24 hours a day.
Now, how is this more "real" than your average "reality show"? Mmmmm... well... it ain't. The problem with all "reality" shows is that the people being filmed know they're being filmed—which automatically negates the "realness" of any given situation. ON THE OTHER HAND, "reality" is totally overrated. The last time I checked, I live in "reality," and it's a goddamn BORE, filled with BORING people BORING the shit out of me with their BORING BORINGNESS. So instead of watching some nobody sitting around picking their toe jam, give me "hyper reality" where the skanks on the Rock of Love Bus rip off each others extensions to see who can be the first to snort coke off Bret Michaels' wiener.
So hopefully, the "reality" of College Life won't be too "real." After all, who wants to see a frosh whining about missing her b-friend back in Saskatchewan, when you could be witnessing a senior drinking 48 beers in 48 hours and thinking it would be hilarious to dig up a corpse from a nearby graveyard and leave it sitting at the desk of Mrs. Anderson, my philosophy teacher. I MEAN, THE UNNAMED SENIOR'S PHILOSOPHY TEACHER!!