Jeremy Eaton

OH, YOU AND YOUR BITCHIN'! Will it ever stop? [Editor's Note: For those who'd like to avoid another of Wm.™ Steven Humphrey's borderline nonsensical "in MY day" rants, please skip the next two paragraphs.] In MY day, whining, griping, and bellyachin' was FROWNED UPON. But trust me! We had plenty—PUHHH-LENTY—of things to complain about! (Including, but not limited to: polio, smallpox, rickets, blind staggers, Adolf Hitler, "female complaints," poisoned whiskey, fever sores, scald head, goiter, and limited access to porn.) We just stayed quiet about it! We didn't have your fancy "inter-net," your frilly "Twitter machine," and your complicated "Facebook maker"! We had our MOUTHS. And for the most part... we wisely kept them shut!

Why? Because in MY day, we valued our teeth! We didn't live in a protective bubble, like you cowardly internet commenters. If WE yelled "EPIC FAIL!" at a person who just got kicked in the face by a donkey, that person would probably knock our teeth out! AND THEN MURDER THE DONKEY! (That's just the way things were back then.)

And with that, I'd like to address the topic of "shy bladder syndrome."

Last week, DirecTV came under fire from the International Paruresis Association (I had to check the spelling of that five times), because of an ad starring Rob Lowe in which he compares cable subscribers to people who can't pee in public. (Don't ask... it's not important.) Anyway, this commercial INFURIATED members of the Pariahsis... Paralysis... Pleurosis... that organization I just mentioned, which curtly complained that "shy bladder syndrome" is a real thing (seven percent of Americans reportedly suffer from it), and therefore should NOT be mocked!

Okay, point taken... and? Shut up about your shy bladder! OF COURSE everyone mocks shy bladders because of the words, "shy" and "bladder"! And to ask people NOT to laugh about shy bladders is like asking people not to laugh at a dog running down the street with a ham in its mouth; BOTH ARE UNIVERSALLY, OBJECTIVELY, AND UNFUCKWITHABLY HILARIOUS. Period. Full stop. Comments closed.

Oh! And here's another complaint I want to complain about! A couple of weeks ago, ABC aired the Halloween children's classic It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown—which was immediately followed by an episode of Scandal that featured a verrrry steamy (and not-very-appropriate for kids) sex scene. Again... HILARIOUS! And yet, the puritanical Parents Television Council (who complain about everything) lost their freaking minds and squealed, "Shame on ABC for putting a peep show next to a playground!"

Okay, I hear where you're coming from... and? Shut up about Charlie Brown having sex with Olivia Pope! Why? Because (a) my fan-fiction is COPYRIGHTED, okay?? And (b) if given the choice between my kids watching Linus worship a fake flying pumpkin or Olivia Pope bang the president of the United States, I CHOOSE THE LATTER! Because I want my children to aspire to GREATNESS—not be some bladder-shy dork in a pumpkin patch who complains one too many times about the true meaning of Halloween, and for his trouble, gets the teeth kicked out of his mouth by a donkey! You see, in MY day... [Editor's note: Thanks for your input—goodbye.]

This Week on Television

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 12

8:00 CW ARROW

Oliver helps out boxer Ted Grant—who nerds like me know is WILDCAT!

10:00 FX AMERICAN HORROR STORY

Stanley pressures Maggie to murder Jimmy—which will probably be the nicest thing to happen in this episode.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 13

9:00 ABC SCANDAL

Fitz and Jake won't stop arguing over who gets to exclusively bone Olivia.

Midnight TOON NEWSREADERS

Sadee reports from the "alien capital of the world," Roswell!

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 14

Anytime NETFLIX CHELSEA PERETTI: ONE OF THE GREATS

Very funny person Chelsea Peretti (Brooklyn Nine-Nine) debuts her latest stand-up routine on Netflix.

9:00 NBC GRIMM

Nick investigates a case of "clay-induced asphyxiation." (Still not as bad as "shy bladder syndrome.")

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 15

8:00 LIF AALIYAH: THE PRINCESS OF R&B—Movie

(2014) Lifetime's despicable grave robbing continues with this sure-to-be terrible biopic about Aaliyah.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 16

9:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD

The gang returns to Atlanta to rescue Beth from the worst hospital ever!

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 17

8:00 FOX GOTHAM

Gordon meets Assistant District Attorney Harvey Dent—the future Two-Face.

10:00 NBC STATE OF AFFAIRS

Debut! The universally despised Katherine Heigl returns to TV as a hot-poop CIA analyst/terrorism buster!

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 18

8:00 CW THE FLASH

The Flash faces a new super villain called... "Tony!" They need to work on their bad guy names.

9:00 ABC AGENTS OF SHIELD

Ward kidnaps his brother—just so he can guilt trip him. (Isn't that what Thanksgiving's for?)