Jeremy Eaton

Regular readers of I Love Tele-vision™ know about my continuing series entitled "Your Occult Boyfriend and You," in which I list the pros and cons of boyfriends who happen to be vampires, werewolves, or shambling mummies. Well, now I'm officially bored with this series, and have decided to change it to something wildly different, entitled "Your Scientific Boyfriend and You." In this new and highly thought-provoking series, I will explore the latest boyfriend technology, and prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that your current boyfriend sucks ass compared to one that is more "science-y."

EXAMPLE! Everyone knows that the boyfriend you imagine in your mind is way, WAY, WAYYYYY more satisfying than the schlump currently sitting on your couch wiping stained Doritos fingers on his Coors T-shirt with one hand, while mercilessly digging at his testicles with the other. That's why you should dump this dude-tarded tub of guts, and start investing in the future with a "virtual reality" boyfriend!

See, I got the idea from a sci-fi movie/pilot debuting this week called Virtuality (Fox, Fri June 26, 8 pm). Created by Battlestar Galactica guru Ronald D. Moore, Virtuality tells the story of space travelers on a 10-year journey through the cosmos, searching for intelligent life. (HAH! Good one.) In order to keep the crew from going bat-poop crazy, they bring their fantasies to life with a very realistic virtual reality system (which in the movie goes haywire, putting them all in mortal danger—but let's ignore that for the moment, since it effectively cock blocks my central thesis).

So here's my question: Where the fawk are our virtual reality systems?? And don't lie and tell me we already have them, because I just checked the latest issue of Sky Mall, and they're nowhere to be seen! This is why I'm encouraging America's greatest scientists/inventors to watch the shit out of this movie, because we need to get some virtual reality machines up in this mess, and stat!

Anyway, let's move on to the pros and cons of having a virtual reality boyfriend, as previously promised:

CONS: There are none. DUH!

I mean, C'MON! Refer back to paragraph two if you need a reminder of how dire your situation is. (UGH!! He just dug some wax out of his ear and smelled it!!) Granted, your "virtual reality boyfriend" isn't "real" in the strictest sense of the word, but—OMG! He just wiped a booger on the underside of the couch arm!!

As for the PROS: Where the freak do I begin?

"Virtual reality boyfriend" loves shopping for shoes. "Virtual reality boyfriend" never needs to be reminded to wash a dish. "Virtual reality boyfriend" has the body of Arnold with a Denzel face (thanks to Salt-n-Pepa for that reference). And "virtual reality boyfriend" is hung like the title character of HBO's new series Hung (Sun June 28, 10 pm—which has absolutely NOTHING to do with former American Idol contestant William Hung).

Hear that, scientists? Forget curing cancer and forget global warming, because "virtual reality boyfriends" just jumped to the top of your priority... EEK! Your boyfriend just ate a three-week-old moldy bologna sandwich!