Though I go by many names ("Home of the Whopper" being one of them), there is one name I'm most proud of—and that's "Wm.™ Steven Humphrey: The Woman's Friend™." How did I come by such a distinguished and lofty moniker? Surprisingly, it was NOT because of my enthusiastic and enticingly cruel sexual prowess. It's because I give women tampons.
Remember how in olden days, gentlemen would offer a handkerchief or maybe their fancy jacket to a lady? Those guys were honorary citizens of Squaresville, daddy-o! Today's modern woman doesn't want your stupid foppish coat or used hankie. They want one thing and one thing only: acknowledgement of their menstrual cycle! (Some also say they want "equal pay for equal work." HAW! As if.)
Anyhoo, that's where the tampons come in. One day I put a Tampax Multi-Pack in the employee bathroom with a Post-it reading, "Compliments of Wm.™ Steven Humphrey: The Woman's Friend™"—and my stock in the office skyrocketed! I suddenly went from "the guy looking down the barrel of a sexual harassment suit" to "El Hombre Sensitivo Corazón!" Even better, when the other guys in the office accused me of being "GROSS!" for buying chicks tampons, the girls were all like, "Shut up, men! Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me is sensitive to a woman's menstrual needs and you're a bunch of dickholes!"
That being said, carrying tampons in your pocket isn't the only way a man can be "the woman's friend." A dude can also suggest any of the following estrogenrific chick shows debuting this week!
• In the Motherhood (ABC, Thurs March 26, 8 pm). If you really want to be sensitive, then you need to remember that women do one thing better than any man: and that's squirt babies out of their vaginas. Very funny ladies Megan Mullally (Will & Grace), Cheryl Hines (Curb Your Enthusiasm), and Jessica St. Clair (Best Week Ever) star as three very different moms trying to juggle family, work, and their personal lives without blowing their heads off with shotguns, or succumbing to a Vicodin/vodka overdose. Did I mention this was a comedy?
• Cupid (ABC, Tues March 31, 10 pm). Apparently there's this emotion they call "love" and girls are ka-razy for it! This show is about a guy who may or may not be Cupid, who was sent down to earth to hook people up, but ends up getting the hots for his psychiatrist! Yeah, to guys this sounds like the television equivalent of sticking needles underneath your eyelids—but the lady in your life will "love" you for it! (Was that the correct usage of the word?)
• The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency (HBO, Sun March 29, 8 pm). Fact: Girls think guys who read books are sensitive. So pretend you do! Based on the international bestseller, The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency is about the owner (singer Jill Scott) of the only female detective agency based in Botswana! See, these are just the kind of friends a guy like me needs! (Note to self: Check on how much it costs to ship a box of tampons to Africa.)