Jeremy Eaton

[HEY GUYS! I'm taking Shark Week off, so here's a classic Shark Week column with updated Shark Week details. Enjoy your Shark Week!—Humpy]

Look, I have nothing against Shark Week—the annual weeklong tribute to those finny, ass-chomping murderers of the deep. HOWEVER! The Discovery Channel could devote the occasional week to a far more frightening animal—the weenie dog. DON'T YOU DARE LAUGH AT MY PHOBIA!! The weenie dog is, statistically speaking, far more dangerous... and here's my three-pronged proof:

Proof One! Unless you're that dick Aquaman, how much time do you spend in the ocean? Twenty minutes a year tops? Comparatively, how many times a year do you pass a weenie dog on the street? Maybe 125? Therefore your ankle's chances of being mauled by a weenie dog are 125 times greater than an attack from a shark. (Note: The previous statistic was pulled directly from my ass, but is nonetheless scientifically sound.)

Proof Two! Weenie dogs are the worst. Weenie dogs are ugly, misshapen, unnecessarily angry, and racist. YES, RACIST!! Because of their German descent, not only do they despise Jews and homosexuals, they hate ALL races—except the weenie dog race. There's only one weenie dog race I love... and that's when 20 weenie dogs race each other around a horse track. It's HILARIOUS!!

Proof Three! Weenie dogs are clinically insane. Are sharks insane? NO. When they take a bite out of a seal, surfer, or sex-crazed teenager, it's usually because they're starving to death. Conversely, the reason weenie dogs take a bite out of people's ankles is for one of the following reasons: (1) Weenie Dog God told them to. (2) The person's ankle reminds them of a Jew. (3) They believe their teeth are miniature diamond-encrusted robots that will eventually teleport them to weenie dog heaven if constantly coated in human blood and cat feces. In short, WEENIE DOGS ARE BATSHIT CRAZY!!

That being said, Discovery Channel does not have a "Weenie Dog Week," it has a "Shark Week" (broadcast from July 5-12)—so we'll just have to be satisfied with a week devoted to a less frightening, less violently bonkers animal. Here are a few highlights:

Shark Trek (Sun July 5, 8 pm). Unfortunately, this is not about an adventurous starship shark captain who flies around the galaxy banging hot alien fish. It's about some scientists tracking great white shark migration off the Florida Coast. (Sharks can smell blood in the water... but can they smell lawsuits?)

Island of the Mega Shark (Sun July 5, 9 pm). The Pacific island of Guadalupe is home to the world's largest great white sharks. Conversely, most of the world's weenie dogs reside in Stuttgart, Germany, where they're secretly planning to launch the "Fourth Reich"—a future German empire in which weenie dogs enslave the human race, and feast upon their ankles. Bastards!

Sharksanity 2 (Sat July 11, 9 pm). Viewers rank their favorite clips of sharks jumping, chasing, and biting people. You know why you never hear about sharks attacking weenie dogs? Because the dogs slip down the shark's throats and eat them alive... from inside.

This Week on Television

WEDNESDAY, JULY 1

9:00 OXY THE PRANCING ELITES

The Elites enter a co-ed competition—and kick the ass of intolerance!

10:00 CBS EXTANT

Season premiere! Molly escapes the psychiatric hospital to find out how this show could've been picked up for another season.

THURSDAY, JULY 2

9:00 DSC NAKED AND AFRAID

A New Yorker and a vegetarian attempt to survive the jungles of Guyana. (Did I mention they're butt nekkid?)

10:00 NBC HANNIBAL

NBC refused to renew this gorgeously creepy horror show—so watch it while you can!

FRIDAY, JULY 3

7:45 AMC JAWS—Movie

(1975) The classic ass-biting shark movie. (Sorry, Shark Week... you're gonna need a bigger boat.)

SATURDAY, JULY 4

8:00 NBC 4TH OF JULY FIREWORKS SPECTACULAR

Or you can walk outside and watch your hillbilly neighbor throwing firecrackers at a cat. Your call.

SUNDAY, JULY 5

4:00 FOX WOMEN'S WORLD CUP SOCCER

The final two teams go head-to-head for worldwide soccer glory!

9:00 HBO TRUE DETECTIVE

Ani puts her foot down with Ray's mustache, reminding it that she's the star of this show!

MONDAY, JULY 6

8:00 CW PENN & TELLER: FOOL US

Season premiere! Penn and Teller challenge more magicians to mentally freak the crap out of them.

10:00 DSC ALIEN SHARKS: CLOSE ENCOUNTERS

No aliens, no spaceships, and no mountains made of mashed potatoes. Shark Week is bullshit.

TUESDAY, JULY 7

9:00 CBS ZOO

Jackson realizes that the world's animals—in particular, weenie dogs—are killing for sport.

10:00 COM INSIDE AMY SCHUMER

Amy realizes she has too many "buttonholes." That is all.