Jeremy Eaton

Okay, so now you can die knowing you can watch a TV show where two people have live sex inside a box. (That was #372 on my bucket list.) The show is called Sex Box, it debuts this Friday, February 27, at 10 pm, and it's on the WE network—as in "WE've never heard of it."

Basically, troubled couples are interviewed by creepy therapists in front of a live audience, then disappear into a big opaque box to have sex... while the rest of us awkwardly check our Twitter accounts, I guess? Anyway, after blowing their loads, the couple returns (dressed in satin bathrobes EWWWWWW!!!!), and engages in meaningful "real talk" about their relationship... because orgasms supposedly make people more open and honest. (Or in my case, grab the next bus out of town.)

Now, I have no trouble with people having sex inside a box. (Especially if it's coffin-shaped.) But there are two glaring problems with this show: (1) The couples having sex don't really like each other, which means, "No, they would not like it in a box/No, they would not like it with a fox." And (2) last time I checked, there's still free internet porn—where I can watch hot sex that's not obscured by a box, or immediately followed with "feelings." (If you can direct me to anything more perfect than internet porn, I'd like to see it.)

That being said, I'd love to have sex in a box with you one day... (cue segue) and these TV shows, which are returning/debuting this week!

House of Cards (Netflix, all episodes, Fri Feb 27). The shiniest jewel in the Netflix crown returns for its third season. When we last left shifty creep Frank Underwood, he'd finally been granted his greatest wish—which means things are about to get really ugly. Expect backlash from his formerly loyal wife, Claire, and a new crop of enemies salivating at the chance to take him down. (I would have sex in a pentagon-shaped box with this show.)

The Last Man on Earth (Fox, Sun March 1, 9 pm). I love the hilarious Will Forte—formerly of SNL—and would have sex in any box of his choosing. In this new comedy, Will plays Phil Miller, the titular "last man on earth," who somehow survived a virus that wiped out the human race, and now spends his time walking around the country in his underpants (because why not?), eating Pop-Tart sandwiches (again why not?), and moving into a McMansion in Tucson (I can think of a number of reasons why not).

• Battle Creek (CBS, Sun March 1, 10 pm). Breaking Bad creator Vince Gilligan dreamed up this cop comedy about a woefully underfunded police station in economically depressed Battle Creek, Michigan. Detective Russ Agnew (Dean Winters) demands help—and immediately regrets it after being saddled with super handsome and charismatic FBI Agent Milton Chamberlain (Josh Duhamel), who's also kind of a shithead. In an effort to make them get along, their chief tells them to have sex in a box, which is filmed and put on the internet for my enjoyment. (And NO, I don't want to hear about their "feelings"!)

This Week on Television

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 25

8:00 CBS SURVIVOR

Season premiere! OHMYGOD STOP IT, STOP IT, CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE JUST STOP IT????

10:00 FX THE AMERICANS

Nina discovers that the Russians' "sex box" is actually a "sex gulag." (Not as fun.)

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 26

8:00 NBC THE SLAP

This week a kitten gets slapped. (This show has gone too far!)

10:00 CBS VICTORIA'S SECRET SWIM SPECIAL

The gals travel to Puerto Rico to get undressed and be ogled by Maroon 5 and your grandfather.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 27

All Day Netflix HOUSE OF CARDS

Season premiere! Frank gets his dream job, while Claire searches for a knife to stick in his back.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 28

11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Hosted by 50 Shades of Grey's Dakota Johnson. (Be nice to her, guys! She's been through a lot!)

SUNDAY, MARCH 1

9:00 ABC SECRETS AND LIES

Debut! Ryan Phillippe stars as a man accused of killing a kid; Juliette Lewis co-stars as the detective who looks really mad at him.

9:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD

The gang has trouble adapting to their new lifestyle (which includes clean underpants).

MONDAY, MARCH 2

9:00 LOGO RUPAUL'S DRAG RACE

Season premiere! The "queen's court" returns... with special guest judges Kathy Griffin and Ariana Grande!

10:00 AMC BETTER CALL SAUL

Jimmy's attempts to drum up new business could also drum up a bullet in his noggin.

TUESDAY, MARCH 3

9:00 ABC AGENTS OF SHIELD

The agents suspect they have another Hydra jerkhole hiding in their ranks!

10:00 FX JUSTIFIED

Boyd takes Ava on a "hunting trip." So long, Ava, it was nice knowing you!