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Vampire Boyfriend

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Fine, I'll admit it! When I saw the movie trailer for Twilight: New Moon, my testicles shot up into my chest, and I squealed like a hormonal tween after seeing a Jonas Brother nipple. Agreed, the Twilight series of books (and feature film) is horrifyingly sub par—and yet? It gives me anus tingles. I can't help myself!

As you have already heard from that nerdy Mormon kid down the block, Twilight is about a drippy high school girl who falls in love with a dreamy vampire. And as you know, I am hopelessly smitten by teen romantic dramas (like The O.C., Smallville, Gossip Girl, etc.)—but when you throw a freaking VAMPIRE into the mix? Ka-BOINNNG! I feel like I'm in one of those Sailor Moon cartoons, where I helicopter into the sky and spark- ly confetti squirts out of my eyes.

HOWEVER! I must admit I'm getting a leeeeetle bit sick of the way novelists, screenwriters, and TV show creators keep screwing around with the vampire "mythos." Rules are rules, people! And when you start messing around with the way monsters have behaved for centuries, it becomes a very slippery slope—and before you know it? Mummies won't be "shambling" anymore... they'll be sprinting!

Example: True Blood (which begins its second season this Sunday at 9 pm on HBO) features "reformed" vampires living among humans in a small Louisiana town, subsisting on a synthetic blood substitute named "Tru Blood." (Coincidentally, I subsist on a synthetic water substitute named "Colt 45 Malt Liquor.") And while some of these vamps aren't as reformed as they'd like us to believe (i.e., sucking the blood of virgins and babies), this show features one of the most annoying violations of the monster code: "the vampire boyfriend."

I mean, WHAT THE EFF?? Dracula was never anybody's "boyfriend," and Nosferatu was too damn ugly for even Paris Hilton to date. To the best of my recollection, this "vampire boyfriend" nonsense started with Buffy the Vampire Slayer who romantically boned not one vampire, but TWO (Angel and the admittedly sexy Spike). C'MON, PEOPLE! Vampires aren't sensitive! Vampires don't fall in love! They hypnotize the shit out of you, and suck you drier than that empty bottle of Colt 45 lying at my feet!

And don't even get me started on this Twilight bullpoop! Too late—I've already started! So this book/flick is all about this super hot/mopey vampire dude named Edward Cullen who falls in love with a socially retarded/hot high school chick, right? But get this! Not only does he break the "no vampire boyfriend" clause, but he's also immune to garlic, has a reflection(!), and can WALK AROUND IN SUNLIGHT. Whoopty-whoop playa, whaaaaaa???

But wait! It gets even more friggin' ridiculous! Instead of the sunlight making his flesh melt off his body and maggots crawl out of his eyeholes (like normal vampires), it actually makes Edward's skin "sparkle like diamonds." OH, PUH-LEEEZE!

That being said, I absolutely adore Edward Cullen, and I would like very much for him to be my vampire boyfriend. Look, mom! I don't care if he breaks a couple rules! I LOVE HIM!! (Besides, he makes my anus tingle. Sniff.)

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