As you undoubtedly know, I maintain very strict Thanksgiving traditions, and they are as follows: Sleep until 2 pm. Drain the remaining liquor bottles in my cabinet and howl, "Closing liquor stores for Thanksgiving is NOT what our forefathers intended!!" Go back to sleep. Awaken, and invite myself to a Thanksgiving dinner I was clearly not invited to. Drain their remaining liquor bottles. Stumble home and watch the greatest motion picture ever produced, Annie.
DEAR GOD I LOVE ANNIE!
Made in 1982, Annie—starring the bewitching Aileen Quinn as Annie, and the brilliant Albert Finney as Daddy Warbucks—is CLEARLY the pinnacle of western civilization. And yet? Many mouth-breathing dolts continue to spend their Thanksgivings watching football—the sport of ignorant, drooling ninny-hammers.
HOWEVER! I realize not everyone shares my unbridled love of Annie—though you should—which is why I've come up with a perfect Thanksgiving menu of movies and shows currently showing on Netflix that has nothing to do with football or Annie. TO WIT...
Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (season one): Yes, yes, many hopes were raised and then summarily dashed after this show debuted... but! While they may have taken their sweet time getting there, S.H.I.E.L.D. kicked some serious ass by the end of their first season. So go on—give S.H.I.E.L.D. a second chance... just like the one Daddy Warbucks gave to that adorable moppet Annie!
Nebraska (2013): If you missed this funny, bittersweet flick the first time around, now's your chance to make good. Director Alexander Payne (Sideways, The Descendants) is in top form with this story about a cantankerous old coot (Bruce Dern) who's convinced he's won the sweepstakes and cons his annoyed son (the terrific Will Forte) into driving him to Nebraska to claim his prize. It is a LOT like Annie... except without the songs, and nobody gets rich. Oh, and it's also in black and white. (So maybe not so much like Annie.)
Gilmore Girls (complete series): If you STILL haven't binge watched this completely beguiling WB series from the early 2000s, I don't even know what to do with you! However, Thanksgiving is the perfect day to spend watching single mom Lorelai Gilmore (Lauren Graham) raise her dewy-eyed sweetheart of a daughter Rory (Alexis Bledel) in the quirkiest New England town ever, Stars Hollow. Now this show is exactly like Annie... errrr... okay, fine, without the songs. Though Lorelai's parents are rich! They don't give her any money though. (But as Annie reminds us, "It's a hard-knock life!" Heh.)
Snowpiercer (2013): This movie is nothing like Annie. Wait... it is EXACTLY like Annie! In a frozen apocalyptic future, the surviving humans circle the globe in a speeding train, but are sectioned off according to a rigid class structure. Sick of all the bullplop they have to put up with, the poor people plan a revolution to take over the front of the train! (See? Just like those poor kids did in Miss Hannigan's orphanage! JUST LIKE ANNIE!!)
Annie (1982): What the... Annie's on Netflix, too?? Forget those other stupid suggestions, and make Thanksgiving day, ANNIE DAY! (And like all other days, "the sun will come out tomorrow!" Heh.)
This Week on Television
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 19
9:00 ABC MODERN FAMILY
Phil insists on cooking the Thanksgiving dinner... while Claire secretly prepares a "shadow" turkey.
10:00 ABC NASHVILLE
Rayna and the gang head to the CMA Awards ceremony. (Don't forget to bring your backstage DRAMA!)
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 20
9:00 ABC SCANDAL
Olivia tries to outwit Command, and quickly discovers "no one outwits Command!" (Insert evil cackle here.)
9:00 CW REIGN
The Vatican inquisitors come to town—and they're even worse than today's Vatican!
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 21
9:00 NBC GRIMM
The suspect in a deadly crime tries to convince Nick that a "talking wolf" made her do it. HAH! RIGHT.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 22
8:00 LIF AN EN VOGUE CHRISTMAS—Movie
(2014) The actual En Vogue is convinced to un-retire and perform a holiday concert. Whaaaaaaa? Yessssss!
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Host: Cameron Diaz (booooooo). Musical guest: Bruno Mars (yaaaaaaaaay)!
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 23
8:00 ABC AMERICAN MUSIC AWARDS
This will help you decide if you want to watch this or not: Taylor Swift will be there.
9:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD
Rick and his zombie-squashing rangers fight their way out of Atlanta... again!
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 24
8:00 FOX GOTHAM
Gordon is reassigned to work at Arkham Asylum. (Which is one step down from being a jizz mopper at a porn store.)
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 25
8:00 CW THE FLASH
Flash battles the evil Clock King! (And his evil minion, Snooze Button!)
9:00 ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS
Season finale! I have not been watching this AT ALL. Did Carlton win?