Jeremy Eaton

I've mentioned this before, but it's worth repeating: The Hills freaks the poop out of my bottom! I'm serious! There have been occasions where I've eaten an entire block of cheese in one sitting and could not poop. However, after watching a single episode of The Hills, my poop was so freaked, it came flying out of my bottom and knocked itself unconscious running into the magazine rack.

Why is The Hills so freaky? A number of reasons: (1) It's a reality show that's completely scripted and visually manipulated. Wait... HUH? (2) Things happen to the characters in "real life" (i.e., our reality) that don't quite sync up on TV. For example, while douchebaggy Spencer is cheating on blonde fleshbot Heidi on the show, in real life they're getting married and shooting a music video in swine-flu-stricken Mexico! Wha... wha... WHAAAAAAAT? (3) Lauren Conrad (the star of the show) has a mustache, her incredibly dumb friend Audrina has donkey teeth, Spencer's sister Steph is a cross between Tara Reid and Mephi-stopheles, and LC's friend Lo looks like a bunny with a vibrating Sonicare lodged in its rectum. Other than that, it's completely normal.

But here's another thing that's chasing poop out of my bottom. According to MTV, the mustachioed Lauren is leaving the show at the end of the season. Actually, she wanted to return, but her mustache wanted to do movies. Ka-zing-a-ling-a-LING!! Thank yew! Thank yew! I'll be here all week.

Anyhoo, so Lauren's leaving the show, and now they're looking for a replacement. A REPLACEMENT? Why do you need a "replacement" for a reality show? Think about your life as a reality show for a minute. Say your best friend ups and moves to Amsterdam (your friend's a big pothead). As soon as pothead leaves, will a new best friend suddenly pop into the picture? OF COURSE NOT! You'd be lost, alone, and begging your friend to smuggle you dope in boxes of peanut brittle.

AND! They're apparently thinking of replacing Lauren with Kristin Cavallari, who used to be on MTV's Laguna Beach—which just happens to be the original show that The Hills was spun off from! Ohhh no-no-no-no-HELL NO! You don't suddenly take a star from one reality show and plop them down as the star of a completely different reality show! That would be like replacing your pothead best friend with David Caruso from CSI: Miami. And frankly, I can't think of anything more terrible. Okay, fine. Maybe the Holocaust is more terrible.

So while it's completely ridiculous to even consider replacing Lauren Conrad on The Hills, it's somewhat less ridiculous when I consider it. Therefore, here are just a few ideas of people who would be awesome replacements for LC: former Panamanian dictator Manuel Noriega; Knut the German baby polar bear; an Arby's Beef 'n' Cheddar; recent Republican turncoat Arlen Specter; a 1989 Ford Festiva; the ghost of Bea Arthur (R.I.P. Bea); an air horn; that dollop of ketchup someone left on the chair in the employee break room; TV's Blossom; and Lauren Conrad's mustache. (Mark my words: When its movie career tanks, that mustache will come crawling back.)