Dear I Love Television™ Readers: While it may come as a shock and/or relief, this will be my very last I Love Television™ column EVER. Now, at this moment you're having one of two reactions: (1) "NOOOOOOOOO!!!" And then, "AUUGGHHHH!" as you fling yourself off a 90-story building into a dumpster filled with dirty hypodermic needles, rusty safety pins, used condoms filled with broken light bulbs—people are weird, sexually—and the political dreams of Rick Santorum. Or, (2) "Eh? What? What's an 'I Love Television™'? Where's my 'Dear Abby'? And why do these nurses keep insisting I've wandered away from the home? GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF ME, MURDERERS!"
If yours was reaction number two, then I'll tell you exactly what I Love Television™ was! For 20 looooong years (DEAR GOD!!), I Love Television™ was the nation's finest, most respected bastion of entertainment journalism. A column that won so many Pulitzers, the Pulitzer committee said, "Jesus Christ! We're gonna look like jackasses if we only give Pulitzer Prizes to Humpy. Erase all the evidence, and give Humpy's prizes to those dicks over at the New York Times."
I Love Television™ broke the mold of staid, boring TV criticism—and was later taken to court for breaking said mold. (Even after I Love Television™ apologized for breaking the mold, tried to glue the mold back together, failed, and then attempted to trick the mold-owners by giving them a different mold shaped like a trout.)
I Love Television™ also made me an instant celebrity, thereby allowing me to tap a record-breaking sum of sweet, juicy BOOO-TAAAAAY! (How much booo-taaaaay? I've compared the number of my booo-taaaaay tappings to that of my cousin Stan who does not have a popular TV column—and while I don't want to get into specifics, let's just say I've tapped exactly 27,453 juicy slabs of booo-taaaaay versus Stan's paltry 12... and that's generously counting the time he accidentally rubbed up against someone on the bus.)
But mostly? I Love Television™ was a TV column for people who HATE television... or at least claimed they did. While other critics ignored outlier television like the early days of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Melrose Place, Dawson's Creek, or Veronica Mars, I Love Television™ unapologetically squirted them with SO much sweet, sticky love, they were forced to take a Karen Silkwood shower. It was a column for those who were sick of apologizing for loving really shitty television, and didn't mind me spending three-quarters of my space talking about monkeys, diaper gravy, and the structural perfection of my honey-baked ham. (Oh! And the rose-colored nipples of Smallville's Tom Welling, of course.)
That's why I want to sincerely say thank you, thank you, thank you for reading I Love Television™ all these many years, and putting up with my seemingly endless shenanigans. And don't worry, you'll still be seeing A LOT (maybe too much?) of my name—like maybe in the Guinness Book of World Records under "Most Sweet Booo-taaaaays Tapped."
Believe me when I say my time with you has been a fawking kick in the pants. Now roll over and turn out the light, sweetheart.
This Week on Television
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 12
9:00 NBC MR. ROBINSON
Craig's roommate is a goddamn filthy pig—and even an actual goddamn filthy pig agrees.
10:00 USA MR. ROBOT
Elliot meets the "Dark Army," who turns out to be a Doctor Who superfan living in his grandma's basement.
THURSDAY, AUGUST 13
10:30 IFC COMEDY BANG! BANG!
Scott welcomes Reno 911! alum Tom Lennon, and an extremely grotesque Broadway director.
10:30 FX MARRIED
Russ and Lina plan a family vacation, and unmitigated horror ensues.
FRIDAY, AUGUST 14
3:00 am NETFLIX DEMETRI MARTIN: LIVE (AT THE TIME)
A comedy special in which Demetri talks at length (and maybe way too much) about hairless cats.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 15
10:00 NBC HANNIBAL
Will and Jack hunt the Red Dragon—which is also what my mom used to call her "time of the month."
SUNDAY, AUGUST 16
8:00 FOX TEEN CHOICE AWARDS
And the winners of this year's "Teen Choice" awards are... "sneaking into the liquor cabinet," "rolling one's eyes," and "sass-talk"!
8:00 NBC ED SHEERAN: LIVE AT WEMBLEY STADIUM
The ginger-haired singer performs live, so warm up your "SQUEEEEEEEEs."
10:00 SHO MASTERS OF SEX
Masters and Johnson take on a celebrity client, and... Lindsay Lohan wasn't born yet, right?
MONDAY, AUGUST 17
8:00 NBC AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR
It's the "Hot Shirtless Military Guy" finals! (My title, not theirs.)
TUESDAY, AUGUST 18
9:00 CBS ZOO
The team discovers a terrifying rat infestation that mistakes human buttholes for cheese.
10:00 E! WAGs
Debut! A new E! reality show which, according to one reviewer, "sets human progress back hundreds of years." Guess I'm in!