I Love Television™ 

Cracking the Code

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Okay, so just to let you know... I'M FURIOUS!!! I just got off the phone with a "customer service representative" (psssshht! Right!) who informed me the bouncy house I ordered wouldn't be available for my upcoming party! (Look... you don't need to know why I want a bouncy house. My sex life is my business.)

ANYWAY! I ordered the bouncy house online, paid the deposit, but now they claim my bouncy house isn't in stock! So I was like, "NOT my problem, bouncy house people! YOU promised me a bouncy house... so rent a bouncy house from another bouncy house place, and fulfill the bouncy house promise you made to ME, your bouncy house customer!" The customer service person pauses and says, "Umm... we're not gonna do that. No bouncy house for you."

NO BOUNCY HOUSE FOR ME???

Nobody... and I mean freaking NOBODY denies me a bouncy house! I'm an entitled US citizen, mothereffers! If a mentally damaged hayseed can buy a gun that his mentally damaged kids use to accidentally kill their mentally damaged siblings, then I should be able to get a bouncy house ON DEMAND. And that, my friends, is the goddamn problem with America today: "customer service" is a goddamn JOKE, and the only way to get what you want is by somehow cracking their "secret code."

For example! Many of you say you'd love to watch HBO—but you refuse to purchase an entire cable package. For years, we've had to pay scads of money for disgusting channels (looking at you, TLC) featuring disgusting programs (looking at you, Duck Dynasty) that we'd never, ever watch. Happily, however, things may be starting to change....

Realizing many of their customers are ditching cable to haphazardly find shows on Netflix or torrent sites, some cable companies are quietly adding packages, that allow you to order HBO and basic internet service alone. But obviously, they still want you to pay a butt-load of money, so they're not going to volunteer the information. (Bastards!!)

That's why I was psyched to see Geoffrey A. Fowler's article for the Wall Street Journal, "The Secret Code to Get HBO without Cable TV," in which he figured out the "code" (or package names) you can drop to score these sweet deals. For example, with Comcast, if you only want internet, a few basic channels, and HBO, then you order the "Internet Plus" package. Likewise, with Time Warner Cable, you would request the "Starter TV + HBO and an Internet Plan." With AT&T U-verse you ask for "HBO Internet Plus," while with Verizon FiOS you have to order the mind-numbingly wordy "50/25 Mbps + Local News and Sports + HBO (or Showtime)" package.

Naturally your helpful "customer service agent" will try to confuse you into purchasing a more expensive package—but as Fowler says, just keep asking for "internet and HBO." Eventually you'll annoy them into acquiescence. Now if you'll excuse me, this article has inspired me to call the bouncy house company back and get the bouncy house I deserve! Here's the secret code I'm gonna use: "If you get me the bouncy house, I'll let you have sex in it, too... okay?!?"

This Week on Television

WEDNESDAY, JULY 23

9:00 CBS EXTANT

Molly considers telling John about the evil alien monster in her belly. DO... NOT... DO... IT!

9:00 VH1 SOUNDCLASH

Debut! Pop bands of various styles join together on one stage to "mash up" their music, thereby driving a nail into my ear.

THURSDAY, JULY 24

9:00 LIF PROJECT RUNWAY

Season premiere! The designers are chosen and immediately tasked with creating a dress no one would wear in a million years.

9:30 NBC WORKING THE ENGELS

Jimmy loses his grandma's ring to a stripper. Oh, if I had a nickel for every time that happened to me!

FRIDAY, JULY 25

10:00 SYFY THE ALMIGHTY JOHNSONS

Ty develops a crush on a goddess—like, you know... a REAL goddess!

SATURDAY, JULY 26

8:00 NICK HENRY DANGER

Debut! A nebbish eighth-grader becomes a superhero's sidekick in this action/comedy.

9:00 SYFY MEGA SHARK VS. MECHA SHARK—Movie

(2014) The government builds a super robot shark to kill an actual big shark. (What, did they run out of bombs?)

SUNDAY, JULY 27

10:00 SHO MASTERS OF SEX

Virginia learns secrets from Masters' icky childhood... which explain A LOT.

10:00 FX THE STRAIN

Setrakian develops a plan to stop the spread of vampire disease—which might include lots of garlic?

MONDAY, JULY 28

8:00 NBC RUNNING WILD WITH BEAR GRYLLS

Debut! Outdoorsy Bear Grylls takes celebs into the wilderness. This week, pretty boy Zac Efron!

TUESDAY, JULY 29

10:00 COM DRUNK HISTORY

Hilarious drunks recount the actions of Civil War soldiers—many of whom were drunk themselves.

10:30 COM NATHAN FOR YOU

Nathan revisits his most successful business makeover: Dumb Starbucks!

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