It's another huge week for TV—and yet, I will focus much of this column on minutiae that is of interest only to myself. Unsurprisingly, the subject is once again MONKEYS. Today's monkey topic: Why does the media continue to represent monkeys in such a ridiculously factual manner?
Example: This week the Animal Planet network brings us the second season premiere of the awesomely titled but poorly executed Escape to Chimp Eden (Fri April 3, 9 pm). When I first heard of this show, I squealed like a tween catching her first glimpse of a Jonas Brother nipple—because I thought the show was going to be an accurate representation of the title. I mean... c'mon! Escape to Chimp Eden SHOULD be about monkeys being rescued from zoos and taken to a Japanese TV studio where they can (a) eat spaghetti, (b) wear little red jumpers, (c) roller skate and/or ride Segways, and (d) fling their poop at humans. That's "Eden," right? Instead, the show is about a naturalist who "rescues" endangered chimps and transports them to a wildlife preserve in Africa.
Last time I checked there are no Segways in Africa! There are also no little red jumpers to wear! (Though there may be spaghetti... I'm not sure.) However, there is an ample supply of BOREDOM. Therefore! If this naturalist is so convinced that monkeys would be happier in SUPER BORING Africa than a super-fun Japanese TV studio—THEN WHY DOESN'T HE LIVE THERE? Check... mate... and BURRRRRRN.
Now, while naturalists all over the world are sputtering and fuming in impotent rage over my totally wicked burn, let's check out some non-chimp related shows coming on this week.
• ER (NBC, Thurs April 2, 9 pm). It's the two-hour SERIES finale of ER, and they're pulling out all the stops by bringing on the most awesome special guest star ever, ERNEST BORGNINE! (Note to anyone who's never heard of the extraordinarily splendiferous and loveably majestic Borgnine: You suck. He was in Airwolf, man! AIR-FREAKING-WOLF!!)
• The Hills (MTV, Mon April 6, 10 pm). I just watched the trailer for The Hills fifth season premiere over at MTV.com, and it... was... A-MA-ZING! Some biznatch invites Heidi to Lauren's birthday party, Spencer gets in a slap fight with Steph's b-friend, and Audrina's donkey teeth threaten to sink the whole of Southern California. This is gonna be the best season ever!
• The Unusuals (ABC, Wed April 8, 10 pm). A team of NYC detectives (including Joan of Arcadia's Amber Tamblyn, Lost's Harold Perrineau, and The Hebrew Hammer's Adam Goldberg) fights crime while battling their own unique mental illnesses. Hey, that's just like me... except for the crime-fighting part.
• Deadliest Warrior (Spike, Tues April 7, 10 pm). In this reality show, a gang of fighting/weapon experts study the moves of some of the most vicious warriors in history, and pit them against each other in a computer-generated fight to the finish! Don't miss such epic battles as "Ninja vs. Spartan," "Gladiator vs. Apache," "Yakuza vs. Mafia" and "Roller Skating Chimp vs. Naturalist." (One can dream, can't one?)