Dear Sun: I didn't sign up for this. When you said you were gonna be "hot" this summer, I assumed that meant you were going to be as warm as your previous 4.567 billion years of existence. But apparently, that isn't the case! You are waaaaay hotter this year, which made me look you up on the internet to see just exactly how hot you are. And guess what I found out? That, at your core, your temperature is 27 million degrees Fahrenheit.
WHAAAAAT THAAAA FAAAAAAAACKK??????
Since when do you suddenly get to decide you're gonna turn the heat up to 27 million degrees? If you're cold, PUT ON A GODDAMN SWEATER! There is NO REASON to make the rest of us suffer because your nips are sticking out!
You're feeling a bit chilly? Well, let me tell you about MY situation. Currently, my home feels like a windowless metal box in the middle of Death Valley, with 27 hair dryers pointed directly at it. And even though I am completely nude, I feel like someone put a curling iron on its highest setting, covered it in hot coals, and then stuck it inside my ass along with three pounds of ghost peppers. (The reason they're called "ghost peppers" is because they died from overheating, and now haunt the buttholes of whoever eats them.)
In fact, I am SO HOT, my body can no longer maintain its physical shape and has literally melted into a viscous puddle of 89 percent sweat, two percent water, and nine percent Mike's Hard Lemonade (mixed with a squirt of heroin).
Luckily for YOU, Sun, I have a television to distract me from your sweltering torture, and can recommend the following shows to any of my fellow earthlings who find themselves in a similar state of scorching solar persecution. BEHOLD...
• Mr. Robot (USA, Wed July 8, 10 pm). This is clearly the STUPIDEST name for a sci-fi show since Manimal—however! This stupidly named show is actually an engrossing cyber thriller about a socially stunted hacker who finds himself embroiled in a worldwide techno conspiracy. It makes some keen observations about the world we live in, it's got the creepy flair of the great British show Black Mirror, and other than the fact it's on the USA network and co-stars Christian Slater, it is HOT. Not 27 million degrees hot... but hot.
• 7 Days in Hell (HBO, Sat July 11, 10 pm). Speaking of hot, Hell is hot—and former SNL member Andy Samberg and Game of Thrones' Kit Harington are going through seven days of it in this HBO sports mockumentary about two fictional tennis players playing an interminable week-long match. And speaking of interminable, I'm hot, and the sun doesn't give a shit.
• Masters of Sex (Showtime, Sun July 12, 10 pm). This horny dramatization of real-life sex researchers Masters and Johnson returns for a third season, and while their on-again, off-again affair is heating up, so are the sex lives of their spurned spouses! (FYI, when I have sex, I heat up to 27 million and ONE degrees. Suck it, Sun!)
This Week on Television
WEDNESDAY, JULY 8
10:00 COM KEY & PEELE
Season premiere! The hilarious comic duo return with a sketch about President Obama meeting Hillary Clinton.
10:00 USA MR. ROBOT
Hacker Elliot decides he's going to lead a normal life—until his new life gets hacked!
THURSDAY, JULY 9
9:00 CW DATES
Debut! A Brit comedy about effed-up couples and the joys of online dating.
10:00 SPIKE LIP SYNC BATTLE
Season premiere! Tonight's fun lip sync matchup: the adorable Alison Brie vs. the charming Will Arnett!
FRIDAY, JULY 10
9:00 DSC SHARKS OF THE SHADOWLAND
In this Shark Week entry, divers try to tag aggressive sharks without losing their buttholes in the process.
SATURDAY, JULY 11
10:00 HBO 7 DAYS IN HELL
A loudmouth American and a prissy Brit go head-to-head in a hellish (and fake) weeklong tennis match.
SUNDAY, JULY 12
10:00 FX THE STRAIN
Season premiere! Eph and Nora think a biological weapon might murder the vampires. (Yeah, and so will a stake!)
10:00 SHO MASTERS OF SEX
Season premiere! Masters and Johnson are forced to use visual aids (old-timey porn!) to explain their research.
MONDAY, JULY 13
12:15 TOON YOUR PRETTY FACE IS GOING TO HELL
Season premiere! Kind of like if Satan owned Best Buy, and his employees were the absolute worst.
TUESDAY, JULY 14
9:00 CBS ZOO
A senator visits the zoo's lion cage to see if the rumors about animal attacks are true. BAD IDEA, SENATOR.
9:00 PBS BLACK OUT: AMERICAN EXPERIENCE
Documenting the 1977 NYC blackout when seven million people lost power and NON-hilarity ensued.