Jeremy Eaton

First things first, I loved zombies before anybody else, because apparently I'm hipster like that. However, since you can no longer swing a severed, lesion-covered arm without hitting a zombie-themed TV show, movie, comic book, novel, web series, Twitter account, and nail polish remover, I've decided to move on to what will surely become the next big things in monster obsessions: living skeletons and/or werecats.

I LOVE ME A WERECAT AND/OR LIVING SKELETON! Werecats are cool, because unlike super mean and aggressive werewolves, werecats just sleep most of the day and steal your milk. Plus they like to cuddle! NAME ONE OTHER MONSTER WHO LIKES TO CUDDLE, YOU CAN'T, I WIN.

On the other hand, if you prefer your monsters to be of the fawking terrifying variety, you can't beat a living skeleton. While you can pretty much figure out why most monsters became monsters—vampires get bit by other vampires, Frankensteins get built by doctors with the same name—there is NO REASON FOR A LIVING SKELETON. They're just... suddenly there. Rattling across your bedroom floor, bones jangling disconcertingly, jawbone flapping up and down without a single sound coming out. GAAAAAHHH! I don't wanna talk about it anymore!

Anyway, since it's gonna be a few more years before this zombie thing goes away and living skeletons come jangling into your life, we'll simply have to make do with what we have. And what we have this week is a brand new young adult zombie show (!) debuting on the CW called iZombie (Tues March 17, 9 pm).

Created by the brilliantly mad inventor of Veronica Mars (Rob Thomas) and loosely based on the DC/Vertigo comic book, iZombie tells the story of Liv (Rose McIver), a med school student who stumbles into the wrong frat party and BAM! She becomes a half-zombie. (Not sure how that works, but bear with me.) Naturally, zombies need braaaaaains, and so Liv uses her pre-med skills to score a sweet gig as an assistant mortician where she can nosh on as many cerebellums as she pleases. BUT HERE'S THE THING: The brains she ingests also provide her with that person's memories—which means if they were murdered, she's in the perfect position to help out the cops by becoming a zombified criminal catcher. BUT HERE'S THE OTHER THING: In this world, eating brains also preserves the zombie's humanity. So if she doesn't get enough frontal lobe in her diet, Liv will eventually revert back to the same kind of slow, shambling corpse that gets its head squashed on a weekly basis in The Walking Dead.

Now I loved Veronica Mars more than my own life and Totino's Pizza Rolls combined. So I have very high hopes for this show, combining the mystery and pathos of young adult life (exhibited in Veronica Mars) with the butt-kicking fun and drama of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. So let's check it out this week, and keep our fingers crossed! In the meantime, I'll continue working on my supernatural TV show that will debut in 2020 called "Boneyard!" (It's about living skeletons who start a landscaping business.)

This Week on Television

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 11

10:00 FX THE AMERICANS

Martha discovers that her husband might be married to someone else. OH! And also a Rooskie spy.

10:00 PBS SKELETONS OF THE SAHARA

GAHHHHHHHHHHH!! Skeletons!!

THURSDAY, MARCH 12

8:00 NBC THE SLAP

Connie and Hector exchange a secret kiss... followed by a not-so-secret SLAP!

9:00 ABC SCANDAL

Olivia's great grandchild time-travels from the future to pass on the following info: "Your life is crazy, and I can't even."

FRIDAY, MARCH 13

11:00 IFC COMEDY BANG! BANG!

Season finale! Co-starring a verrrry sleeeeeepy Zach Galifianakis who wants to take a nap. (Maybe he's a werecat?)

SATURDAY, MARCH 14

8:00 LIF WUTHERING HIGH SCHOOL—Movie

(2015) A retelling of Wuthering Heights—set inside a Malibu, California high school and, I assume, a Barbie dream house.

SUNDAY, MARCH 15

9:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD

Rick wonders why there hasn't been one cute, young adult zombie on his show.

9:30 FOX LAST MAN ON EARTH

Phil races against the clock to save the human race, and naturally, complains about it the entire time.

MONDAY, MARCH 16

9:00 HBO GOING CLEAR: SCIENTOLOGY AND THE PRISON OF BELIEF—Movie

(2014) Do not miss this highly acclaimed (and controversial) documentary that was the toast of Sundance!

10:00 AMC BETTER CALL SAUL

In an attempt to get new clients, Jimmy tries to do "the right thing." (How many people are gonna die this time?)

TUESDAY, MARCH 17

12:01 am YAHOO COMMUNITY

Season premiere! Community returns for its sixth (!) season on Yahoo! and without the constraints. Look out!

10:00 FX JUSTIFIED

Ava is torn between Raylan and Boyd, and... for god's sake, CHOOSE RAYLAN, WHAT ARE YOU NUTS??