Jeremy Eaton

Guys, I had the most TERRRRIBLE sandwich the other day. I won't nauseate you with the details, but suffice it to say this one tasted like a slab of chalk-flavored hair wedged between two pieces of particle board, dipped in a motor oil au jus. But it looked fantastic! And therein lies the irony of this life: Too many things look like they're going to be good, and then end up tasting like motor-oil-soaked chalk-hair hoagies.

For example! Here are some TV shows you might be thinking of checking out this week, because they "look good." Well... spoiler alert! They won't be good!

Lance Loves Michael: The Lance Bass Wedding (E!, Fri Feb 5, 8 pm). There are only two things I love unequivocally: unasked for b-jobs and *NSYNC. And while I loooooove the idea of same-sex weddings, and ESPECIALLY same-sex weddings on TV, and ESPECIALLY same-sex weddings featuring *NSYNC's lone gay member Lance Bass, you just know the E! network is going to... FAWK... IT... UP! After all, they're responsible for transmitting weekly infectious diseases like Keeping Up with the Kardashians—and if anyone can murder the joy of a delicious same-sex marriage, it'll be those buttholes.

Allegiance (NBC, Thurs Feb 5, 10 pm). Ooooh, the plot of this new series sounds good: A young, genius CIA analyst is tasked with tracking down Russian spies, but as luck would have it, his parents are the Russian spies! ("MOOOOM! DAAAAAD! You're embarrassing meeeeeeeee!") Naturally, this plot is a bit too similar to the current greatest show on television, The Americans... but it's also a bit too similar to every other show that has a socially maladjusted genius in the leading role. (Oh, hello, Backstrom, Numb3rs, Sherlock, The Bridge, Scorpion, Hannibal, The Mentalist, House, Homeland, Breaking Bad... for God's sake—somebody stop me!!) Comparisons aside, this good-looking show is getting moderately fair reviews, so it might not be as terrible as it doesn't look. (Does that even make sense?)

Jail: Las Vegas (Spike, Sat Feb 7, 9 pm). This is just another series in that endless stream of quickie reality shows that are good to watch only when you're drunk in a Baltimore hotel room, you've already masturbated, and it's too early to go to sleep 'cause it's only 9 pm. However! They always get you with the episode titles—such as the one debuting this week: "Batman Is Arrested after Punching Chewbacca." This... sounds... amazing. Oh, but it won't be! Because after making you watch nearly an entire episode of non-Batman-punching-Chewbacca material, in the last 10 minutes a guard will drag in a couple of fat drunks wearing stained Batman and Chewbacca suits, and say, "Batman and Chewbacca got in a fight. Where do you want 'em?" And the other guard will say, "Just throw 'em in with the rest of the drunken Batmen and Chewbaccas." Annnnnd... roll credits. SOB! Why did I masturbate so early??

Better Call Saul (AMC, Sun Feb 8, 10 pm). Obviously, a series starring Bob Odenkirk as his beloved Breaking Bad character Saul Goodman can't help but look fantastic. Which means... which means... oh god. PLEASE DON'T BE A CHALK-HAIR MOTOR OIL SANDWICH!!

This Week on Television

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 4

8:30 ABC FRESH OFF THE BOAT

Debut! A Taiwanese family moves from Washington, DC, to Orlando, Florida... and their heads explode.

10:00 FX THE AMERICANS

Elizabeth and Philip deal with a botched mission. (No, it's not NBC's Allegiance.)

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 5

8:00 E! LANCE LOVES MICHAEL: THE LANCE BASS WEDDING

If *NSYNC doesn't sing at this thing, I will murder the earth.

10:00 NBC ALLEGIANCE

Debut! Russian double agents steal the plot for The Americans and sell it to the highest bidder.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 6

11:00 IFC COMEDY BANG! BANG!

The Big Bang Theory's Simon Helberg tries to convince Scott and Reggie he isn't an android. He fails.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 7

8:00 LIF MEGACHURCH MURDER—Movie

(2015) A preacher is murdered in his church, possibly by his daughter's boyfriend? Looks good... ISN'T!

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 8

9:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD

Rick and the gang hit the road once again, looking for a place to settle down and bore us to death.

10:00 AMC BETTER CALL SAUL

Debut! The highly anticipated Breaking Bad prequel focusing on lawyer Saul Goodman. Please don't be terrible!

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 9

8:00 FOX GOTHAM

Baby Commish Gordon meets Baby Scarecrow—who, frankly, is more adorable than frightening!

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 10

8:30 NBC PARKS AND RECREATION

Tonight: "The Johnny Karate Super Awesome Musical Explosion Show." Looks good... WILL BE GOOD.

10:00 FX JUSTIFIED

Raylan declares war on criminal real estate brokers. ("Criminal" and "broker" are redundant, aren't they?)