Jeremy Eaton

Note to network executives: Here's a suggestion if you'd like to continue your career in the television industry. If you debut a new TV show entitled Shark Tank, then it might be a good idea IF YOU HAD AT LEAST ONE MOTHERLOVIN' SHARK IN THE GOD-BLINKIN' SHOW!!! (Note to readers: As I write this, it is currently 105 degrees outside, which has caused my internal organs to liquefy and run out of my bottom hole, soaking my chair and floor with effluvia. So I'm a bit peeved today.)

When I originally learned a show entitled Shark Tank was debuting this week (ABC, Sun Aug 9, 9 pm), my initial response was to literally explode with delight, shooting up, up, up into the air, carving a brilliant rainbow in the sky, before eventually disintegrating into a billion tiny gumdrops and falling into the mouths of the most adorable orphans in the world. HOWEVER! My explosion of joy quickly turned into a poot of RAGE when I learned that on a scale of 1 to 10 of actual sharks in the show, there were exactly ZERO FREAKING SHARKS!

WHAT... THE... FAAAAAAWWWWKKK?!? Now, I may just be a lowly TV columnist standing in a puddle of liquefied intestines, but even I know that calling a show Shark Tank and failing to supply any sharks is tantamount to naming a show Hey Guys! It's Megan Fox's Vagina! and bypassing the vagina!

What's Shark Tank actually about? OH, I'LL TELL YOU! It's a reality competition in which wannabe inventors/ entrepreneurs beg a jury of self-made millionaires for money to get their fledgling businesses off the ground—aaaaand THAT'S IT. Does the show take place in a shark tank? NO. Are any of the self-made millionaires actually sharks in disguise? NO. There's not even a whiff of a shark within 50 billion miles of this show, but I will tell you what Shark Tank does have, and that's DICKS.

I watched a preview of Shark Tank, and here's a representative scene: An inventor stands in front of the millionaire jury and might say something like, "Hey, I just invented a cure for neck cancer." The millionaires will invariably roll their eyes, scoff, tell an incredibly boring story about how they suffered to become so stinking rich, and then offer the inventor $500 and a packet of ketchup for the idea IF they can own 87 percent of the business and all future profits. Umm... that's not a shark tank—that's a DICK TANK!

So what we've got here is a show whose very premise is to exploit the ignorant, celebrate greed, make the millionaires even MORE millions, destroy the self-esteem of the contestants, and... what else? I know I'm forgetting something... oh, yeah. IT DOESN'T HAVE A SINGLE FREAKING SHARK IN IT!

Now if the scenario were more like the inventor curing neck cancer and the millionaire who tried to rip him off being catapulted 90 feet through the air and into the thrashing jaws of a tank full of actual sharks? Well, okay. Then the adorable orphans of the world could eat my gumdrops (that is, as soon as I figure out how to unliquefy my spleen).