Jeremy Eaton

Okay, who's ready to say, "Suck it, sun! I'm going inside to watch some motherfreaking TELL-O-VISION! WOOT WOOT HOLLAAAAAA!" That's right, summer's on the wane, thongs are going back in the drawer, and the networks are trotting out their brand-new shows, which we'll happily rip to shreds on various social media outlets. But there's really only ONE series everyone is universally horny for... and it's Fox's new BATMAN BABIES! Okay fine—its actual title is Gotham (debuting Mon Sept 22, 8 pm). But I refuse to refer to it as anything other than... BATMAN BABIES!

The plot of BATMAN BABIES! is simple: It's the story of Gotham City when Batman was still a thumb-sucking, diaper-dumping baby. Okay, so he's actually like 12 years old or something. But everything takes place just after his parents are murdered, when future Commissioner Gordon is still a young cop, and the villains are still young villains. Would it be better if they were all actual babies, perhaps in a nursery—a format already proven immensely successful in the classic Muppet Babies? WHY YES, IT WOULD. But as it's been repeated to me on numerous occasions, I do not run the networks, and I should take all my great ideas and stick them inside my butthole.

When I'm dead, maybe you'll appreciate me. In the meantime, let's take a peek at other shows debuting this week!

Red Band Society (Fox, Wed Sept 17, 9 pm). Raise your hand if you watched or read The Fault in Our Stars! Dear god, it was terrrrrrrrible! (Don't kill me, teenagers!) Anyway, Red Band Society is kind of a cross between The Fault in Our Stars, Glee, and The Breakfast Club, about a group of smart, sassy-pants kids who have cancer and initially despise one another—but eventually learn to love each other and themselves. Yuck? Well, it's not as terrrrrrible as The Fault in Our Stars... so there's that!

The Mysteries of Laura (NBC, Wed Sept 17, 10 pm). Debra Messing (Will & Grace) stars as Laura Diamond, a hot-poop NYC detective AND a harried, soon-to-be-divorced mom. Complicating matters is her future ex-husband who just got promoted to be her BOSS. (Oh, television! How you do love unbelievable coincidence!) This series mixes drama with Debra Messing complaining about her Spanx—so your mom will LOVE it.

Scorpion (CBS, Mon Sept 22, 9 pm). Based on the true story of Walter O'Brien—who hacked into NASA at age 13, and went on to help nab the Boston bombers—Scorpion is about a group of crackpot geniuses (and a normal waitress?) who fight terrorists—with the power of their brains! While much more exciting than most of your grandparents' CBS shows, it still smells a little like strawberry Ensure.

Forever (ABC, Tues Sept 23, 10 pm). Ioan Gruffudd (Fantastic Four) stars as a NYC medical examiner who solves crimes. SNORE! But here's the twist: He gets killed in every episode and magically comes back to life! Except of course, when the show's eventually cancelled—which no one returns from. But maybe he can come back as a baby? Then it can be Forever Babies! (Muppet Babies: R.I.P. 1984-1991. Never forget.)

This Week on Television

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 17

10:00 CBS EXTANT

Season finale! Molly returns to space to battle the evil alien spores! (I hope Molly wins!)

10:00 FX THE BRIDGE

Sonya faces off with the serial-murdering Eleanor. (I hope Sonya wins!)

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 18

10:00 IFC GARFUNKEL AND OATES

Riki hears a familiar "tick, tick, tick" and rushes to a fertility doctor.

10:30 FX YOU'RE THE WORST

Season finale! Jimmy and Gretchen take their relationship to the next level (i.e., not hating each other).

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 19

12:15 am TOON TIM & ERIC'S BEDTIME STORIES

Debut! The insane Tim and Eric debut a sketch show that's got a creepy Twilight Zone vibe!

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 20

9:00 HBO BEYONCÉ AND JAY-Z: ON THE RUN TOUR

Here's the concert you couldn't afford to see! (Watch it fast, before the divorce sets in.)

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 21

8:00 CBS MADAM SECRETARY

Debut! Téa Leoni stars as a former CIA analyst turned secretary of state whozzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

10:00 SHO MASTERS OF SEX

A television crew wants to film Masters and Johnson's sex study. (Now there's a show I would watch!)

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 22

8:00 FOXGOTHAM

Debut! Wahh! Wahh! Baby Batman! Wahh! Wahh! Baby Commissioner Gordon!

9:00 FOX SLEEPY HOLLOW

Season premiere! The return of TV's second craziest show! (Scandal is and always will be number one.)

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 23

9:00 ABC AGENTS OF SHIELD

Season premiere! Last season ended with a bang, so give this show another chance!

9:00 CBS NCIS: NEW ORLEANS

Debut! You know, eventually everyone's grandparents will die... and we'll never see shows like this again, thank god.