Jeremy Eaton

I Love Television™ reader Tiffani Grayson writes: "Dear Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me: I wish you were a network executive. If you were, TV would be a much more interesting place. Plus you could hire me as your personal assistant, and we could do very filthy things. Your fan, Tiff."

Right you are, Tiffani! I would make an awesome network executive. (And while I already have a personal assistant taking care of my filthy needs, I get bored easily and will keep your résumé on file.) The problem with most net execs is they're TOO SOFT. Like old people, TV shows want to be treated "respectfully" and given the opportunity to "die with dignity." Well, SCREW YOU, TV shows! In case you didn't know, it's "upfront season"—that time of year when shows get picked up, renewed, or canceled—and if I were an executive, I'd be flushing a ton of shows right down the poop can!

For example? I'd keep NBC's The Office and 30 Rock—but as for Law & Order? POOP-CAN IT!! That show reminds me of my great Aunt Beatrice, who keeps repeating the same boring stories, while occasionally disappearing for three days at a time, only to be found wandering nude through a McDonald's drive-through. Another NBC show that needs to go is Parks and Recreation. I'm sorry, but I tried it—and if The Office is like Froot Loops, Parks and Recreation is Fruity Hoops. POOP-CAN IT!!

As for ABC, I'm happy to keep watching Lost and The Unusuals for another season or two, but I have three words for Desperate Housewives, Grey's Anatomy, and Ugly Betty: POOP... CAN... IT!! These shows are a triple threat of TERRIBLE and the festering mouth-sores of network television.

And don't even get me started on CBS! There's not a single show I'd save. I hate Cold Case, I hate Without a Trace, I hate The Mentalist, I hate Two and a Half Men, I hate all the CSIs, I hate Ghost Whisperer, I really fawking hate Numb3rs, and yes, I also hate How I Met Your Mother. In fact, the only show I would even consider saving is Friday Night Lights. Huh? That's on NBC? Oh. THEN POOP-CAN IT!!

And if someone asks me, "Should Fox poop-can Dollhouse?" My answer is "YES!" However! The best part of that show is when all the "dolls" take coed showers together. So what they need to do is figure out a way to solve all the mysteries while keeping these sexy people nude, soapy, and in the shower. Or just get rid of the mysteries all together, and change the name to "Sexy Nude Community Coed Showers." Otherwise? SHOOT IT DOWN THE POOP CAN!

Naturally, the CW network is perfect in every way, with such awesome unfawkwithable shows as Gossip Girl, 90210, Supernatural, and Smallville—and is therefore exempt from any poop-canning.

IN CONCLUSION! If I were a network executive? You would only have eight shows to choose from. And without enough advertising revenue to support the television industry, it would quickly collapse. People would then be forced to read books, and—THAT WAS YOUR PLAN ALL ALONG, WASN'T IT?!?