Why is this column named I Love Television™? Because I treat my favorite TV series as if they were my lovers! Which is to say, I call them up for a quickie now and then, ignore them for weeks, make them pay for dinner, borrow money to pay rent, make vicious fun of their friends, groan loudly when they want me to express my "feelings," say "I'm busy" when I'm actually just playing videogames, text nude selfies to them while they're in important business meetings, tell the same jokes multiple times and become furious when they don't laugh, take them to Chuck E. Cheese's on our anniversary, and high-five myself after prematurely ejaculating and falling into a deep, snoring sleep.
So what I can't understand is this... WHY ARE MY FAVORITE SERIES LEAVING ME THIS WAY??
Okay, fine, maybe I haven't been the perfect viewer—and yes, on occasion, I've cheated on my favorite series with other forms of media... like Tinder. Aaaand Grindr. And Tingle. And Blendr. And Scruff. But what do you expect?? After watching three seasons of New Girl, it still hasn't scored me a single piece of tail. NOT ONE TAIL, DO YOU HEAR ME?!??
Uhh... okay, maybe that wasn't my best defense. But I deserve another chance! Especially with these departing series who say they "only want to take a break." Hmmf! RIGHT.
• Mad Men (AMC, season finale Sun May 25, 10 pm). Waitasecond... so Mad Men is splitting its final season in half? Which means it can go and screw any floozy it likes, and return in spring 2015 like nothing happened? OH HELL NO. Regardless, it's been a game-changing season so far... with drunky Don Draper getting demoted at work, and becoming increasingly alienated from his snaggle-toothed wife, Megan (who's in California pursuing an acting career and bisexuality). This episode is titled, "Waterloo"—which didn't turn out so good for Napoleon (France's Don Draper), did it? Unless they're talking about the ABBA version.
• Hannibal (NBC, season finale Fri May 23, 10 pm). This series is so gorgeous, so bloody, so horrifying... how can it leave me? We have so much in common!! In this season ender, a trap for the certifiably crazy Hannibal Lecter is set by the also kinda certifiably crazy FBI profiler Will Graham. But will Hannibal out-crazy Will, or will Will out-crazy Hannibal? (See why this show is perfect for me?)
• The Americans (FX, season finale Wed May 21, 10 pm). Apparently this series—about a pair of married Russian spies going undercover in an American suburb during Reagan's "Cold War"—is leaving me, even though I've called it one of the best shows on TV! Need proof? The normally tense marriage between Philip and Elizabeth (brilliantly played by Matthew Rhys and Keri Russell) has been getting better AND sexier! (RROWWRR!) But this season, their kids are getting closer to the truth of their parents' secret lives, and so is a vengeful American spy who's vowed to find these Rooskies and murder them... to DEATH! (Noooooooo! Stay with me, The Americans! I'll protect you... juuuust as soon as I finish chatting with this cutie on Tinder.)
I chat on Twitter, too! @WmSteveHumphrey
WEDNESDAY, MAY 21
8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL
Season finale! A brand-new idol is chosen; one we will most certainly not idolize.
9:00 ABC MODERN FAMILY
Season finale! Mitch and Cam's wedding causes a psychological breakdown for everybody involved.
THURSDAY, MAY 22
9:00 NBC LAST COMIC STANDING
Season premiere! More comics go head-to-head in this reality show, which is somewhat less loathsome than others.
10:30 IFC COMEDY BANG! BANG!
Scott and Reggie welcome the adorably hilarious Jenna Fischer.
FRIDAY, MAY 23
10:00 NBC HANNIBAL
Season finale! In which we finally discover who wins in the epic kitchen fight between Hannibal and Jack!
SATURDAY, MAY 24
9:00 BBCA ORPHAN BLACK
Sarah teams up with a former enemy in her search for the eviiiiil brains behind the clone experiment!
SUNDAY, MAY 25
9:00 ANI BLOOD LAKE: ATTACK OF THE KILLER LAMPREYS—Movie
(2014) Beverly Hills 90210's Shannen Doherty stars in this horror flick about face-sucking lampreys. GROSS!
9:00 HBO THE NORMAL HEART—Movie
(2014) An adaptation of Larry Kramer's award-winning play about gay activists fighting the AIDS crisis in the early '80s.
MONDAY, MAY 26
10:00 FX LOUIE
Louie's epic six-part "Elevator" arc continues with parts four and five!
TUESDAY, MAY 27
9:00 FOX I WANNA MARRY "HARRY"
Debut! An absolutely TERRIBLE new reality show about women being tricked into thinking they're pursuing Prince Harry, but he's actually a fake.
10:00 SYFY THE WIL WHEATON PROJECT
Debut! Kind of like The Daily Show... except for sci-fi nerds!