[Guys! I'm on vacation this week, so attempt to enjoy this vintage I Love Television™ column from way back in 2006!—Humpy]
Most people can only be successful in one career. Me, I could be a superstar in myriad professions—from award-winning chimney sweep, to championship drag racer, to toothbrush manufacturer, to world's sexiest proctologist. HOWEVER! My true talents lie in one of two professions: writing nonsensical tripe in tabloids such as this, and "professional singing." While I'm certainly well known for the former, when it comes to the latter, I am repeatedly hounded with the same bewildered advice: "Humpy! You sing like a goddamn ANGEL. Why not share your blessed gift with the WORLD?"
Good question. At any point I could've put down my pen and let the birds in my throat fly—charming the globe with my musical ejaculations. However, had I chosen such a path, how would you know what time Project Runway comes on? EXACTLY. Sometimes the needs of the many outweigh the crushed dreams of me.
On the other hand, screw you. I've waited long enough to travel the road of destiny, which is why the world will soon be exclaiming, "WOW!" when I finally share my astounding vocal abilities with those who have been clearly begging for it. And all it will take is one audition for this season's American Idol.
That's right: The auditions for American Idol have officially begun. This means after I pass the audition, go to Hollywood, and hack the competition to bits, it will be ME standing alone onstage, being showered by balloons and confetti, hugged by Ryan Seacrest, and WORSHIPPED by millions of undeserving sycophants! Yay, ME!
What's that? The rules clearly state I must be between 16 and 28?? HORSE HOCKEY! Sure, I may be ever so slightly over 28 years old—but winner Taylor Hicks looks like Jay Leno's grandpappy! Let ME worry about the rules. I'll simply stride up to the front of the line (no waiting overnight for me), wag my finger at the guard, and announce in my most grandiose Shakespearean tone, "Sir! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM??" Naturally, I shall pass unimpeded.
Then, I will walk straight into the audition room, brushing aside Ryan Seacrest ("Sir! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM??"), and stop in front of Simon, Randy, and Paula. "How dare you violate this sacred sanctum... dawg?" Randy will cry. To which I will respond, "Sir! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM??" And when they say, "No, we most certainly do NOT," I shall say, "OH. Umm... okay... Well, you will know me as the winner of American Idol! But for now, let me introduce myself via the gorgeous, haunting tones of my melodious voice!"
Then I will either sing Extreme's "More than Words," Barbra Streisand's "Evergreen," the theme song from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, or Jay-Z's "99 Problems (But a Bitch Ain't One)"—depending upon my mood. Their reaction? Well, what do YOU think? And even though I will obviously win the whole shebang, you should still follow your pipe dream and enter American Idol. (After all, somebody's gotta come in second!)
This Week on Television
WEDNESDAY, JULY 22
SHARKNADO 3: OH HELL NO!—Movie
(2015) This time co-starring David Hasselhoff and *NSYNC's Chris Kirkpatrick? YESSSS!
9:00 VH1 DATING NAKED
Season premiere! Eligible guys and gals take off all their clothes... because VH1 needs ratings, I guess.
THURSDAY, JULY 23
9:00 FOX WAYWARD PINES
Season finale! The electricity goes off, and (just like at my house) the poop hits the fan.
10:00 NBC HANNIBAL
Hannibal is sent to the insane asylum, where the sautéed human livers are simply subpar!
FRIDAY, JULY 24
9:00 CW THE MESSENGERS
Series finale! The Messengers face off against the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (and an adorable pony).
SATURDAY, JULY 25
10:00 BBCA JONATHAN STRANGE AND MR. NORRELL
Season finale! Tired of all the weird looks he gets, Jonathan Strange changes his name to "Jonathan Karen."
SUNDAY, JULY 26
8:00 E! I AM CAIT
Debut! The new reality series starring Caitlyn Jenner! (Oh, please be better than the Kardashians!)
9:00 ABC BATTLEBOTS
Season finale! The grand championships to decide which robot will eventually enslave humankind.
MONDAY, JULY 27
8:00 ABC THE BACHELORETTE
Season finale! This season's bachelorette makes her final decision: Will it be meathead #1 or meathead #2?
8:00 CW PENN & TELLER: FOOL US
The master magicians challenge less-talented magic makers to fool them... or else! Something will happen?
TUESDAY, JULY 28
8:00 PBS THE BOMB
A documentary on how America developed (and now doesn't know what to do with) the nuclear bomb.
9:00 CBS ZOO
An angry gorilla attacks Jackson wondering, "Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"