Do I look rich to you? Do I look like the kind of peehole Richie Rich Lamborghini-driving jag-off who can afford to buy all of my readers presents? NO, I DO NOT. That's why, this gift-giving season, I'm taking "The Little Drummer Boy" approach—which, if you're unfamiliar, is the story of a little kid who didn't have any frankincense or myrrh to give Baby Jesus, so instead he banged all night on a drum. (Which, if it happened today, would be a good reason to call Child Protective Services.) ANYWAY! The Little Drummer Boy approach simply means giving someone something that has absolutely no value at all, and is, in fact, sort of annoying—but because of the "spirit of the season" you not only have to accept this non-gift, but you also have to act super grateful for it. HAHAHAHAAAAA! WOTTA RACKET, AMIRITE??
That being said, here's my gift to you—which is only slightly less annoying than an idiot kid banging on a drum. It's your "TV viewing list for the holidays," and no, I'm not gonna wrap it... except maybe in sarcasm, HAHAHAHAAAAA! AMIRITE??
Anyway, watch these things this week, and you're welcome.
• Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol (CW, Fri Dec 19, 8 pm). Oh, sure... you could watch any of the live-action remakes of Charles Dickens' classic book about Ebenezer Scrooge and the ghosts who guilt-trip him into not being such a colossal dick—but not only is the 1962 animated version (inexplicably starring Mr. Magoo) just as powerful and scary, but it also has musical numbers, it has jokes, and it's considerably SHORTER. Remember, you ain't got time for no Dickens.
• Black Mirror (Netflix, all the damn time). You've probably already had seven to you should believe them! This British sci-fi anthology series (which is like The Twilight Zone for techno-paranoids) tells new stories every episode about the awesomeness and terror of modern-day technology—and I'd tell you more, but it would just take away from the beauty and horror of what you're gonna witness. Just watch it and thank me—and those other seven to nine people.
• Conan to Go (TBS, Thurs Dec 18, 10 pm). While the up 'n' down ratings battle between late-night kings Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel may make headlines, don't forget the tried and true Conan O'Brien—whose outside-the-studio remote sketches make those other two look like a couple of tubby junior varsity benchwarmers. This special features the best (and laugh-out-loud FUNNIEST) of his remotes—so go ahead and shine up that crown, Conan... and put it on your pointy head.
• The Wolf of Wall Street (Netflix, all the damn time). While some people claimed that Scorsese's gorgeously filthy 2013 film about a real-life inscrutable Wall Street trader actually glorified asshole behavior, I would like to counter with this: Rewatch the scene where Leo DiCaprio overdoses on Quaaludes and flops around on the floor like a gut-shot seal. I rest my case! (By the way, if you're thinking about getting ME something for Christmas? An overdose of Quaaludes isn't a terrible place to start.)
This Week on Television
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 17
8:00 NBC MICHAEL BUBLÉ'S CHRISTMAS IN NEW YORK
A dry piece of white toast sings all your holiday favorites.
8:00 FOX HELL'S KITCHEN
Season finale! A winner is chosen and sent to Hell (which is to say, given a cooking job at Caesars Palace).
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 18
8:00 CW THE IHEARTRADIO JINGLE BALL
The NYC concert featuring Taylor Swift, Ariana Grande, Pharrell Williams, and Maroon (UGHHH!) 5.
10:00 TBS CONAN TO GO
Featuring Conan's best remotes—hopefully including the hilarious Jordan Schlansky!
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 19
8:00 CW MR. MAGOO'S CHRISTMAS CAROL
The best Dickens adaptation ever, and YES—I will fight you about it!
11:00 IFC COMEDY BANG! BANG!
A special holiday-themed episode featuring the Lonely Island!
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 20
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Host: Amy Adams. (SQUEEEE!) Musical guests: One Direction. (SQUEEEE!)
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 21
1:30 FAM NESTOR, THE LONG-EARED CHRISTMAS DONKEY
Well... it's not Dickens, I can tell you that much.
9:00 SHO HOMELAND
Season finale! A security breach in the embassy leads to lots of awkward awkwardness.
MONDAY, DECEMBER 22
10:30 FX ANGER MANAGEMENT
Series finale! Now that this show is finally over, can we all just agree that Charlie Sheen never gets to work again?
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 23
7:00 FAM HOME ALONE—Movie
(1990) Two burglars are endlessly tortured by sadist-in-training Macaulay Culkin.
8:00 NBC ONE DIRECTION: THE TV SPECIAL
I may have mentioned this earlier... but SQUEEEEEEE!!!