Jeremy Eaton

While it is not my intention, the following column is virtually guaranteed to destroy the dreams of millions of hippies—and yet? PLAYA'S GOT TO GET PAID, AMIRITE, WHOOP WHOOP! On Sunday, September 7, at 8 pm, the Fox Network will debut their newest reality competition, Utopia—in which 15 contestants are dropped off in a remote location, and instructed to create their own new unspoiled utopian society. Created by "reality mastermind" John de Mol (The Voice, Big Brother), the show asks the following questions (from the Utopia press release): "Will [the contestants] choose democracy or dictatorship? Fidelity or free love? Will they punish or forgive? Choose religion or rationalism? What conflicts will emerge?"

DEAR GOD THEY ASK A LOT OF DUMB QUESTIONS.

Nevertheless I'm happy to answer these questions for Fox (and you, so you don't have to watch this piece of donkey plop).

QUESTION 1: "Will [the contestants] choose democracy or dictatorship?" Hmmm... let's see... historically speaking, people really LOVE dictatorships... but I'm gonna have to go with "democracy." Why? Because this is America (pause to drop three tons of red, white, and blue confetti), and if you're dumb enough to go on a show like this, you probably think America actually is a democracy, and you're afraid a dictatorship might take away your 64-ounce Big Gulps.

QUESTION 2: "Fidelity or free love?" Oh! One thing I forgot to mention about this show: The producers purposefully cast the worst human beings they could find. Therefore the possibility of an actual "utopia"—an impossible concept in the first place (sorry, hippies)—has a better chance of existing in Syria than this terrible show. That being said, "fidelity" is overrated, and there are some hot, half-naked people involved—so if an actual utopia is out of the question, at least let 'em bone.

QUESTION 3: "Will they punish or forgive?" One of the jobs the contestants have to accomplish (besides building shelters and boning) is creating "laws." Now, assuming they aren't going to take the easy route and establish a dictatorship, that means they're going to be spending a ton of time devising an agreed-upon moral code... which sounds insanely boring and will seriously cut into their boning time. Just hire a dictator already, and go get your bone on!

QUESTION 4: "Choose religion or rationalism?" Umm... why are these the only choices?? What about "snow cones"? If you're supposedly creating "utopia," then the question should be, "Do you prefer religion, rationalism, or snow cones?" But AHA! They never ask that question, because they know snow cones will win every time. Why? Because, of those three choices, which one has NEVER caused a war, bored the shit out of you, or tried to stop you from masturbating? SNOW CONES!

QUESTION 5: "What conflicts will emerge?" Well, the central conflict for the audience will be, "This stupid show is no different from Survivor, Big Brother, and The Real World, so WHY AM I WATCHING THIS?" But for the contestants, only one conflict will rise above the rest: "Who gets to be in charge of eating snow cones?" (Ahem. That would be me, Dictator Slurpy von Freezy Kone.)

This Week on Television

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 3

10:00 FXX THE LEAGUE

Season premiere! As the gang attends a funeral, Andre becomes more insufferable than ever.

10:00 FX THE BRIDGE

Drug lord Fausto is betrayed by someone in his own organization! (That's what you get for using temps.)

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 4

10:00 IFC GARFUNKEL AND OATES

The gals use "science" to determine if blondes actually have more fun.

10:30 FX YOU'RE THE WORST

Jimmy meets Gretchen's parents... which goes even worse than expected.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 5

10:00 MAX THE KNICK

Lucy discovers Dr. Thackery's secret. (Psst! The one where he shoots opium into his toes. EWW!)

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 6

8:00 LIF THE BRITTANY MURPHY STORY—Movie

(2014) No thank you, Lifetime! I said, "NO... THANK... YOU!"

11:00 STARZ THE CHAIR

Debut! Remember Project Greenlight? It's like that, except two new filmmakers direct the exact same script!

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 7

9:00 HBO BOARDWALK EMPIRE

Season premiere! Nucky visits Cuba and plots an end to Prohibition. (Why work during your vacation, Nucky?)

10:00 HBO THE LEFTOVERS

Season finale! Mapleton is in chaos after an incident caused by those crazypants Guilty Remnant people.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 8

10:00 A&E LOVE PRISON

Debut! Couples involved in online relationships see if they can make it work in "love prison" (also known as "marriage").

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 9

9:00 CBS FASHION ROCKS

Featuring Usher, Jennifer Lopez, KISS, and a bunch of half-naked models.

10:00 FX SONS OF ANARCHY

Season premiere! With Tara dead, Jax sits in prison with one thing on his mind: REEEEVEEEEENGE!