Jeremy Eaton

On May 29, 1953, Sir Edmund Hillary climbed to the top of Mount Everest. Umm... hello? NOT IMPRESSED. On July 21, 1969, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin became the first humans to walk on the moon. Umm... hello? NOT IMPRESSED. On December 25, 1990, Tim Berners-Lee successfully created the internet (and eventually an even great discovery, internet porn). Umm... hello? NOT IMPRESSED.

As you can see, I am a person who is easily not impressed. Why? Because I watch television all the time, duh. People on TV are always doing amazing things. Just recently I watched a repeat of Keeping up with the Kardashians in which Kim K actually said, "I have this, like, sixth sense where I can smell if someone has a cavity." Now THAT'S amazing! They do amazing things every single week on The Walking Dead. For example, last season, the survivors were trying to escape in a car, and peeled out on a squashed zombie's head. Totes amazing! And then, only a couple of weeks ago, a hipster is seen eating another human's leg! WHAAAAAT?? Hahahahahaaaaa! Hipsters are the worst!

Anyway, this is all to say a television event is going down this week that's potentially amazing... though I doubt it! On Sunday, November 2, at 7 pm on Discovery Channel, daredevil Nik Wallenda (of the famous Flying Wallendas acrobatic family) will be attempting to walk on a tightrope between two 65-story towers in Chicago, and... wait for it... he's gonna do it blindfolded. What do you think of that?!? On three everybody... one... two... three...

Umm... hello? NOT IMPRESSED.

It should be noted that last year Wallenda tightrope-walked across the Grand Canyon (Umm... hello? NOT IMPRESSED) and a year before that he was the first human to cross Niagara Falls on a wire (Oh... hello! Still NOT IMPRESSED).

Just like Evel Knievel, Harry Houdini, and Alain Robert (AKA "the French Spider-Man"... a name that makes me want to murder the earth), Wallenda is just one of those "Look at me! Look at me!" people who are only happy when they do something amazing, and a lot of people are standing around watching it. Conversely... look at me! I do amazing, incredible, mind-bogglingly bitchin' things every single day of my goddamn life—and yet? I... AM... IGNORED. For example:

• I put M&Ms on my salads. Know anybody else that does that? I DIDN'T THINK SO. Gaze upon me in awe, puny humans!

• I've easily found my way out of every corn maze I've ever walked into.

• I've spent my life ignoring the metric system—and yet have not suffered in the least.

• I've spent the last two months actively ignoring #gamergate—and yet have not suffered in the least.

• I've watched Patrick Swayze's Road House... 37 times.

• I know all the words to five Taylor Swift songs.

• I've had sex with more people than the number of times you've gotten irrationally furious at an airline agent.

And • I've stared my ex-wife right in the eye after she gave birth to one of those kids I have scattered across the country, and said, "Umm... hello? NOT IMPRESSED."

(And I'm still alive. Which, you have to admit, is pretty impressive.)

This Week on Television

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 29

8:00 CW ARROW

The League of Assassins begins to realize their name may be giving them public perception problems.

10:00 FX AMERICAN HORROR STORY: FREAK SHOW

Jimmy and Maggie try to give some constructive criticism to Twisty the Clown.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 30

8:00 ABC IT'S THE GREAT PUMPKIN, CHARLIE BROWN

Linus discovers a body buried in the pumpkin patch, and all eyes turn to Pig-Pen as the culprit.

9:30 CBS THE McCARTHYS

Debut! A new sitcom about a sports-crazy Boston family your dead grandparents probably would've loved.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 31

9:00 NBC GRIMM

Nick wonders whether he actually wants his Grimm powers back. (WHAT IS HE??? AN IDIOT???)

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 1

11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Musical guest: the multi-named Prince! Host: Chris Rock (who sadly has only two names).

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 2

7:00 DSC SKYSCRAPER LIVE WITH NIK WALLENDA

The tightrope walker attempts his greatest trick yet. (NOT IMPRESSED!)

9:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD

Rick and the gang run into another group of survivors, who hopefully won't eat their legs.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 3

8:00 FOX GOTHAM

Gordon starts to suspect that maaaaybe he should have killed Penguin after all!

9:00 FOX SLEEPY HOLLOW

Ichabod and Abbie rush to save Katrina (the person, not the hurricane).

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 4

8:00 FOX MASTERCHEF: JUNIOR

Season premiere! Another opportunity for Chef Ramsay to call crying kids "fucking donkeys."

9:00 ABC MARVEL: 75 YEARS

A special documenting the rise of Marvel Comics (and, of course, "the nerd").