UNNGGHHH! Why am I always the person people come to when they need a reason to live? It's like this every January: The sun refuses to rise, the national serotonin average drops dangerously low, and everybody's banging at my door asking for ONE GOOD REASON why they shouldn't just throw themselves under a bus. Well, for one thing, no one's driving the bus! Because the bus drivers are too goddamn sad! UNNGGHHH! TURN THAT FROWN UPSIDE-DOWN, GRUMPY GUS—you're depressing the crap out of meeeeeeee!!
Okay, fine! If it'll make you shut your stupid, sad mouth, here are some quick tips that will instantly help snap you out of the winter doldrums. (1) Masturbate more. From what I understand, tears make an exceptional lubricant. (2) Eat a goddamn banana. I don't know the science behind it... apparently bananas contain natural mood enhancers, which is probably why monkeys dress in red jumpers and race around on roller skates. And (3) how many times do I have to say this? WATCH MORE TV. Nothing cheers me up quicker than watching a really good show, or derisively mocking a terrible one. And lucky you, there are a bunch of terrific shows that are either returning or debuting this week! Such as...
• Broad City (Comedy Central, Wed Jan 14, 10:30 pm). If you didn't catch the first season of this heeee-larious NYC-based comedy starring Abbi Jacobson and Ilana Glazer, you may commence kicking yourself. But don't worry! Even if you missed it, season two will feature just as much bong huffing, twerking, Hannibal Buress (yay!), and screaming at defenseless kittens.
• Man Seeking Woman (FXX, Wed Jan 14, 10:30 pm). Jay Baruchel stars as lonely loser Josh, whose attempts to land a girlfriend veer into the surreal. Josh's ex-girlfriend dumps him for Adolf Hitler (yes, the real Adolf Hitler), his blind date looks like Yoda's uglier brother, and his mom coerces information about his love life by electrifying his genitals. You know... THE YOUZSH.
• 12 Monkeys (Syfy, Fri Jan 16, 9 pm). Though loosely based on the 1995 Terry Gilliam film where Bruce Willis is nude and drools a lot, this 12 Monkeys reboot makes some drastic changes in the plot. But the basics (time travel, drool) remain.
• The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore (Comedy Central, Mon Jan 19, 11:30 pm). For those still mourning the untimely death of The Colbert Report, its replacement is gonna be just as awesome. Comedian Larry Wilmore's sharp, biting take on race relations for The Daily Show has been one of the show's highlights for years, and now his brilliant, hilarious commentary will take center stage—and for America, the timing couldn't be more perfect.
• Justified (FX, Tues Jan 20, 10 pm). Though last season was a bit of a dud, for the sixth and final season of Justified, US Marshal Raylan Givens (Timothy Olyphant) is gonna come out with guns blazing. Expect a final showdown with the show's fantastic bad guy Boyd Crowder (Walton Goggins) as well as a Kentucky drug kingpin played by.... Squeeeeee! Sam Elliott? Yesssss! This is gonna cheer you up faster than a banana cocaine smoothie!
This Week on Television
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 14
10:00 FXX IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA
Season premiere! The gang kicks off its 10th season with some alcohol poisoning.
10:00 COM WORKAHOLICS
Season premiere! The office enforces its new "Speedo" dress code.
THURSDAY, JANUARY 15
8:00 CW THE WORLD DOG AWARDS
An award ceremony for the best dogs in the world. (I hope the Islamic State isn't allowed to compete!)
10:00 FX ARCHER
A sexy agent gets Lana's attention, and Archer is completely mature about it.
FRIDAY, JANUARY 16
9:00 SYFY 12 MONKEYS
Debut! Unlike the movie, there'd better be 12 monkeys in this thing!
11:00 IFC COMEDY BANG! BANG!
Maya Rudolph goes undercover with Scott to nab a bank-robbing Reggie Watts.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 17
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Host Kevin Hart and musical guest Sia swing on some chandeliers.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 18
9:00 HBO GIRLS
Weirdly, Hannah's fellow students don't give her the overwhelmingly positive feedback she expected.
9:30 HBO TOGETHERNESS
Michelle takes Tina's advice on spicing up her sex life—starting with agreeing to have sex.
MONDAY, JANUARY 19
11:30 COM THE NIGHTLY SHOW WITH LARRY WILMORE
The Daily Show's "Senior Black Correspondent," now in his very own show!
TUESDAY, JANUARY 20
6:00 ALL NETS STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS
President Obama speaks in front of a gloating Congress. Good luck with that!
10:00 FX JUSTIFIED
Season premiere! Raylan attempts to catch Boyd; Boyd attempts to make Raylan look like an idiot.