Hello! Welcome once again to I Love Television™ and the SECOND in a continuing series entitled "Your Occult Boyfriend and You." Last week, we covered the subject of "vampire boyfriends" and how the entire concept is largely bullshit. To quickly reiterate, vampires have no goddamn business being anyone's boyfriend (especially to mopey/sexy high-school girls like the one in Twilight). Vampires have one job, and one job only: hypnotize you, suck the freaking blood out of your neck, and fly away after turning into a rabies-infested bat. THE END. All this nonsense about "falling in love" and "not sucking your blood as a metaphor for sexual abstinence" is a pantsload of baloney and should not be tolerated by any true member of the Vampire Union, Local 347.
That being said, I desperately want a vampire boyfriend, and barring that, a wizard boyfriend would suffice in the interim. According to my limited research, wizard boyfriends reside in the upper echelon of occult gentlemen callers. As opposed to the Frankenstein-monster boyfriends (who tend toward clumsiness and being afraid of fire), wizard boyfriends have magical powers that can be used to procure me tons of presents. A new motorcycle? POOF! My wizard boyfriend can do that. A larger penis and new jeans that can comfortably accommodate my larger penis? POOF! My wizard boyfriend can do that, too.
The obvious downsides of wizard boyfriends are their abysmal fashion sense (a star-covered muumuu and a pointy hat? PUH-LEEZE!) and the age difference, which can be up to 3,000 years. Therefore, the secret to finding the perfect wizard boyfriend is to snag 'em when they're young—like, right out of Hogwarts. That's when you can withhold large-penis privileges if they choose to wear a starry muumuu.
Personally, I'm not interested in courting Harry Potter, his fat friend Ron Weasley, or any of those snotty overprivileged Hogwarts brats. That's because I've decided to kick it old-school with the OG Mr. Wizard himself, MERLIN! "Whoa, whoa! Hold up there, Wm.™ Steven Humpy," I hear you cry. "Merlin is old and ugly, and he has a freaky beard just like that guy who's currently digging for cans in my apartment building's garbage!" Au contraire, mon derrie-aire! You're thinking of GERIATRIC Merlin, and I'm talking about the young, virile, and HOT Merlin who's starring in this week's debut of the new NBC show Merlin (Sun June 21, NBC, 8 pm).
In this update of the legendary story, a teenage Merlin comes to Camelot, immediately pisses off reigning King Pendragon (played by Anthony Head/Giles from Buffy the Vampire Slayer! EEEEEE!), makes friends with an equally hot but douchebaggy Prince Arthur, and refines his magical, penis-enlarging powers. It's kind of like The O.C. except with sword fighting, British accents, and tunics. HOWEVER! There are absolutely no boner-killing muumuus or hobo beards.
In conclusion! While wizard boyfriends certainly have their drawbacks (including the desire to attend those nerdtarded "Renaissance faires"), at least they don't mope around like vampire boyfriends or grunt a lot like those clumsy, monosyllabic Frankenstein-monster boyfriends. So there's that. NEXT WEEK: werewolf boyfriends. Can they be coerced into getting a bikini wax?