Jeremy Eaton

Are you sick of superheroes yet? ME TOO! And, ME NEITHER! You can't swing a dead Streaky the Supercat without hitting some superhero movie or TV show these days, and I think I've almost reached my threshold. ALMOST. The recent premiere of Gotham (AKA Batman Babies!) wasn't quite a disappointment—the villains are uniformly terrific, but Ben McKenzie as Ryan Atwood from The O.C. as baby James Gordon is kind of terrrrrible—though it's certainly not as fun as I'd hoped. Meanwhile, Agents of SHIELD showed a poop-ton of improvement at the end of last season... though it's too early to tell if they'll drop the ball again. So who do our superhero hopes rest upon this week? That would be CW's The Flash (debuting Tues Oct 7, 8 pm).

The adorable Grant Gustin stars as young Barry Allen. (The Flash's secret identity! Oh... almost forgot... Spoiler alert!) He's a goddamn lazy punk working as an assistant crime scene investigator (convenient!), when a lab mishap knocks him into a coma and he wakes up months later with the power of super speed! (Note: Lucky breaks like this make it really awkward for people who lapse into comas and come out of them worse than before. NOT SENSITIVE, FLASH.)

Anyhoo, the lab scientists (led by Tom Cavanagh) become Barry's support staff, and presumedly, help him battle all sorts of classic DC villains like Gorilla Grodd (super-smart gorilla!), Reverse-Flash (like the Flash... except in reverse!), and Weather Wizard (changes the weather and is perpetually embarrassed by his stupid name!).

Though The Flash is a spinoff of the CW's other superhero show, Arrow, it sports a more lighthearted tone—which is a goddamn relief from all the gloom and doom of its CW sibling and Gotham. (Seriously, Ryan Atwood... you're not Marissa Cooper. Cheer the eff up. [Apologies for this week's second unnecessary O.C. reference!]). SO! What else is cooking in the gloopy stew pot of TV this week? THESE NEW SHOWS...

Stalker (CBS, Wed Oct 1, 10 pm). Poor Dylan McDermott. Actually, poor me, right? Dylan is probably a goddamn millionaire, while I'm still eating recalled pepperoni Hot Pockets. Anyway, Dylan is stuck leading this Criminal Minds knockoff about stalking stalkers. As in, he's not stalking... he's stalking the stalkers who are stalking the stalkees. Anyway, it's boring, excessively gross, and you should file a restraining order against it.

Gracepoint (Fox, Thurs Oct 2, 9 pm). Have you seen the totally excellent Brit crime series Broadchurch? If not, don't watch it! Especially if you dislike British people, because Gracepoint is an American remake of Broadchurch... except not quite as excellent, and without the annoying British accents. So you might like it even more!

Mulaney (Fox, Sun Oct 5, 9:30 pm). I adore huggable comedian John Mulaney (who you may have caught on stage or on SNL)—though early reports of his Seinfeld-esque sitcom Mulaney are baaaaaaad. Mulaney plays a comic who works for a jerky gameshow host, interacts with a bunch of wacky neighbors, and... does a stand-up bit at the top of the episode. Soooo... yipes? On the upside, it's cheerier than Ryan Atwood cleaning the vomit out of Marissa Cooper's hair, which is the last O.C. reference I'll make—at least until next week.

This Week on Television

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 1

10:00 FX THE BRIDGE

Season finale! Marco must decide whether to choose "good" or "evil." (Choose "good!")

10:00 CBS STALKER

Debut! Dylan McDermott stars as a stalker stalker. He's not a stalker. He's stalking stalkers!

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 2

8:00 CW THE VAMPIRE DIARIES

Season premiere! Elena kicks off her sophomore year at Whitmore College with a supernatural kegger!

9:00 NBC BAD JUDGE

Debut! Kate Walsh plays a bad judge in this bad sitcom. Case dismissed.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 3

10:00 MAX THE KNICK

Dr. Thackery picks a terrible time to stop shooting opium into his toes. EWWWWW!

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 4

8:00 PBS AUSTIN CITY LIMITS

Remember Beck? Beck's playing! (Somebody tell the 20-year-olds who Beck is.)

11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Hosted by Sarah Silverman. (Yayyyy!) Musical guest: Maroon 5. (Boooooooooooo.)

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 5

8:30 FOX BROOKLYN NINE-NINE

Jake investigates a crime at a chocolate-milk bar. BEST... CRIME... EVER!!

10:00 FX THE STRAIN

Season finale! Eph sets out to kill the Master—who finally visits a doctor about his groin strain.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 6

8:00 FOX GOTHAM

Tonight, a villain who kills people by hooking them up to weather balloons. Now that's an interesting concept.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 7

9:00 ABC AGENTS OF SHIELD

SHIELD needs snow cones; a mutant appears with freezing powers. Problem solved.

9:00 CW SUPERNATURAL

Season premiere! As it turns out, Dean enjoys being a demon! (Welcome to the dark side, Dean.)