Would you like to know why I'm successful and those other TV columnists are giving two-dollar rimjobs to diseased sailors down by the waterfront? Because I'm AWESOME at making up titles! "I Love Television™" is clearly the most superior title for a TV column ever invented, automatically making every other TV column in the world look like a bucket of Lindsay Lohan's toe cheese.
I'm also especially awesome at making up titles for television shows (you may recall Millionaire Gloryhole and Celebrity Donkey Polo Island). HOWEVER! Is it my fault these shows haven't been picked up? No, it isn't. It's the network executives' fault, because they're too goddamn stupid to realize that a show called Celebrity Donkey Polo Island is the television equivalent of a magical unicorn squirting crack cocaine out of its horn.
Now that my excellence at constructing TV-show names has been firmly established, I'd like to take this opportunity to discuss TWO shows debuting this week: one with a great name and one with an ass-ugly name. First, the great name.
• HOT GIRLS IN SCARY PLACES (E!, Fri March 13, 9 pm). Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is an AWESOME name for a TV show. It's pure, it's simple, and it's beautiful because there's exactly ZERO guesswork involved. Three University of Southern California cheerleaders (not the ugly kind, either) spend the night in a haunted hospital in order to win $10,000. They scream, they grab each other, and they hop up and down without the aid of bras. THE END. Now compare this plot to that of another show debuting this week, stupidly called Kings (NBC, Sun March 15, 8 pm). I've read the plot synopsis three times, and I still can't freaking figure it out! Something about an alternate universe where America is ruled by a corporate-sponsored monarchy, starring the guy from Deadwood and based on the Bible's King David? WTF?!? If I want to be annoyed and bewildered for an hour, I'll watch Battlestar Galactica en Español! Anyway, don't miss Hot Girls in Scary Places—after all, it's the reason television was invented.
And now, a show debuting this week with a baaaaaad name.
• BETTER OFF TED (ABC, Wed March 18, 8:30 pm). WOW. That name is the written equivalent of bloody fingernail ice cream sprinkled with syphilis. It is TERRRRIBLE! But the series itself—about a guy named Ted who's in charge of research and development for a satanic conglomerate—has the potential to be funny... that is, when you're not stabbing yourself in the neck out of embarrassment for watching such a stupidly titled show. "Hey, Hump! What did you watch on TV last night?... Better off Ted?? HAR! HAR! HAR! You're an ASSHOLE." I'm serious: Better off Ted is almost as bad as Numb3rs (pronounced "numb-3-ers")—a show universally hailed as the WORST TV-show name in the history of the TV name universe! The person who came up with the name Better off Ted should be forced to sit through an entire season of Numb3rs, French-kiss Rush Limbaugh, and go to Chainsaw Murderer Island. Hey... now that's a great name for a show!