Jeremy Eaton

It's an annual tradition: I look back at all the columns I wrote during the past year, and marvel at the insanely stupid things I said. Then I collect those insipid, drippingly terrible sentences, and reprint the dumbest of them here in hopes I will someday learn my lesson and just shut the hell up. Again... DIDN'T WORK.

And now... "The Year in Stupid Things I Really Wish I Hadn't Said (Presented Completely out of Context)." Enjoy! (?)

Sherlock stars Benedict Cumberbund... Cinderstun... Cumquatsnatch... NOBODY CAN SPELL YOUR NAME, IDIOT.

• I only require one thing from "science": the ability to pluck the eyeballs out of my head, roll them in cocaine, and stick them back in again. WHY IS THIS SO HARD TO ACCOMPLISH? 

• My generation invented the following: spandex bike shorts. Kid 'n Play. Muppet Babies. Lisa Frank. Garbage Pail Kids. The Top Gun volleyball scene. Atari. Labyrinth. Jerry Springer. British Knights. MC Hammer Sideloader backpacks. Scratch 'n' sniff stickers. Hamilton Beach popcorn poppers. The word "Psych!" Teddy Ruxpin. Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Boyz II Men. Happy Meals. Justin Timberlake and Ryan Gosling... on The Mickey Mouse Club! Laser pointers. VHS copies of The Lion King. Hmm... and what else? OH! And just a little thing called "THE INTERNET." (Ever heard of it?)

• Take Hot Pockets. They are delicious, and yet? You know there are human remains in there. Not a lot! Just enough to make the experience somewhat terrible.

• BEST... IDEA... EVER: Star Trek: The Next Generation Babies. You know... like Muppet Babies! Baby Worf! Baby Riker! Baby Deanna Troi! Baby Cap'n Picard! (Who's bald, so he won't look very different.)

• A commercial for my marriage counseling service: It opens with a bickering couple in their living room. She's screaming, "You don't take out the garbage, husband!" He's yelling, "You don't administer handjobs, wife!" BOOM! I burst through the wall, as bricks and dust rain down from the ceiling. "Hey!" I shout. "Sounds like you need the marriage and relationship counseling services of... [suck zoom close-up of my face] Wm.™ Steven Humphrey!" The camera pulls back to reveal the bickering couple dead on the floor—victims of falling bricks. Zoom back to my face: "DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU! Enlist the services of Wm.™ Steven Humphrey, marriage and relationship counselor... before it's too late!" Cut to my number, address, and legal disclaimer that I'm unfit to practice any form of counseling.

Nobody... and I mean freaking NOBODY denies me a bouncy house! I'm an entitled US citizen, mothereffers! If a mentally damaged hayseed can buy a gun that his mentally damaged kids use to accidentally kill their mentally damaged siblings, then I should be able to get a bouncy house ON DEMAND.

• In MY day, we valued our teeth! We didn't live in a protective bubble, like you cowardly internet commenters. If WE yelled "EPIC FAIL!" at a person who just got kicked in the face by a donkey, that person would probably knock our teeth out! AND THEN MURDER THE DONKEY! (That's just the way things were back then.)

• I know all the words to five Taylor Swift songs.

This Week on Television

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 24

8:00 TBS A CHRISTMAS STORY MARATHON

The greatest Christmas movie featuring a kid shooting his eye out—on repeat for 24 hours.

8:00 NBC IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE—Movie

(1946) "Every time a man hallucinates on Zuzu petals, an angel gets his wings."

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 25

9:00 am ABC DISNEY CHRISTMAS PARADE

Featuring Mickey as Joseph, Minnie as Mary, and Goofy as Baby Jesus, which isn't blasphemous at all.

8:00 ABC HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS

The terrific original animated version... immediately followed by the horrific Jim Carrey live-action version.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 26

9:00 PBS AMERICAN MASTERS

Documenting the story of singer, actor, and possible child abuser Bing Crosby.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 27

9:00 SYFY ROBOCROC—Movie

(2013) A rocket carrying "nanorobots" crashes, and... do I really need to finish this?

11:00 FOX AXE COP

Four back-to-back episodes of the animated "cop-carrying-an-axe" comedy, voiced by Nick Offerman.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 28

All Day Netflix COMEDY BANG! BANG! SEASON THREE

Every episode from the hilarious season three of the funniest, fakiest talk show ever.

9:00 LIF NANNY CAM—Movie

(2014) The new babysitter is young, gorgeous, and awesome. OR IS SHE?? Better bring in... NANNY CAM!

MONDAY, DECEMBER 29

8:00 ABC HAPPY NEW YEAR, CHARLIE BROWN

Even more depressing than A Charlie Brown Christmas! You've really topped yourself this time, Charlie Brown!

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 30

8:00 FOX NEW GIRL

Jess tries a Tinder-like app named "Dice," and immediately rolls snake eyes.

9:30 FOX THE MINDY PROJECT

The famous anal sex episode, appropriately titled, "I Slipped."