Jeremy Eaton

May we take a moment to appreciate the plight of the "undercover cop"? [EDITOR'S NOTE: May we also take a moment to remind you that Humpy knows absolutely nothing about police work? Grain of salt, people.]

As we all know, being a cop is tough work—except for bossing people around all day and carrying a gun and a Taser. (OH BOO-HOO-HOO, POOR COPS!) But they do catch a lot of crap from no-goodniks like me, and yet still seem happy to drop by my home or office to dispose of my many stalkers/angry ex-lovers... for which I shall ever be appreciative.

But while regular cops have a tough row to hoe, the undercover cops have it super tough! Imagine if you were undercover and investigating some skinhead Nazi organization. First, you have to get a haircut that looks like someone ran over you with a lawnmower. Second, you have to get a bunch of Nazi tattoos—which ruins every family holiday photo. Third, you can't listen to any Taylor Swift or Ariana Grande. And fourth, you have to pretend like you're super racist—which limits your dating options to other skinheads or Florida Republicans. THIS IS AN UNTENABLE SITUATION!

HOWEVER! The only thing worse than being a skinhead undercover cop is being a HIPPIE undercover cop. I don't need four reasons to describe why this is horrible—just this: You have to dress like a hippie and smell like you've been sleeping inside the intestines of a pig. It's the WORST possible job any cop could ever have, and in my opinion, EVEN MORE UNTENABLE.

Well, TV is finally getting around to dramatizing the nearly impossible plight of the hippie undercover cop in NBC's new show Aquarius (debuting Thurs May 28, 9 pm). This crime drama set in 1967 stars David Duchovny (The X-Files and Red Shoe Diaries... everyone always forgets about Red Shoe Diaries), as a jarhead old-timey cop in the Mickey Spillane tradition who sees his beloved Los Angeles being polluted by free love, LSD, and stink-foot hippies. He's partnered with a young vice cop (True Blood's Grey Damon), who's been ordered to grow his hair and infiltrate the counterculture—but eventually begins to see the hippies' side of things. Obviously, this makes Duchovny's character DESPISE his young partner—though smelling like the inside of a hog doesn't help.

BUT THEN! Trouble brings them back together when the daughter of an old friend falls under the spell of a certain upcoming cult leader named [pause for dramatic effect] CHARLES MANSON (Game of Thrones' Gethin Anthony) who in two short years will become the most famous hippie murderer the world has ever known! (BOOOO! Hippie murderers are the worst!)

As you can probably guess, this show will probably be terrible—because who gives two craps about a hippie cop show even if Charles Manson is involved, right? However, TV should definitely give more love to undercover cops—which is why I'll be pitching my new show, Swift Cop, about an officer who stops crime by going undercover as Taylor Swift. (And unlike some people, he smells fantastic.)

This Week on Television

WEDNESDAY, MAY 27

8:00 CBS THE BRIEFCASE

Debut! Poor people are given a briefcase of money and a choice to give part of it away to someone needier. THIS IS A RICH PERSON'S TRAP.

9:00 FOX BULLSEYE

Debut! A game show where people are dropped out of things and try to hit a target. ANOTHER RICH PERSON'S TRAP.

THURSDAY, MAY 28

10:00 SPIKE LIP SYNC BATTLE

Season finale! This fun lip sync show pits Queen Latifah against Marlon Wayons.

10:30 FX LOUIE

Season finale! The final episode of the season followed by a 90-minute Louis C.K. stand-up special!

FRIDAY, MAY 29

8:00 IFC COMEDY BANG! BANG!

Scott welcomes the sexy and nerd-tastic Karen Gillan (Doctor Who).

SATURDAY, MAY 30

8:00 HBO ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME

The induction ceremony and concert honoring Bill Withers, Joan Jett, Lou Reed, and more!

9:00 STARZ OUTLANDER

Season finale! Jamie is rescued from his sadistic captor—but Claire wonders if his brain will ever recover.

SUNDAY, MAY 31

9:30 SHO HAPPYISH

A new store at the mall sends everyone into a tailspin. (No store is better than Hot Dog on a Stick.)

10:00 HBO SILICON VALLEY

Richard wants his company to have the same brand loyalty as Hot Dog on a Stick. IMPOSSIBLE.

MONDAY, JUNE 1

10:00 ABC THE WHISPERS

Debut! Lily Rabe stars as an investigator who learns aliens are telling our children to do terrible things.

TUESDAY, JUNE 2

3:00 am YAHOO COMMUNITY

Season finale! Community ends their sixth season stranger than ever. Hurray!

9:00 CW IZOMBIE

Liv eats the brains of a high-schooler, and all she wants to do is visit Forever 21 and Hot Dog on a Stick.