Jeremy Eaton

UNGGHHH! BEING "OWNED" BY THE MOB IS THE WORST! Now this isn't to say I don't appreciate what the mob has done for me. Unlike certain people I know—do you see me glaring at you? I'm glaring at you—they were absolutely thrilled to help me pay off my gambling debts. And when I found myself in jail (again) on trumped-up charges (again) of stealing a police car and banging the mayor's daughter in the backseat (again), who bailed me out? I'm looking at you, everyone currently reading this—because it wasn't you! IT WAS THE MOB!

And yet, as it turns out, the mob has its downsides. Not only do they want their borrowed money back (!!), but their interest rates are higher than Chase Bank! (Why wasn't Occupy Wall Street protesting these guys?) Oh, and here's something I just found out: When you don't pay the mob back in a timely manner, they kidnap your cousin Stan, and keep him tied up in a deserted, rat-filled warehouse until you fork over the dough! (Confidential to cousin Stan: Sorry to leave you there, but remember when we were kids, and you stole my favorite Hot Wheels car? You don't remember? Well, now you'll have plenty of time to think about it, butthole.)

Mobsters also dress like they fell face-first into a Goodwill drop-off bin. (No offense to mobsters or Goodwill.)

Oh! And sometimes the mob would rather have you kill someone instead of paying them back—which is a pretty good business model, actually. I'd imagine that in most cases, the person they'd want you to kill probably deserves it. (That's why I've decided NOT to pay, just in case they want me to kill my cousin Stan. I hate that Hot Wheels-stealing butthole.)

ANYHOO. Apparently I'm not the only person who has mob probs (short for mob problems), because Colin Farrell's got 'em big time in this week's season two premiere of True Detective (HBO, Sun June 21, 9 pm).

As you remember, last season's True Detective was TV's belle of the ball, starring the fantastic Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson in a smart, dark, and twisty story by Nic Pizzolatto. And in season two, Pizzolatto is flipping the script with an entirely new story starring Farrell, Vince Vaughn, and Rachel McAdams.

Farrell plays Ray Velcoro, a detective who's stuck between a rock (his corrupt police bosses) and a very hard place (the MOB, who have their hooks implanted deep inside his bottom). He's assigned to investigate the murder of an entrepreneur, whose business partner Frank Semyon (played by Vaughn) has deep criminal ties as well. (Oh, hello again MOB). While Velcoro may be forced by his many bosses to tiptoe around the murder, sheriff's detective Ani Bezzerides (McAdams) is uncompromisingly honest and going balls out to solve the crime—which may draw some unwelcome attention from... oh... I don't know... THE MOB?!?

Expect shades of Chinatown mixed with a heaping helping of murder, corruption, the occult (!), and the existential bent that made season one of True Detective such a hit. (Speaking of existentialism... Hey cousin Stan! Hope stealing that Hot Wheels car was worth it, butthole!)

This Week on Television

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 17

10:00 ABC CELEBRITY WIFE SWAP

Tonight some unlucky husbands get brand-new wives: The Love Boat's Jill Whelan and Charo!

THURSDAY, JUNE 18

8:00 ABC THE ASTRONAUT WIVES CLUB

Debut! The wives of the first astronauts bond together, and... wait. Did that astronaut chimp have a wife?

10:00 NBC HANNIBAL

Will visits Hannibal's childhood home—and finds baby's first scalpel. Awwwwwww!

FRIDAY, JUNE 19

9:00 SYFY KILLJOYS

Debut! Warrants are served by three fun-lovin' interplanetary bounty hunters. (Greedo is not involved.)

Midnight TOON CHILDRENS HOSPITAL

Don't miss this hilarious series featuring the most sex-crazed pediatric doctors ever.

SATURDAY, JUNE 20

8:00 SPIKE COPS

Season premiere! Cops returns for its 28th season. Apparently some of you are still interested in this show.

SUNDAY, JUNE 21

9:00 HBO TRUE DETECTIVE

Season premiere! A prominent businessman is murdered... perhaps by... THE MOB?!?

10:30 HBO THE BRINK

Debut! Jack Black and Tim Robbins star as two government bureaucrats trying to prevent World War III.

MONDAY, JUNE 22

8:00 NGC STARTALK

Season finale! Neil deGrasse Tyson interviews the king of sitcoms, Norman Lear.

10:00 ABC THE WHISPERS

Claire and Wes race to stop thousands of unnecessary whisper deaths.

TUESDAY, JUNE 23

9:00 FOX WORLD'S FUNNIEST FAILS

This episode: nature acting like a big dumb jerk!

10:30 COM ANOTHER PERIOD

Debut! The hilarious Natasha Leggero and Riki Lindhome star in this comedy about terrible aristocrats!