It's with great regret I must inform you that your favorite TV show, Hannibal (NBC, Thurs, 10 pm), has not been picked up for a fourth season, and... WHADDAYA MEAN HANNIBAL ISN'T YOUR FAVORITE SHOW?!? Look. I write about Hannibal probably more than any other current TV show, so ACTUALLY it's already been well established (BY ME) that Hannibal is your favorite show. Got it? So apparently you were just confused when you said it wasn't your favorite show? Is that what you're telling me? Yeah. That's exactly what you're telling me.
Anyway, can you believe Hannibal has been cancelled by NBC? A show about a serial murderer who regularly kills people and eats their intestines? Or inspires other serial killers to do similarly horrible things, which include, but are not limited to, stashing dead bodies inside the stomach cavity of a horse? Why on earth would a network cancel a show like this???
Of course, a stupid person could take the opposite tack and wonder why on earth a network would ever ALLOW a show like this. I'LL TELL YOU WHY! (And by the way, you're being waaaaay too cavalier with your constant questions about this excellent show! But I'll deal with you later.) Because not only is Hannibal the most drop-dead gorgeous show on television (using top-notch cinematography to giddily fetishize murder and haute cuisine), it's also one of the best-written series as well, philosophically exploring the thin line between sanity and... well, a guy who will happily cut out and sauté your liver.
However! I will allow Hannibal might be a bit "too much" for the average TV network, whose cash cows are usually reality talent shows and laugh-tracked comedies filled with fart-inspired humor. Therefore, wouldn't Hannibal be a perfect show for maybe Amazon or Netflix? Yes, BUT! All these video services have passed on Hannibal as well—and since the contracts have run out for lead actors Hugh Dancy and Mads Mikkelsen, that means, unless a miracle occurs, this season of Hannibal will be its last.
Wait... are you asleep? Are you seriously sleeping while I'm trying to tell you the most horrible television news of the year? OH FOR THE LOVE OF... you know, for someone who claims that Hannibal is your favorite show, you're not exactly acting like it!! ARE YOU AND I GOING TO HAVE A PROBLEM? Is that what you want?? A PROBLEM?? Yeah. I didn't think so.
Anyhoo! You'll be happy to know I've decided to take matters into my own hands and produce and distribute the fourth season of Hannibal all by myself—with a little help from the show's biggest fan... YOU! I've already been in contact with the video service "YouTube," who told me they will happily show any video I choose to upload. (Their current most popular shows lean toward trampoline accidents.) I'll be producing, directing, and starring as Hannibal, while you will be portraying my first victim. We'll start filming this weekend in my basement—so don't be late! Wait... what? Is this your favorite show or not? You don't want to have a PROBLEM with me, do you? Yeah. Didn't think so.
This Week on Television
WEDNESDAY, JULY 15
10:00 TVLAND THE JIM GAFFIGAN SHOW
Debut! The verrry funny comedian stars in this sitcom about being a dad and eating too much.
10:00 USA MR. ROBOT
A hacker operation is threatened by Elliot's inner-demons. (He ate something bad for dinner.)
THURSDAY, JULY 16
10:00 NBC HANNIBAL
Hannibal gets captured by the police! (In my version, he'd eat the police.)
10:00 SPIKE LIP SYNC BATTLE
It's Justin Bieber vs. Deion Sanders in a battle to see who can be most terrible.
FRIDAY, JULY 17
3:00 am NETFLIX TIG
Debut! A documentary about the life of comedian Tig Notaro and her battle with cancer.
SATURDAY, JULY 18
9:00 AMC HELL ON WHEELS
Season premiere! Cullen faces his biggest railroad-building challenge yet—rowdy Irishmen!
SUNDAY, JULY 19
8:00 NBC WELCOME TO SWEDEN
Season premiere! Bruce plans to propose to Emma—despite what a horde of angry Swedes think!
10:00 SHO MASTERS OF SEX
Virginia and Libby kiss and make up... let's hope literally!
MONDAY, JULY 20
8:00 NBC AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR
It's the Kansas City finals for this obstacle course competition featuring hot shirtless hunks.
8:00 ABC THE BACHELORETTE
The men get their opportunity to say what's on their mind... which is to say, "DUHHHHHHHH."
TUESDAY, JULY 21
9:00 FOX KNOCK KNOCK
Debut! Ryan Seacrest shows up at people's doors to grant their wishes. (Can I just wish he'd go away?)
9:00 CBS ZOO
There's a wolf attack at the prison—which at least breaks up the monotony of the situation.