Jeremy Eaton

Three cheers for North Korea, guys! You know, I used to think they were just a bunch of backward weirdoes who had no interest in anything other than wearing red stars on their caps and shooting rockets impotently into the ocean. Little did I know they're actually PUBLIC RELATIONS GENIUSES.

As you recall, North Korea pitched a huge tantrum over that Seth Rogen/James Franco movie The Interview—just because it was a comedy about assassinating their leader, Kim Jong-un! LIGHTEN UP, PEOPLE! If the Islamic State made a movie about killing President Obama, do you think we'd get our panties in a bunch? [That's a rhetorical question you absolutely should not answer.]

Anyway, long story short, North Korea got butt-hurt and ALLEGEDLY hacked into the movie studio's emails. (Or more likely, they paid someone who knows about computers to do it—probably an American. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!) The studio panicked, initially refusing to release The Interview—until the entirety of the internet made fun of these chickenshits by squawking, "BAWK! BAWK! BUH-KAAAAWWW!" and flapping their imaginary wings. Apparently the only thing worse than getting blown up while watching a Seth Rogen film is someone screaming "BAWK! BAWK! BUH-KAAAAWWW!" in your face—so they released The Interview online, and (surprise!) made a crap-ton of money.

So! What did we learn from this? That North Korea isn't crazy at all—they're actually the GREATEST PUBLICITY FIRM IN THE WORLD.

It should be obvious by now that, for the last 70 years or so, countries have been paying North Korea to act absolutely batshit crazy, so America and others could appear sane by comparison. And now? Corporations are getting in on the act, too! It wouldn't surprise me at all if Sony paid North Korea just to stand there and look nuts in order to sell the American public on a movie that, frankly, has Seth Rogen in it. (I like Seth Rogen as a person, but did any of you see The Green Hornet? EEEEEESSHHH!)

That's why I've decided to fire my current agent—sorry you had to find out this way, Mr. Feldberg—and hire North Korea to handle all my publicity from here on out! I'll begin by saying something incendiary about their country... oh, pick just about any sentence from this column... then sit back and let them do the rest!

I figure they'll start the saber-rattling by firing off a few dud rockets into the ocean, and then follow it up by paying some kid from the DeVry Institute to hack into and release all my emails. (There's a particularly juicy correspondence between the former Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Humphrey #3 and myself, which is simultaneously erotic and infuriating. Don't miss that one!) And to finish, North Korea will probably release a statement not unlike the following: "Citizens of the world! That imperialist dog Wm.™ Steven Humphrey has insulted us for the last time! Unless everyone immediately stops reading his admittedly hilarious column and unfollows him on Twitter (@WmSteveHumphrey), we will unleash a devastating nuclear strike on every adorable kitten in the world!! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!"

Again, that's @WmSteveHumphrey.

This Week on Television

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 7

8:30 ABC THE GOLDBERGS

Adam and Barry find Erica's New Kids on the Block collection—which is crap compared to mine!

9:00 FOX EMPIRE

Debut! A hiphop version of King Lear, in which a dying music mogul must choose a successor.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 8

8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL

Season premiere! [Insert heavy sigh of resignation here.]

10:00 FX ARCHER

Season premiere! [Insert ear-piercing squeal of joy here!]

FRIDAY, JANUARY 9

8:00 IFC COMEDY BANG! BANG!

Season premiere! Scott Aukerman and Reggie Watts return with the most hilarious talk show on TV. (Special guest: Ty Burrell!)

SATURDAY, JANUARY 10

9:00 TLC SEX SENT ME TO THE ER

A couple get stuck in an airplane toilet while having sex. (Oh, if I had a nickel....)

SUNDAY, JANUARY 11

5:00 NBC THE GOLDEN GLOBES

Is this the award ceremony where we let North Korea decide?

9:00 HBO GIRLS

Season premiere! Hannah attends the Iowa Writers' Workshop. (Five bucks says she'll be back by episode three!)

9:30 HBO TOGETHERNESS

Debut! The Duplass brothers created this comedy series about a struggling couple and their new housemates.

MONDAY, JANUARY 12

8:00 ABC THE BACHELOR

A douchebag attempts to meet the douchebaguette of his dreams.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 13

8:00 NBC PARKS & RECREATION

Season premiere! The final season opens where it left off last year... in the future!

10:30 COM KROLL SHOW

Season premiere! It's the final season of this fantastic show, too! LIFE IS DUMB AND STUPID.