Here's an ethical question: Let's say, for example, you spot a misplaced infant about to tumble into a cement mixer. (Look, now is not the time to question why someone would misplace an infant near a cement mixer, OKAY?!?) Would you (a) rush to warn the cement-mixer operator about the infant, or would you (b) laugh hysterically as the infant tumbled to a disgustingly cement-y death? For those who answered "a"—you are ethically correct! For those who answered "b"—I'll admit it's kind of funny... but you are ethically incorrect!
So to those who answered "b," why don't you go kill a puppy or something? The rest of this column is intended solely for those with a moral compass that isn't completely fawked. Okay. So you ethically correct people would warn a cement-mixer operator about a stupid baby—BUT YOU WOULDN'T WARN ABC TO CANCEL ANYTHING STARRING JIM BELUSHI??
In case you didn't realize, every time ABC shows an episode of According to Jim, something really horrible happens. Example: Immediately following last Tuesday's episode, officials from India knocked down the shanty home of one of those kids from Slumdog Millionaire. Did you read about that? It was horrible! One minute you're living in a shack made of rusty sheet metal, the next you're crying on a pile of twisted rubble, desperately asking passersby, "Where's my chicken?" AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT FOR NOT STOPPING JIM BELUSHI!
"But Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me!" I hear you cry. "According to Jim has just been canceled and will air its final episode this Tuesday at 8:30 p.m. on the ABC network! So now nothing bad will ever happen again!"
HORSE FEATHERS, A-HOLE!
Ever heard of syndication? Maybe you're too stupid to realize it, but According to Jim has been on for EIGHT seasons. EIGHT!! Let's think back for a moment, shall we, about alllllll the horrible things that have happened in the last eight years... like... ohhhh, I don't know... maybe 9-freaking-11?? And the war in Iraq? And a little thing we like to call the total collapse and meltdown of the global economy?? And that Slumdog kid losing his chicken??
Eight seasons. That's 182 episodes of unfunny, abject misery—misery that will surely continue thanks to According to Jim's syndication deal! And whose fault is it? Why... it's YOURS. YOU could've said something. YOU could've opened your eyes to the horror going on around you and said, "STOP IT, JIM BELUSHI. I will not stand idly by as the world hurtles toward war and infants tumble into cement mixers. I will do whatever it takes NOW to stop According to Jim—even if it means ignoring a child about to tumble into a cement mixer so I can write an angry letter to the ABC network!"
Unfortunately, you didn't do this—which means we must now resort to drastic measures. How drastic? We go back in time Terminator-style (which is to say buck naked) and steer those 9/11 planes right into Jim Belushi's mansion. The chickens and cement mixers of the world are depending on us.