Jeremy Eaton

Sure, it could be said I have a "sexual hair trigger"—but I see it as just one of my many superpowers. Along with my superhuman ability to know every restaurant in town that serves egg salad, and being able to talk my way out of felony charges, I am also able to become "sexually aroused" in a number of varied, unusual ways. For example, while the flick of your booty obviously drives me to erotic frenzy, I am also turned on by alligator wrestling, funny voices caused by inhaling helium, and "science." YES, SCIENCE. Science makes me harder than the Washington Memorial on Viagra—the problem is it gets me so excited I can barely remember any of it!

However! There is one science person who gets me more aroused than all the rest... brainiac astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson. For those who get aroused by geometry instead of science, Tyson is the founder of the astrophysics department at New York's American Museum of Natural History (that's hot!), hosted Fox's reboot of the classic PBS science show Cosmos, AND was awarded the NASA Distinguished Public Service Medal—which gets me so horny, I need to dump a bucket of ice down my trousers. (AAAAAAAHHH... that would feel so much better if I weren't also aroused by ice.)

Anyway, if you are as turned on by Tyson as I am, then grab a new, roomier pair of underpants—because he's getting his own new late-night, science-based talk show! (PANT! PANT! Boinnnggg! AH-oooooh-GAH!) It's called StarTalk (debuting Mon April 20, 11 pm, National Geographic Channel), which is based on his terrific radio show and podcast of the same name. His late-night gig will be performed in front of a live audience, where he'll bring on very cool, smart people to discuss stars, space, the future, and other science-y horny-making STUFF!

For example, in the debut episode, he's welcoming Star Trek alum and gay activist George Takei to talk about how the imaginary world of Trek compares with today's society. (Well, for one thing, the military doesn't wear miniskirts. BOOOOOOOOO!!!) Also Interstellar director Christopher Nolan will drop by to talk about how he employs science in his movies, AND there will be regular segments featuring Bill Nye the Science Guy—who only makes me half as horny as Tyson, but that's still plenty horny!

And yet? This sure-to-be amazing talk show is only getting started. Future episodes have all kinds of interesting and unusual special guests including Arianna Huffington, former Prez Jimmy Carter, Biz Stone (the co-founder of Twitter), NASA administrator Charles Bolden and astronaut Chris Hadfield, author/biologist/smartypants Richard Dawkins, famed TV producer Norman Lear, and someone who probably knows a thing or two about horniness, sex advice guru Dan Savage!

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? That's an insanely good lineup! And you'll probably never have to worry about seeing other tired-ass late-night guests like Gwyneth Paltrow or Justin Bieber—unless Tyson is conducting an experiment where they dump Paltrow and Bieber into a black hole... you know, just to see what happens. Mmmmmm... the thought of that gets me super hot.

This Week on Television

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 15

10:00 FX THE AMERICANS

Martha brings home a surprise guest—who has a worse fake wig than Philip!

10:00 ABC NASHVILLE

Jeff's famous ex-fiancée arrives in town, and it's... CHRISTINA AGUILERA?!? EWWWWWW!

THURSDAY, APRIL 16

8:30 SHO ATARI: GAME OVER

A documentary about the rise and fall of our favorite game system ever.

10:30 FX LOUIE

Louie hosts an open mic—where every last comedian is better than him. :(

FRIDAY, APRIL 17

9:00 CW THE MESSENGERS

Debut! An object that fell from space bonks five strangers, and things get very WEIRD from there.

9:00 SHO KNOCK KNOCK, IT'S TIG NOTARO

A stand-up special featuring one of the best comedians working today!

SATURDAY, APRIL 18

9:00 STARZ OUTLANDER

Claire informs the other women about female orgasms, and is proclaimed a witch for her trouble.

SUNDAY, APRIL 19

10:00 AMC MAD MEN

Old ugly feelings between Peggy and Pete rear their ugly heads.

10:30 HBO VEEP

Gary gets carried away (as only Gary can) while planning a dinner for the visiting Israeli prime minister.

MONDAY, APRIL 20

11:00 NGC STARTALK

Debut! The world's sexiest astrophysicist welcomes Star Trek's George Takei to his late-night talk show about sexy science!

TUESDAY, APRIL 21

9:00 ABC AGENTS OF SHIELD

Desperate for help, Coulson and Hunter turn to... that turncoat traitor Grant Ward?!?

9:00 CW IZOMBIE

Liv eats the brains of a computer geek, and starts getting nerd feelings!