Look, guys. I don't expect an apology, okay? I don't even need you to say the words, "Humpy, you tried to tell us FOR YEARS how wrong we were, and we didn't listen. But now we're listening, and we will never, ever doubt you again... and please have sex with us." You don't have to say that. [Pauses to see if you'll actually say that. No? Okay, fine, moving on.]
But the fact of the matter is I... TOLD... YOU... SO! For the last seven decades (give or take) I've been writing this column, I've repeatedly said that the NFL is jam-crammed full of nothing but a bunch of overpaid, ass-grabbing, violent meatheads. Need more proof? Let's do a quick headcount of the most recent examples of NFL players involved in domestic- and child-abuse scandals. There's Ray Rice (knocked his then fiancée unconscious in a hotel elevator and dragged her body onto a casino floor), Adrian Peterson (charged with beating his child with a tree branch), Ray McDonald (who allegedly assaulted his pregnant fiancée at a party), and Greg Hardy (convicted on two counts of domestic assault AND threatened to kill his ex-girlfriend). And believe me when I say, those are just the ones we know about.
However! While I've spent years bitching and moaning about the players, I've rarely pointed my smelly finger at the league—who shares a heapin' helpin' of responsibility. NFL bosses have spent their careers focusing on piles of money instead of the violent (and criminal) abuses of their players. And when punishments are doled out? Well, let's just say they're somewhat less punishing than being punched in the face or beaten with a tree branch.
At the risk of being one of those a-holes who always squeals, "What about the children?"... well... What about the children? (Hey, this is the only time in my life I've squealed, "What about the children?"—because normally I'm too busy squealing, "Please god, don't let me have any more children!") As we know, 80 percent of all six-year-old boys ARE THE WORST. They physically destroy everything they touch, and are basically little bags of unbridled testosterone. Plus they believe everything adults tell them. So if they hear about one of their football heroes beating a woman, and the NFL only responds with temporary suspensions (or in kid terms, getting a "time out")—is that putting them on the path of being a more enlightened adult? (That's a rhetorical question, BTW... the answer is obviously HELL TO THE NAW!)
Years pass, and surprise! Those six-year-old jerks are now jerks in their mid-twenties, cracking heads on the football field (and off!), and making money hand over fist for their league bosses... and something tells me that, deep inside, that's just how the NFL wants it.
So... yeah. I don't like football. But don't get it twisted—I'm not the asshole here. The assholes are every NFL boss and every NFL player and every NFL fan who's not immediately standing up and loudly saying to the world, "Beating women and children is not fucking allowed, okay?"
Do that and maybe I'll like football a little more.
This Week on Television
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 24
9:30 ABC BLACK-ISH
Debut! A sitcom starring Anthony Anderson as an upwardly mobile ad exec and his annoying, loveable family.
10:00 FX THE BRIDGE
Sonya tries to interpret Eleanor's ledger, which isn't easy because she's cray-cray-crazy pants.
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 25
9:00 ABC SCANDAL
Season premiere! Olivia goes missing and Fitz starts his second term with a brand new... SCANDAL!
10:00 ABC HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER
Debut! Another Shonda Rhimes joint, this time about a law professor and her students who solve murders!
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 26
10:00 MAX THE KNICK
Racial tensions boil over when a cop stabs a black man. (It's like the early 20th century's Ferguson.)
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 27
9:00 STARZ OUTLANDER
Season finale! Claire attempts to adapt to her new marriage by doing a little bow-chicka-bow-wow-wow!
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Season premiere! Hosted by your fave person in the galaxy, Guardians of the Galaxy's Chris Pratt!
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 28
8:30 FOX BROOKLYN NINE-NINE
Season premiere! Jake goes undercover as a mafioso. (Cue repeated Italian stereotypes!)
10:00 SHO MASTERS OF SEX
Season finale! Masters and Johnson present the results of their sex study to the world. (Hope everybody likes it!)
MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 29
8:00 FOX GOTHAM
Baby Commish Gordon investigates a child-trafficking ring... involving baby Catwoman Selina Kyle!
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 30
8:00 ABC SELFIE
Debut! The title of this show alone makes me want to murder the earth.
9:00 ABC AGENTS OF SHIELD
Coulson risks it all to save the team. (Special guest star Kyle MacLachlan!)