Jeremy Eaton

I have nothing to say to you this week. Don't get me wrong: I'm not angry, nor am I disappointed that it's been three weeks since any of you have offered to sleep with me, or share your drugs. I just sincerely have nothing to say to you. Zero, zilch, zip, zippo, zot.

Sooooo... boy, this is awkward... umm, maybe you should go do something else? And no, I can't suggest anything on TV this week, because there's absolutely nothing worth watching. NADA.

Okay, fine... maybe there's that Barbra Streisand: Live in Concert special on CBS (Sat, April 25, 8 pm), which is going to be freaking AWESOME. Yeah, I know... you hate Barbra Streisand. However! Here's why you should watch it: (1) Despite the fact that she's like, oh... 367 years old, Babs still sings like she's imprisoned a couple of melodious canaries in her tits. And (2) she has the WORST plastic surgery ever! She looks like someone stuck a few live bees in her mouth before stretching a hundred yards of Saran Wrap around her face. Plus her forehead refuses to crease under any circumstance, and her droopy top lip just kind of lazily flaps around while she sings. It's truly a horrific sight—and thus, I award it my highest recommendation.

But... other than that, there's nothing good on this week—so I have nothing more to say.

Of course, I could mention the... nahhhh. Forget it. You wouldn't be interested. I mean, who other than myself would be completely freaking PSYCHED about the new G.I. Joe: Resolute animated movie debuting on Cartoon Network (Friday, April 24, 9 pm)? However, if you just happen to be a bespectacled geek, then run immediately for your clean underwear drawer, because you're about to experience NERDGASM. This hush-hush project is strictly an ADULT makeover of the old G.I. Joe cartoon (nerd squirt #1), penned by acclaimed comic scribe Warren Ellis—of Transmetropolitan and The Authority fame (nerd squirt #2)—wherein the Joe team operates like an actual military covert unit that uses real bullets (no lasers), and occasionally disembowels their opponents (for example, ninjas). SQUIRT!!!

But other than letting you know I'm wearing sticky underpants, there is nothing I feel the need to share with you today. Nope. Not a single thing. So... toodle-oo! Find something interesting to do with yourself this week—but that definitely should NOT include the series premiere of Daisy of Love on VH1 (Sunday, April 26, 9 pm).

Yeah, I'm pretty certain you won't be interested in yet another knock-off of the crab-infested dating show, Bret Michaels' Rock of Love. Apparently Daisy de la Hoya came in second in Michaels' most recent skank fest, and because VH1 works in roughly the same manner as genital herpes, that means now she gets her own show, too. Expect laughs, tears, and oozing sores as 20 hormonally imbalanced guys fistfight for the opportunity to win Daisy's heart, and the grand prize of poking her in the rear. Ah, romance!

But other than that, there's absolutely NOTHING going on this week. Soooooo... what's up with you? I mean other than sharing your drugs and sex with me? What? You have nothing to say to me? steve@portlandmercury.com