Jeremy Eaton

[Hey guys! I'm on vacation this week, so please enjoy this I Love Television™ classic from 2011, in which I talk waaaay too much about my nipples. Good luck!—Humpy]

IN A WEEK filled with crappy season finales, there's one TV show I hate—yet "hate" to see go. Yes, this week brings the final episode EVER of Smallville [which in 2015 you can watch on iTunes]. As a young TV columnist, I grew up with this hilariously operatic teen drama featuring post-pubescent hunky hunkster Clark Kent (played by the muscly if not particularly talented Tom Welling). I've written umpteen columns about Smallville, all of which have devolved into lengthy, practically unreadable essays involving Welling whipping off his shirt, accompanied by intense descriptions of the height, circumference, and hue of his nipples.

Well, those days are kaput, my friends—and not because my previous columns have landed me on several pedophile watch lists. Just as Superboy has grown into a SuperMAN, I, too, have matured. No longer do I drool like a hormonal tween at a Justin Bieber concert—because frankly? Tom Welling is like 34 years old now (!!!) and his nips look like shit.

The show lost my interest a few seasons ago—thanks to deteriorating storylines, and the departure of Michael Rosenbaum (Lex Luthor) and the maniacally hot Kristin Kreuk (Lana Lang). In fact, I wasn't even upset when Welling stopped taking off his shirt, because, as mentioned earlier, his nips have become a national embarrassment.

Where once these teats were a model of structural perfection—a luminous coral hue, areolae 1.2 inches (30 mm) in circumference, and nipples five-stacked-quarters high—they are now a sad leathery shade of brown, cracked around the edges, and drooping in unceremonious defeat. ARE WE TO BELIEVE THESE ARE THE NIPPLES OF A SUPERMAN??

"Hey, hey, Humpy! Easy on Tom Welling's nipples, already!" I hear you cry. "You're no spring chicken. I seriously doubt your nipples are much better!" OH, YOU WANT TO SEE MY NIPPLES, DO YOU? Well, here! WHOOSH! (That's the sound of me yanking my shirt up, BTW.)

Observe the nipples of a god!! As you can plainly see, MY nippolinis are the stuff ancient sculptors would spend their lives trying to recreate. My areolae? A hot 25 mm in diameter. The color? A perfect blend of eumelanin (brown pigment) and pheomelanin (red pigment)—or in layperson's terms, the color of a glorious sunrise. As for my nipples? Look up "perky" in the dictionary, and you'll see their picture! At their most erect, they rise (majestically, I might add) to a whopping 14 mm—long enough to hang your average hat or participate in a ring-toss competition. They often cause those who are 5'4" to receive ocular damage. Why, yes—they DO have the ability to cut glass. And if I fall forward, it's unnecessary for me to put my hands out to catch myself—THAT'S how perky my nipples are!

That being said, I will absolutely watch the final episode of Smallville to see what we've all been waiting for: Clark finally donning his Superman suit. (For which I've graciously volunteered my services as Welling's "nipple double." NO NEED FOR THANKS. Just wear eye protection.)

This Week on Television

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 25

10:00 FX THE AMERICANS

Stan teams up with Ruskie Oleg to save hot Ruskie Nina from the gulag!

10:30 COM BIG TIME IN HOLLYWOOD, FL

Debut! Delusional filmmakers invent a scheme to fund their movie, and horrible danger ensues.

THURSDAY, MARCH 26

9:00 ABC SCANDAL

Cyrus plans to get gay married to avoid trouble. (My, how times have changed!)

10:00 NBC THE SLAP

In court, Rosie tries to make herself look more sympathetic—but the jury still wants to give her a... SLAP!

FRIDAY, MARCH 27

8:00 NBC GRIMM

Nick and Hank investigate a one-night stand that ended in murder. (Oh, if I had a nickel....)

SATURDAY, MARCH 28

8:00 NICK KIDS' CHOICE AWARDS 2015

Nick's annual awards ceremony, which is only interesting because maybe Justin Bieber will get "slimed."

11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Hosted by Dwayne "Do You Smell That People Call Me the Rock?" Johnson.

SUNDAY, MARCH 29

8:00 NBC IHEARTRADIO MUSIC AWARDS

For people who LOVE radio! (Hello? Anybody out there? Is this thing on?)

9:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD

Season finale! In this 90-minute season ender, trouble comes to a head in the former paradise of Alexandria!

MONDAY, MARCH 30

10:00 COM COMEDY CENTRAL ROAST OF JUSTIN BIEBER

America's funniest comedians rip Justin Bieber a brand-new butthole.

TUESDAY, MARCH 31

9:00 CW IZOMBIE

Liv investigates a hit-and-run crime... or in her case, a hit-and-run-and-eat-their-brains crime.

9:00 FOX NEW GIRL

Jess attends a funeral... but only because she accidentally sexted the deceased.